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This may sound confusing, but I hope you can understand what I mean.

The past two years:

I started taking Lexapro in July 2007. After initial extra anxiety, it finally kicked in and it helped with panic attacks a lot, even OCD. I was on 5mgs. even though they wanted to up it. It even helped me keep it together when my Mom/best friend passed in November of that same year.

In September 2008, I realized I had been gaining weight even though I was exercising more, eating less, and not junk foods. I realized it was the Lexapro. Since I was feeling ok, I thought I was ok, emotionally. I started to take myself off of it. The withdrawls sucked, more anxiety, more crying, mood swings, etc. but I made it off....til December. All the separation anxiety from missing my Mom and her gone was horrible and hit me hard. I needed something again, and frankly, I don't think I was all the way off the effects of the Lexapro. So I started again.

But this time, it didn't work for me the same. It made the panic attacks so vicious and severe, I had to lay in bed, popping Xanax and journaling and trying to stay calm, under the covers. Ugh! What was a horrible experience, was just written in 2 sentences and really, the experience lasted for months. I gave it months to work out.

By April, I quit again. The dr. wanted me to go up in dose and I knew he would, so I did it on my own for a brief time before I quit and had worse anxiety, nightmares, suicidal thoughts, etc. So I quit. Again.

Go to now. Well, in the past few months, each time I see the dr. he wants me on Zoloft. I am petrified of going through the SSRI thing again. Long ago, I had been on Prozac, Paxil, Luvox, Buspar, and they only made me suicidal and I quit those too. Back then, though, they had me on way too high levels and I didn't know to take less than what they prescribe. I learned the hard way.

I begged him to let me try Buspar again. It made me feel a bit icky before, but I thought I could take a lower dose and it might help take the edge off. He begrudgingly wrote the script. I took 1 mg. of it, for 2 days and it made me more panicky and on edge, dizzy and then nauseasous. So I quit. If it did that, with that low dose, with a "mild med", then no way.

Here I am again. On edge most of the time, taking Xanax and Benedryl to help with panic attacks. OCD keeps my mind ruminating on things in the past and it's so upsetting and impossible to get out of my head.

So...finally, here is the question for your opinions that I really need, so I can take that with me to see the dr. next....have you ever taken an SSRI that worked and you stopped and it didn't work again or when you started back up, and/or made it worse, and you tried again at a later date and it worked again like the first time? Or is it gone forever? I know Lexapro worked and it was pretty good on side effects, except the initial anxiety and weight gain after a year. Orgasm took a few mins. longer, but still worked. But I can't have it go bad on me again like that second time. I know some people can take meds again after they stop. Odd I couldn't.

And what about the different SSRIs out there? Please let me know of how your experiences went. Zoloft? Vs. Prozac? Vs. others? I keep reading how Zoloft is one of the top ones with Lexapro but I have also read that there are some that get a bit wired from it? And what's the deal with RLS that I read here and there with SSRIs? I didn't have that with Lexapro.

I sure need some info from those fellow panic attack sufferers that are sensitive to meds and side effects. I really, really, really don't want to have to take anything. All these chemicals in our bodies really mess with the natural order of things, but what do I do?

Thank you and sorry so long.

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