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I know I'm not a doctor but it does sound similar too me. Has a doctor ever mentioned separation anxiety to you? You are so afraid of what will happen to your family when you leave that your anxiety is making you think you don't love your boyfriend ( you're acting as the glue / foundation to your family). With everything you just wrote, it sounds like you do truly love him and you're questioning your love because if you didn't love him, you wouldn't be any closer to leaving home ( therefor you can "take care" of your family). You have gone through so much in your life and you need to start thinking of you first even though I know how hard that is to do. I try to tell my self that everyday that my family will be ok when I'm not there. When I started having anxiety attacks about leaving I would worry about my dad dying and leaving my sister alone and was my mom going to be ok. My dad has a lot of health issues and is pretty needy of company so I'm afraid he'll feel alone when I'm gone. My fiance and him have gotten pretty close and will just hang out, watch t.v and chat. When we ( my fiance and I) leave he won't have that. I worry so much about the what if's that I start to rethink how I feel for my fiance because if I didn't love him then I wouldn't be with him and therefore would have no reason to leave home ( and then my anxiety feeling would go away). I had this anxiety before we got engaged and like I said earlier, I do remember feeling really happy and tried not to cry at that moment when he proposed. Then all my anxiety flooded back in and I started freaking out ( again). I'm sure if your family doesn't encourage you that things will be fine at home without you than it will be really hard for you to ever leave (my family has been very supportive and encouraging for me which has helped me a lot), and therefore whether you are with your boyfriend now or another guy down the road you may always freak out about your feelings because you don't have the support at home that you need.

I know this sounds pretty sad and I don't know if you believe in it but I actually went to a few psychics because I was freaking out so much. I needed to know if I was meant to be with my fiance ( probably because I have been hurt pretty bad by my past to relationships. I dated a guy for 5 years, did so much for him and he dumped me. Then I dated a guy for only 5 months but everything was perfect but all of a sudden, he broke up with me saying " I don't love you and never will") and needed to clarify my feelings. I was told that I was running scared and that I do really love him and more or less once I get passed my hurdle of moving out of my parents home I will feel happiness ( ok, my psychiatrist also said something along those lines as well).

I think the same way you do, " I don't want this feeling to be true, but since it's there it must be real because how do I not know how I truly feel". Then you dwell on this thought over and over trying to figure it out to no end, trying to find a reason as to why you're thinking this way because the relationship is great yet you have these thoughts and uncertain feelings. Anxiety can create so much false emotions that it can be so hard to believe anything but the negativity going through your mind.
Hi scaredconfused,

I'm really glad to hear I was able to help you. I'm also glad to hear you talked with your doctor and he is able to help you as well. I know how you feel when you say the thoughts are always lurking in the back round. I'm like that everyday and some days it's so strong all I can do is cry. You are so not alone and just by talking with you has helped me as well knowing that I'm not alone. The closer I get to moving out ( which is looking like it may be around the end of this month) of my parents house the harder it is to control the anxiety and the thoughts that run through my head. I find my mind really over powers my heart but I try to keep pushing. My sister just keeps reassuring me it's my fear and anxiety causing me to think this way and I do truly love my fiance. I really hope you can find the support system that you need and deserve to help you through. Just know that I'm always here if you ever need to talk.

I hope you have an awesome trip with your boyfriend. I know how you feel, I've always gone on family trips and it will be hard to change that. Thankfully my fiance has no problem going on these trips so I have everyone i love with me and haven't had to choose yet.

I know for sure, a lot of my problem is that I'm very attached to my sister, I'd be lost without her so I think the thought of leaving her really triggered the anxiety for me. Also leaving the comforts of home scare me to death and I get so easily stressed and overwhelmed I loose control. I've always been this way but for some reason as I get older it's harder to deal with.

Well, I'm just as long winded but there's just so much that goes through our minds LOL!!! I will for sure keep in touch often and let you know how things are going with me. Like I said, I'm moving soon which is one of my biggest hurdles and factors of my anxiety so it should be interesting to see how I deal. I too would love to hear from you time to time. Have a great day and I really do hope you have a great holiday with your boyfriend. We both need to remember on a daily basis " It's the anxiety that cause our uncertain feelings but these feelings are not our true emotions. We do truly love the men we are with."
hello, I can't believe I found some people who are in a similar boat that I'm in! I've have been battling this for a long time as well. It's been so frustrating! I've been married to a great woman for 5 years now and have bouts of anxiety off and on through out our relationship. I too question do I really love her or not when I'm feeling bad and think if I really did love her I wouldn't be feeling this and go in circles in my head about it over and over until it drives me crazy! But when I'm calm and relaxed, everything is great, it's like heaven. I want to so so so badly get through this.

