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Well I'm a 19 year old male in college with an otherwise pretty ordinary life. I probably actually live better than most. I'm attractive (In my opinion), smart, but going through some terrible stuff. I'll go ahead and list off my symptoms which I've been so desperately trying to ignore for the longest time.

Heart racing uncontrollably many times throughout the day (EVERY day [usually worse when I'm in class])

Sweaty palms daily

I've been getting these urges to cry lately at random times. My eyes will start tearing up (I guess when I'm nervous) but I can't cry even if I want to. This happens 3-4 times daily.. It was the worst when I had my first day of bio this semester, and I was going through the usual heart racing, head twitching stuff when I got an almost uncontrollable urge to run out of the class. When I fought it, my eyes began tearing up hardcore and I could barely fight crying)

Chest pains almost daily

I've been getting muscle twitches frequently, lately.. my head twitches in class now which I can tell makes others nervous. Or so I think. I try to stay still as corpse in class so I don't show signs of nervousness, so it gets bottled up til my head jerks a bit..

I get TERRIBLE anxiety/what I think is depression (I have a hard time identifying my emotions sometimes..) on days after I drink (every weekend). I get bad tunnel vision and can barely drag my pounding heart out of bed in the morning. I'm never hungry and don't want to do anything.

Sometimes when I drink I completely dissociate. (this started recently) My heart usually starts racing after 2 beers but I keep drinking because I don't want to let this problem interfere with my lifestyle or me trying to have a good time.. and it sometimes gets to the point where I don't even feel like myself anymore. I feel almost dead.

SUPER severe performance anxiety [tried beta blockers for this once, worked well]

My worst symptom is sexual dysfunction. I can -never- get an erection when I try to have sex with a girl for the first time. This is mortifying, especially since the last girl I tried to sex up was a model. Though as I get super comfortable with a gf, I can more and more easily get an erection. Even when I'm in a relationship with a girl for 6 months, I can only orgasm probably 1/5 times I'm having sex. I really hate this. [I get an erection fine to straight porn all the time. It's just when another person is involved..]

I get heart palpitations daily

I also get this weird thing where I can feel my heartbeat pulsating in certain parts of my body.. kinda hard to describe

My heart races when my girlfriend lays on top of me [this sucks].. I have this weird fear she'll hear me breathing abnormally, so I try to control my breathing, and my heart starts racing... circular logic leading to panic..

I've got a terrible problem of trying to read peoples body language, I guess with the intent to see if I'm making them nervous or not? (It's really hard not to do this) I'll hyperanalyze every movement my classmates make which in turn gives me panic attacks..

There have been about 4 times when I'm sober (though usually hungover) where I completely dissociated. I didn't feel like myself at all, I could barely communicate; this is probably the worst feeling in the world.



I tried klonopin (Rx) about 8 months ago, it worked alright except I had the most realistic auditory hallucinations sometimes, so I quit. Plus, I heard it's way easy to become addicted or dependent.

I think I might have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. But I've had a sneaking suspicion that I have a classic case of Borderline Personality Disorder [reckless/impulsive behavior, no strong sense of personality, but there is no way in hell I can admit to myself that I'm a crazy person. I don't even know how I've worked up the courage to type all this; I try hiding reality from myself... Please help me. It's been a while since I've genuinely felt happy.. Should I see a doctor? What's wrong with me? I don't know how much longer I can go on living like this...





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