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Over the last 6 months I have self diagnosed myself with:

Bowel cancer
Breast cancer
Skin cancer
A brain tumor

Thankfully on visits to my doctor and after a few blood tests I have been cleared of the cancers I was so sure I had. So sure, that I was planning my own funeral in my head, thinking and wondering who my partner would find after I had died and crying in the thought that his life would not be with me anymore. I even cried when I looked at my dog, he’s only 14 months old and I was certain he was going to out live me.

Friends and family now just say ‘oh xxxx stop being so ridiculous’ and to be honest this fuels the feelings more, the thoughts of ‘oh god no one is taking me seriously, they’ll be shocked when I get the test results back won’t they’

It is like a wall between you and being generally happy and enjoying your life.

At the moment my anxiety has unfortunately not subsided, I have a swollen gland on the left side of my neck and underneath my left jaw – it is hard and its not really that painful, from research I have done today in Google and health forums, it states that what I have is cancer! Really. Yes. I have it again in a new place now, it was only last week that convinced I had a brain tumor because I had a bad headache for 5 days! Will I ever be normal, what is the point in worrying so much, if it was cancer then worrying frantically about it won’t do anything, but I am now convinced, I have also read the other symptoms of neck cancer//gland cancer and it says one of the symptoms is feeling itchy – I itch, I have itches all around my neck and a lot on my body.
Now unless I was writing this I would just associate it with my new cancer, but my brain fails to take into consideration I suffer from exam, and have done for 3 years, the itching is unbearable some times but not this, this itch is different.

So right now I am waiting for my doctor to call me, I called her at lunch and left a message to call me, she will probably say come in, which will increase my worry. I went to my doctors last week and the week before, nothing to do with my neck then, and as I only found the lump yesterday, I have only had to endure one day of worry and anxiety since Sunday when I finally convinced myself I didn’t have a brain tumour.

But, there is always that feeling in my mind of what if, what if this time I am right, how the hell will I cope.

Real time update_ I have just spoken to my doctor, I described my lump, she didn’t think I needed to come in, she said its probably related to my headache from last week and I probably had a virus. I feel reassured now, I am not worrying as much, I feel semi normal again.
Now in the time between me getting up this morning and my doctor just calling me, I thought of that connection, between the headache and the gland/lump, in fact my friend had a virus 2 weeks ago with exactly the same symptoms - my dad said it, and my mum, my partner also said it was nothing, two of my work colleagues also said it was fine, apart from one person who I think is a little bit like me, I had reassurance from everyone, but that does not register with me, it makes me feel no better and still convinced of the cancer I am so sure I have.

So stupidly and pathetically I don’t take notice of the people around me, the people I love and the people who know me best, but I take it very seriously if its written on < edited > health website and blogs, why? God knows.

Anxiety is a plague in my eyes, if you don’t suffer from it then its hard to understand why people like me do this, I even find it hard to understand when I have been through a period of time when I haven’t worried about a new nasty – its pathetic, but as much as our rationality tries to counteract these feeling, the worry takes over, I have been so convinced of illness at one point (it was about a year and half ago, I thought I had Multiple Sclerosis) that in the space of a month, I lost a stone and a half. I barely ate, I looked like a skeleton, 8 stone at 5ft 6 is not attractive, I don’t care what the magazines say! That was my worst point, just before Christmas 2008, but finally I saw the light and within a matter of hours all the symptoms I had felt for weeks disappeared, the numbness in my hands and legs, dizziness, the inability to grip or balance, they all disappeared, they were in my head, my head had made me ill – sick isn’t it!

Panic today has now subsided! This is just one of many in the life of a constant worrier.





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