I've been seeing a doctor for about 6 months now and have been on zoloft for about that amount of time and I do think that helps. But I'm still working on the right dosage because it seems to work for a couple of weeks and then my axiety comes back. So that's frustrating too.

Reading both of your 2 story's I see so many things that I went through. And it's so frustrating because I want to love her so bad with all of my heart, some times it feels like I can only go so far and not fully love her for some reason. Then I start to think, well maybe I really don't. It's like I hit a ceiling with my emotions and can go any further. And when I get like this I get irritable and just want to be left alone. But again, when I'm calm and relaxed, things are great. Everything looks positive and I'm excited about things and enjoy things again. But when I'm not feeling good, everything is real negative and I can't seem to get out of the rut and dwell on everything and it's no fun.

I'm not sure where this has come from. I've always been a bit of a nervous person and a nervous kid. I think I've always had a bit of a nervous stomach. I remember when I was in about the 4th or 5th grade I got a really bad ear ache in school. I went to the nurse and got permission to go home, but she couldn't get a hold of my mom so I had to go back to class. I was really really upset and wanted to go home and I think I was crying for most of the rest of the day. My mom was playing bridge with her friends that afternoon so she was able to pick me up later in the day. And I remember after I got well enough to go back to school, I would worry myself sick at school and go home. Then in the morning I would get a stomach ache while my mom would be driving me in and she would take me home and I would be fine after that. That went on for a while until my mom figured out how to fix it. Every time she would be going somewhere during the day, she would give me a note with that person's name and phone number so if something would happen, I could get a hold of her that way. And that worked. So I would imagine that would be like your separation anxiety you were talking about. but I don't know how that relates to today.

Sorry for the long post also! But it's really nice to find someone else that has the similar issue and that it's not just me!!!!!
Hey PG and Pam,

You both have no idea how comforting your words are - though I hate that you both have to go through the same horrible experience I have to go through, to know it's not just me is so relieving.

Today has been difficult - yesterday I got away from the house for the first time in two weeks (except to go to the doctors) and spent the night at my boyfriend's, where we just chilled out, watched some tv - I even listened to music with him, something I haven't been able to do for ages without freaking out (music is a big part of my life - planning on training to be a music teacher, so to not want to listen to music is a major thing!). Things were great, and though I still had some negative thoughts, I didn't have to panic about them, because I could dismiss them as being stupid thoughts.

My dad picked me up this morning, and as soon as I got home my parents started talking about cancelling their holiday because of how I had been. They started asking me how I could be so selfish, why was I being like this, was I not thinking about them, and so on, and boom, all of a sudden I don't know if I love my boyfriend any more.

I phoned an advice service that the doctor had given me, and told them about what had been happening. They were really helpful, and one thing they mentioned was the balance of power in a relationship - that my Mum has been such a powerful influence, that I struggle to break free from that - from what you said PG, your case sounds quite similar - your Mum was a very strong source of support and comfort when you were young, so whenever you feel down, you seek support from her rather than anyone else - does that sound correct in any way?

Anyway, today has been difficult - it feels like everything I am interested or excited about has disappeared, and I feel like I have forgotten how I felt yesterday. The thing is though, I know that it did happen, that I did feel happy and in love and thats all that matters. PG I can completely relate to you saying that you feel there is a lid on your feelings - I can feel that too, but I look at other areas of my life, like music, and I can see that my feelings are either not there or are at the very least subdued, and the reason I focus on my feelings for my boyfriend are because he's the most important in my life - and that's how the doctor explained it too. Another thing I thought about yesterday was that a lot of people with anxiety worry about their health, even though there's nothing wrong with their health - it's the same for us - we worry about our relationships, but there's nothing wrong with them!

Pam, I am so excited for you moving out - it might be hard for you, but I'm sure with time you will realise how happy you are and hopefully that will mean your anxiety will diminish a little!

