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I've been a lurker to this an other message boards for some time, but this morning, my CBT therapist recommended posting something, so here goes...

I'm 35 years old and have been dealing with anxiety, depression and their symptoms for 20 years. Through avoidance, distraction and time, my symptoms went away for the most part, but they were always in the background, something I feared like doom that might come after me at any time.

In my fourth year of college, it came back. I left school, moved home and started seeing a doctor. It was only then that I learned what was wrong, anxiety and depression, and i started on a long path of meds. Zoloft first, then paxil after a few years, which worked very well.

I phased off of Paxil after four years and was doing fine. I met my fiancee and things were going great. An overseas plane trip two years ago brought my anxiety back (I've never been a great flier) along with all the thoughts I feared. I went back on Paxil and stabilized.

9 months ago, in the midst of selling our home and buying a house, my anxiety came back strong. My GP switched me to Lexapro and it was OK, although never with the real remission that I had with Paxil. I got married in the fall, another high stress event, but it went very well and I figured I would be getting incrementally better.

But the last several weeks have been progressively worse and worse. A constant high level of anxiety and depression. Worst of all is the derealization, which has always been my biggest problem, my most pronounced fear and the most terrifying and debilitating part of my problems. You never hear that much about when reading, nor about terrifying it is, or how hard it is to get out of.

That's where I am right now. Every minute of every day is a struggle, and I count myself happy if I keep it together, but in the back of my mind, I remember that there was a time when I didn't feel like this, and I miss it and wonder if I will get back there.

I'm trying to get a psychiatrist because the Lex clearly isnt working any more, but that's tougher to do than I thought. I'm trying to be patient but I'm tired, and I'm scared - I don't want to feel this way anymore, I don't want to keep wondering if everything around me - my wife and our daughter and EVERYTHING - is real and terrified about the world and my future.

Does this sound familiar to anyone? Knowing there's anybody out there who's felt the same helps





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