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Hello everyone,

First off, I am a 20 year old female. My entire life I have never had any issue with depression, anxiety, or mental illness AT ALL. I have never been suicidal - not even for a moment, and until the following story, never had anything close to a panic attack. Of course I had very sad times and very happy times like any person.

Last year I was feeling very good, had a great semester in school, was finally "clicking" in my college, felt like I had a lot of good friends, etc. I totally and completely loved my life and had very high self esteem. Randomly, out of the blue, I lost my appetite for three days and then one night I had a panic attack. For a whole week after this panic attack I felt very "weird," like something was up, and I felt very bad. A week passed, I started to try to eat more, took more vitamins, and I felt great again. I was dating a wonderful guy, felt so, so happy. And then another month later, despite feeling totally great until this point, I had another panic attack at night after overhearing my mother fighting with my brother, cried a lot, and the following day I again felt very, very low which lasted quite a few days. I was tearful, felt impending doom feelings, and was so anxious.

At this point, since I had the episodes about a month apart, I thought it was due to my birth control pills so I completely quit birth control pills.

Since quitting birth control pills I have felt weird, low, and anxiety has been very up. I'll feel SO BAD and depressed during some parts of my menstrual cycle, but then at others I'll feel better. There have been points where I was so depressed that I found it hard to enjoy being out with my friends, etc. Other days I feel quite a bit better and I do my normal things despite feeling slightly "weird."

[B]My grandmother had very severe bipolar disorder for her whole life[/B] - but her son, my father, has never had any issues with it whatsoever. He is now over 50 years old and has never had any mental illness. This makes me wonder if what happened to me was I was hypomanic last year, and the panic attacks led me into the depression and anxiety, which now sometimes comes and sometimes goes... and seems to be going away more and more every day, slowly? Some days I feel ok or "good" again, but then the anxiety creeps back in. Sometimes I think I only keep googling and worrying that I have BP because my anxiety is constantly fixating on it because my grandmother had it. Could it be that I am just overthinking this because I have lots of anxiety problems and they're leading me to fixate on this?

Simply because my grandmother had BP and because I loved my life SO much before the panic attacks and weird feelings happened, I really felt so carefree before all of this, I wonder what people with true BP think of my story.

THANK YOU SO MUCH for any help.

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