I would really like to keep talking to both of you (and anyone else reading who feels this way) - please keep writing and updating - hopefully we can help and support one another through these difficult periods.

Hope you have both had a calm and relaxing day :)
Hi scaredconfused,

It does suck that we suffer from this awful anxiety. I really hate how it makes you not know how you truly feel ( that's the scariest part). I'm glad you had a good night with your boyfriend last night. One of the things that anxiety can do is completely dibiltate you. You don't want to do anything or go any where. We have to keep pushing so that we can live the lives we're meant to. Follow your dreams, don't let the anxiety stop you from your music. Allow yourself to be happy.

I'm so sorry you had a bad day today. That's not fare of your parents to make you choose or feel like you should always choose them. I know they say family first but in this case, it needs to be you first. By the sounds of it, you have always put your family first and you deserve a turn to be first. If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? ( If you don't want to answer, I understand) I'm 27 just to let you know. I am always here for you if you need to talk, even if you just need to vent or just say hi, I'M HERE for you. I don't want you to think or feel you have to do this alone.

My sister has always been my source of support and comfort and she would be considered my "attachement figure" when it comes to separation anxiety. When I'm having a down day, all I want to do is be with her and no one else. She's my rock ( that I can't break free from I suppose) but she is great with supporting me and my anxiety. She knows I will be so happy once I move out and get comfortable with my own place. That is why I'm so upset for you to think you don't have that with your family. It's just not fair for you. You deserve so much.

I had a good day today but as always, the thoughts are at the back of my mind ( I can never escape them). I'm always much better on weekends as for some reason I stress about work ( not sure why I do though, it's just the way I've always been) which sends me on a down hill spiral which then triggers the anxiety and I start freaking out about my feelings. I sit at a computer all day which allows me think which sometimes is not good. I think too much and I over think my feelings and why I feel the way I do. It's like I'm always trying to find another answer to the way I feel. I just can seem to accept that it's the anxiety that causes these thoughts. It's a viscious cycle.

I hope you have a better day tomorrow, just remember to think positive / happy thoughts as much as possible ( I know sometimes that just seems impossible). When you're having a really hard time, close your eyes, clear your mind and take deap breaths and relax.

Wow, sorry this was so long. I will for sure keep posting, I'm really enjoying sharing our thoughts and feelings. It's so nice to have someone to talk to who's going through the same thing as me:) I'm so glad I happened to come back to healthboard:) Talk to you soon, have a good night and try to get a good night sleep. Sleep is very important for anxiety sufferers.
Trust me, I still have a hard time calming myself down. I often have to turn to my sister for help and reassurance. I go through phases where I need her reassurance everyday because I just can't find it myself. It is very hard but I try. Sometimes I don't know if I try hard enough though.


I would totally have it done, you do remember I went to psychics right?? LOL!! I would do anything that I think could help. For sure there must be some underlying factor as to why this was triggered. I do truly believe, like your doctor, your family has a big role in how you feel. You deal with so much and it's just not fare for you. Have you recently thought about moving out or anything like that?

Ya, it's 11:30 now. I'm getting pretty tired. My fiance has passed out watching a movie and is snoring like crazy LOL!!!! That'll be something to get used to, living with someone.
The psychic thing intrigues me - weren't you terrified though?! I'm not entirely sure I believe in those kind of things, but like you said, anything to find peace!

I'm pretty sure my family does play a part in it all too, but I think when I'm at home, I get in to a place where I think 'it can't be' - but then again, what bothers us in our conscious minds is often a mask to the real problem - I hope at least!

I did seriously consider moving out earlier in the year - things had become so bad at home I just wanted out, to the extent that I was willing to live on my own. Financially right now though, its not an option, and if I spend too much time away from home, there are many many complaints. I've considered staying with my boyfriend on a more permanent basis, but the feeling that I might hurt my mum by doing that is too strong.

I'll let you sleep, you must be as tired as your man! Hope you manage to have a restful sleep, thanks so much for keeping me company :) I owe you one!
Hey PG,

You have for sure been on quite the anxiety ride. I never went any further past high school because I just coulnd't handle it. The stress was too much for me. I'm glad you came across our posts and for sure you're not alone with the "uncertain" feelings. When I started dating my fiance, about 6 months into our relationship is when I started freaking out. It would come and go every couple months so I did my best to ignore it and I just figured I was being an "emotional girl".

