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Hey all. Just wanted to come in here and put my feelings down. I've felt like crap these past 2 months. Worse than I ever have. It's like I have a new negative thought everyday. Like yesterday I thought I was just all of a sudden gonna stop breathing. I know it's impossible, but for some reason I can't get myself to really believe it. Sometimes I feel like I am going to go blind if my eyes start to hurt. Again, I know it won't happen, but I can't convince myself to believe it. I even worry in my house all the time. I used to be completely fine when being in my house, but now I don't even feel that comfortable being home as much as I used to.

I was supposed to start CBT back in late March. So my therapist sent me to a clinic so I could get a physical just to make sure nothing physically was wrong with me. So I went and they performed a EKG. My heartbeat came back abnormal so the doctor assigned me to a Cardiologist. The problem was the closest appointment we could get was 2 months later. So I would have to stay at home and rot for 2 months...which is exactly what happened. So 2 months later, I went and the anxiety built up pretty bad, but thankfully I made it through. I took another EKG for my heart and they checked some other stuff and it turned out there was nothing wrong with my heart. I was relieved at that point in time, but by then, the worry had built up pretty strongly for the 2 months leading up to the appointment that I was soon worrying again.

So I went back to the clinic and the doctor gave me some stuff called Buspirone HCL. He said it's supposed to calm my nerves down . It's not really a long term drug, just a temporary one. So I take it and I felt a little better at first, then the next day I started feeling the side effects. I got a headache and I once again felt I was going blind. I felt a little bit nauseous and my body felt kinda weak. So I haven't taken it since last night because even though my symptoms got a little better for a few hours, they came back and were stronger than before it seemed. Now I'm scared that if I go back on medication, I'll feel worse than I am now for a few weeks before it actually kicks in.

I feel like I will eventually fear everything and just lose my mind.

It's just that I think such weird thoughts. Thoughts that I feel that are making me go crazy because I am thinking about them and believe they could do harm. My anxiety has never been worse and I feel that I will end up in a mental instituition at some point because of these thoughts that I am having. I would like to get back on some meds, but I think I might be too afraid at this point. I honetly don't know what to do and just want this all to end.

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