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Is this anxiety
Oct 1, 2010
I guess my story should begin from when I first experienced anxiety, I remember being in grade 4 and feeling nauseous before attending school so nauseous I wouldn’t eat breakfast. My next memory is at the age of 11, I couldn’t sleep, scared of the dark, hyper alert. (I think I was having intrusive thoughts of harming someone I can’t really remember) they worried me so much I asked my mum if she ever worries about it and she said I was just experiencing anxiety, It then subsided temporarily.
At the age of 14 I was involved with a “ruff” crowd of kids, we heavily binge drank on weekends and most days during the school holidays for nearly a year, until I had a hallucination. I was sitting at the bus stop waiting for my bus when I thought I seen it coming through some foggy glass, I stood up and looked passed the window for it and didn’t see it, it was then when I realised It was a hallucination. I didn’t experiences any symptoms other than the hallucination during this time and some slight anxiety and paranoia
A year later my parents went through a divorce, I also had a emotionally abusive boyfriend that cheated on me and led me believe I was worthless, regardless I was most defiantly experiencing depression and anxiety during this stage in my life, which I blamed on the recent stressors of course. It took me nearly a year to recover form that period in my life, I started to become confident again and feeling radiant and more myself. I then found a new boyfriend, which I very much liked at the time. I remember a comment he made once regarding my weight, and when we broke up I took that upon myself and became mildly anorexic.
At 18 I moved from my hometown to study and hopefully get away from my party animal reputation and bad habits, I knew if I stayed where I was I wouldn’t change. I had to keep up this socialite image at home, for some reason I wanted a rest from it all. I also wanted to meet new people I was bored I knew everyone I wanted to “become someone else” or “someone important” so to speak.
My eating habit’s got worse while being away from home due to another relationship failure, I became bulimic, I became bulimic because I believed I was fat and I feared the boy I liked wouldn’t like me if I was fat. I believed he would want me back if I was skinner and prettier than before. That changed when I returned home for the summer holidays I knew my friends liked me for me so I slowly came out of it. While I was home for the summer holidays I felt confident like nothing bad could happen to me

I went back to study that February with what I thought to be a healthy mind, until a friend passed away. The night I found out I pretty much cried myself to sleep, to awake in the middle of the night feeling his presence (I knew he wasn’t there I just had this weird feeling in my chest) I cried for another three days after with a massive empty feeling in my chest. I attended the funeral and didn’t cry which I thought was strange. I returned back to study to find some more unfortunate news my best friend had been diagnosed with stage two cervical cancer, I gradually started to believe I too was sick and going to die I had this feeling in my gut something bad was going to happen. I got numerous tests done and everything came back negative, I started to believe it was just the anxiety coming back due to stressors) until my boyfriend said something about schizophrenia and how its onset is slow, he also said his mum told him not to go out with any crazy girls (his mum is a psychic and a astrologer, my mum and I have always been kind of spiritual) this led me to believe I am loosing my mind and the memory of my hallucination became so real to me again.

It’s been around 7-8 months I have been plagued with this phobia, and its only gotten worse. I have slowly been withdrawing myself from social interaction it started as I didn’t want to be around people because they might realise I’m weird or crazy, now I just want to be alone and figure out what’s happening to me and why I can barely hold a conversation (I don’t know if its because I actually cant or cant be bothered). I get so scared I’m going to become schizophrenic I cry, I test reality like “did I really hear that sound or am I hallucinating” Because a few months ago I thought I heard my friend mumble something when I almost immediately realised she didn’t. I also thought I saw a spider out the corner of my eye when it turned out to be my door handle I was almost positive I was loosing my mind at that stage. I know I’m not the same person I used to be. I have racing thoughts, repeat words and songs in my head, I think my speech is disorganised, insomnia, I play out conversations in my head, constant déjà vu, I don’t know how I feel a lot of the time, can’t find any enjoyment in anything anymore, don’t realise people are talking to me nor can I understand what there saying, I almost always miss interpret what their saying, fell like laughing when my boyfriend is angry at me sometimes, depersonalization, feel empty, hyper reaction, hearing my thoughts in different voices in my head, my memory is non existent, cant get out of bed most mornings, I talk to myself or refer to myself in my head as “we” sometimes, derealisation, intrusive thoughts, cant recognise where sounds are coming from or what they are, dizzy, tired, say words in sentences I don’t mean too, racing heart beat at times, nauseous, feel like I live in a dream, detached from my body, don’t recognise my name or my face in the mirror. I’m pretty much not the same person I used to be.

Sorry about the long post, I’m just looking for any answers I can get. Thanks.

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