When I went to my family doctor back in early October I explained what was going through my head and how I felt. His response was " I don't see the problem, so break up with him" and " so move out then". He was no help what so ever, made me worse, gave me some anti-depressant which lasted 2 pills because it made me crazy. He had me tested for thyroid but i heard nothing so I assume it's not that. In the beginning of November is when I saw the psychiatrist and was told I suffer from Separation anxiety. It made me feel better knowing that this can cause me to question my feelings but I do still struggle everyday. For sure when I'm at work, it's worse. Even if I'm really busy I still have the negative thoughts in my mind. Work is not a good distraction for me.

I don't want to go on any medications because I don't want to hit a point where I want to have kids but I'm on meds. I've been taking natural remedies like St. Johns Wort, vitamin b complex, and a few other things. I've even started going to Acupunture which is very helpful to relax. Chammomile tea is also very good to help you relax.

I too have a lot of stomach issues and I always worry if I "eat this or that" will I have to run to the bathroom. I suppose this goes hand in hand with the anxiety. I too really hate how it can make you have such false thoughts. I try to do deep breathing as much as I can but it can be hard sometimes.

I had a pretty good weekend, I was pretty busy so I didn't really freak out but yes, it was lurking at the back of my mind. I really hate when my fiance and I try to be intimate and I start off good but sometimes I find my mind wondering : /

Well, I hope you had a great weekend and try to stay positive.
Hi everyone, like I've said before, I hate that you guys have to go through the same thing as me, because obviously I understand how awful it is, but it is SO SO comforting to come on here and read your posts when I am at my wit's end with this! All of your posts really resonate with me, and I hope and pray all the time that we will all get better. :)

PG, medication is a funny one for me - during the eating disorder I mentioned, I was put on a high dosage of Prozac. At the time it seemed to work, but looking back now I do wonder if it was just a placebo effect - the doctor I'm currently seeing believes that anxiety is an electrical imbalance rather than a chemical one, and I know when I was put on Prozac the second time (for anxiety), I felt absolutely awful. When I went back to my doctor she admitted that the Prozac often made people feel numb and anxious in the first couple of weeks, and it was possibly a mistake to put me back on it given how awful I already felt. She is still pushing the beta-blocker she put me on (Half Indrel), but I haven't taken it since she gave them to me. In a strange way, I would rather have the physical symptoms of anxiety accompanying the mental symptoms, as the physical remind me that it IS an illness - the thoughts in my head aren't real!

Your use of alcohol and cigarettes also makes sense to me - you used those things in the way that I used my eating disorder - so little of what I used to do was about being thin, it was really just a coping mechanism. Sometimes I think it would be better to go back to my bad habits too, because it made everything else seem bearable, but thankfully the treatment I had has instilled it into me that going down that route again will not make any difference - the problem isn't that I'm fat, it's that I can't cope with the constant anxiety and guilt I feel with regards to my family. I truly believe that this anxiety over my relationship is the same thing - I'm picking holes in something which is FINE (I was never fat, but I convinced myself I was/ I was never not in love but I have convinced myself otherwise) because of some sort of guilt/unhappiness I am feeling elsewhere. And now I'm aware of that fact, I'm increasingly aware of the little cruel comments my parents make about my boyfriend and our relationship.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this before (I probably have), but my doctor believes that whatever we learn as children is instilled somewhere in our brain, and that part of our brain will follow what we learned to the letter, regardless of whether it is true or not. For me, my parents have never been happily married - something which my Mum told me from a very young age. I asked the doctor if that would have had an effect on me - and he said it would have been very damaging. So in your past PG, you spent months knowing that something was wrong and no one was able to tell you what was wrong - could it be you're applying the same experience to your relationship, only to find this time that there actually is NOTHING wrong?!

By the way, I too have looked at other websites and been very upset with what I found - you just have to remember that there are some very insensitive people out there, and that the internet is full of stuff which is completely untrue. One thing that worries me most is that no one can tell you how you feel about love and relationships - there isn't a set way of telling if you are still in love or not - like when I thought I was fat, there was a wealth of scientific evidence to suggest that I wasn't - there isn't the same thing for what we're feeling. One thing I did read which really helped me though was someone on another website saying that love is a choice - we've been conditioned to believe that it should be this wonderful, magical thing, where you're happy all the time, but in reality it's just not like that. Love is hard work, and it's a CHOICE.

To illustrate what I mean, last time I was at the doctor's, he did an exercise with me which made me tap in to my unconscious. Halfway through the exercise, he asked me to imagine someone sitting with me, and told me I could do whatever I want with that person. Of course, I was sitting with my boyfriend, and all I wanted to do was tell him that I love him - but I couldn't do it. I came round from the exercise in the middle of a panic attack, crying and shaking, and completely unable to breathe. The doctor asked me what I dream about - and normally I dream about a lot of nonsense. He explained that that is what the unconscious mind does - it takes what we have learned (and as a child I learned that relationships were an unhappy thing) and follows it exactly - no interpretation, no understanding, nothing. But in my conscious mind, I KNOW that I love him, that I have never stopped loving him, that I always will love him - that I CHOOSE to love him. It's just that, for whatever reason, my conscious mind got so exhausted that the unconscious has taken over, and is trying to get me to follow what it learned when I was a child - that it's dangerous and upsetting to be in a relationship, that it is much better to just carry on with my family - nothing else. Does that make any sense at all?

The same kind of thing happened the other day - my Mum started telling me how I was being selfish and inconsiderate by not going on holiday with them, and all of a sudden I just couldn't take it any more, couldn't fight it any more - my unconscious took over, told me that it would be easier and less painful to just do what she said, and give everything up. Thankfully, I called my boyfriend and he came and took me away from the situation for a few days. Whilst my anxiety wasn't cured (lots of derealisation and bizarre, upsetting thoughts) I could push the symptoms away a lot better than before, and had more time feeling like myself than I ever did at home. Now I'm back home, and my family's problems got loaded on to me straight away - cue me feeling rotten again!

Oli, I saw your thread on here a while back and I meant to respond to it, but by the time I went to do it, it had gone! I understand how you feel - I was always very shy when I was younger too, my friends used to say that I was practically mute! When I started going out with my boyfriend I had all those thoughts too, to the extent that our first New Year as a couple, I worried he thought I was a weirdo because I wanted to spend it with him but couldn't say it! I have gone through constant worries since then, even believing for a while that he was really sick and I was going to lose him (there was nothing wrong with him). But the worry that I don't love him seems to have stuck for just now, and believe me, there have been times when I have come close to ending it all because it just gets too hard - but then I remember what an incredible guy he is, and how stupid I would be to ever give him up. You need to remember that this is all coming from somewhere else, which is SO hard sometimes because your brain gets too tired to fight it, but you HAVE to. Like I said before, love is a choice, and the fact that you're choosing to stick it out speaks volumes - far more than the negative thoughts in your head.

And don't ever worry about writing too much - as you can see, I'm the champion at that - we just have a lot to say and to get out!

Kat, I'm really glad you found us :) It's comforting to hear from someone who is in exactly the same position - I know that the need to 'fix' things for your family is absolutely exhausting, and that's what has happened to me - I hit the wall, I couldn't do any more, and I think it is that which has made me question my relationship. Like, as a couple, the way I see it is that you have to be there for one another, and if there's something which is weighing you down already, you can't do that job properly. Because of the issues within my family, I've carried them for so long, but it has got to the point now that it has to come to a choice - I can either tell my family 'no more', or I can give up on my relationship. And, having seen the reaction from my family when I told them I couldn't do it any more (NOT positive, believe me!), I know it will be difficult, but I will have to walk away from them. My boyfriend has shown me nothing but love, patience and encouragement. My family will do the same, so long as it is on THEIR terms, in THEIR time, and nothing else. It's tearing me apart, but I have to do it.


So, after all that rambling - can I ask - does anyone have completely bizarre and unreal thoughts?! Like yesterday I wondered if I was gay, which is COMPLETELY weird because I have never had ANY inclination, but it popped into my head and it just wouldn't leave (and of course, there's nothing wrong with being gay). Any thoughts?
Hi Kat,

I'm glad you found us. I had actually seen your post just a few weeks ago on another thread which was back in April and couldn't believe how much I could relate. I worry about my dad a lot ever since one of his brothers ( my uncle) passed away. My dad has sleep apnea ( stops breathing in his sleep) and for the longest time, if he fell asleep watching t.v I would check to make sure he was still breathing. He recently just had a test done on his heart because he has an irregular heart beat. He got the results and thankfully everything is fine but doctors are always watching him. As I get older it's like I feel the need to take care of him. I don't worry about my mom as much. As for my sister, I want the world for her and just want her to be happy. She's a few years older then me and with moving out, i feel like I'm leaving her. Oh god, hear comes the tears : ( It makes sense that you started freaking out in February if your dads health became an issue in January. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

I can't believe how anxiety can make you feel and what it does to you. It's so upsetting that we have to go through this but nice to know there are others out there with a similar situation. I sometimes dream that someone is attacking my family ( ie: breaking into our house at knife point or a tiger attacking my dad are a few dreams I've had) and I need to protect them. Last night I actually dreamed that my sister got fed up with my parents so she was leaving. I felt so empty because I thought I would never see her again. This all stems back to my separation anxiety. I'm so afraid of loosing my family and wondering how they will be when I leave and how I will be when I leave, it makes me question if I really love and want to be with my fiance. It's so annoying because as soon as I find my happy thoughts they're wiped away with anxiety filled thoughts. My sister keeps telling me its just my fear and anxiety and that I truly do love and want to be with my fiance. My doctor also said it's my fear and that I just need to move out. How pathetic does that sound??? I'm afraid to leave home so I question my feelings. Some days I feel like I'm so weak.

scaredconfused,

I've never consciously thought I was gay but I've for sure had dreams that I was. Not sure where those dreams come from but just letting you know. It's crazy the thoughts that anxiety can cause. My mother as long as I can remember has stressed like crazy, at one point she suffered from a bit of depression ( when her mother passed away. I took that very hard, I was 10 and I was extremely close to my granny. I miss her everyday and pray to her all the time asking her to help me through my anxiety). Sometimes I would wonder if she was really ever happy. (Sometimes she would be watching ridiculous shows on t.v like "teens gone wild" and she would always be like " come here and watch this". I always threatened her I can be like that if she wants if she thinks my sister and I were so bad sometimes.) To your blueprint theory, it makes sense that I mimic my mother ( stress to the max). I also found out that anxiety runs in her family so I have for sure inherited it ( apparently a few of my aunts had a hard time leaving home as well, would cry a lot). I know exactly what you mean about medication. I haven't been on any but I've heard horror stories about it making you numb and I don't like that. I'd rather feel it all and know that's it's something I suffer from then to just feel numb to the world. I actually get like that now. If I'm not feeling my anxiety pains that I get in my chest it's like I'm numb to everything. That scares me so much sometimes. All I want so much is too feel the happiness and love I have in my heart for my fiance but it's so hard to ignore the anxiety. It's so true that you can't always listen or take in what you've read. When I was first diagnosed with separation anxiety i kept searching the net for sites that said what I was going through and how it can make you feel. It wasn't always the greatest thing to do and I know I have for sure taken things people say the wrong way which doesn't help. I do have an aunt that I can't talk to at all because she doesn't understand. She would just say " well do you love him, are you being true to yourself" She even was kind of going against what my doctor said I was suffering from. She was thinking, there must be a reason why I'm feeling this way and not the anxiety.

PG, I've never been much of a drinker or have ever smoked but I'm glad to hear you're fighting the temptation I've read that people who suffer from anxiety tend to turn to drugs and alcohol which is not a way to live life. Stay strong and I know it's so much easier said then done but it's all we can do. I must say it's comforting to know someone who is married and dealing with this anxiety because I will be there soon enough. Does your wife know how you feel and what goes through your mind? I was honest with my fiance and he doesn't worry too much about it because he know's it's my anxiety.

Oli, stay strong, you are so young and have so much life to live and grow with. High school can be very hard at times. I can sympathize with the over thinking and worrying. I missed a lot of school because I stressed way too much. Keep fighting through the anxiety and talk to friends and family. You need positive support. Oh, and you didn't write too much, we all have a lot on our minds and have finally found a place to let it out with out being judged. We are here to listen and help each other.

We are all here for each other and it's great to know we're not alone.:) I am so happy that we found this thread and I really want to keep hearing from everybody. Stay positive!





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