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I'm not sure why this all started. I've always thought that I was pretty good at handling anxiety. I am 25 and I have been a military wife since I was 18. My husband and I go back a long way, and I'm not sure how to put in words how I feel about him now, but I knew back then that he was my everything. My home life was hectic and rather horrible. I dealt with physical and emotional abuse as a child, and I was happy to finally be able to distance myself from the people and things that used to bring me so much pain.

I'm not sure how long I may have been building up to an anxiety disorder, but I never thought I would be in the position I'm in right now. I knew where I was going in life, and I knew what I wanted to be. I thought I was going to be a mama's girl forever. My terrible father finally got the boot, and we were free of his antics. My then boyfriend now husband enlisted in the Air Force because his mom threw him out when she found out that we were engaged. He didn't want to keep living with my mother and working at the pet store we both worked at.

I thought I could talk him out of it and I thought we would never end up leaving. Looking back I don't think I was ever prepared to make the decision I made. I never intended to be so far from home. I quickly found out that I had to occupy myself and I got a job. Once I started working time flew by and I had our daughter. After she was born I lost my mind. I had terrible insomnia and I worried about her all the time. I ended up quitting my job to stay home with her. My husband's life went on and he got into gaming as his "outlet." He'd come home from work and sit down to his xbox or computer and leave me with our child for even more hours and I began to feel alone. I would make friends and lose them just as fast. Its still like that now. People are just so fickle and I can't let them get too close. Its just best for me, because I've been hurt too many time by people that impose themselves into my life and then just discard me when they feel like it. I never really sought any relationships. They just happened.

I was put on Ambien for sleep at the end of 2007. Initially I thought it was the best thing ever, because I went to sleep on it and slept all night. It even helped me to stop thinking about how lonely and stuck in my head I was about the direction my life was taking. I was a full time student taking anywhere from 12-15 credits at a time and I was the sole caregiver of my own sweet baby girl. It's 4 yrs later.

I am in a world of crap. I don't know why I woke up last June feeling like I couldn't breathe, with a burning sensation all over my face, and neck. It was even in my ears and throat. I didn't run to the ER about it. I thought it was an allergy to something. After some research I found out that it was an anxiety attack. But why? Soon I started having them all the time. Just sitting down in the dark next to my husband watching TV would trigger the rapid breathing, the burning on the face and hands. I would be scared senseless. Then they stopped coming and I thought it was over. I was wrong. The symptoms of a B12 deficiency started and I was petrified that I was going to die. I had a tingling feeling on my tongue and permanent burning feeling on my face that I thought was anxiety alone. The B12 thing sent me into a constant state of panic. I was crying all the time and feeling that my demise was near. I still feel that way sometimes. The question in my mind lingers. What if its not anxiety? When if its something else like a brain tumor or a heart problem. I've had 3 EKGs and my new doc refuses to give me a referral to a neurologist. I never thought that anxiety could take on a physical manifestation like this. I finished another semester of college and I am fighting to finish and graduate. I'm left alone all day with a 4 year old who deserves to have a mom that is healthy and sound enough to look after her, but some days being this lonely and isolated is just so hard, because I don't feel healthy anymore. I'm tapering off of the Ambien right now. I've been having crying fits, and panic attacks. My sleep is horrible. I feel like I'm waking up every 5 minutes with tingling in my face and hands. I was shaking like a leaf under the covers. No doctor has been able to help me. They gave me Effexor XR the other day and that triggered some sort of horrible panick attack in me and I am still in the throws of it right now. Then they gave me Klonopin and it helps to take the edge off but the night time is the worse. I don't know what to do anymore.

I had a big fight with my husband on a recent trip. His mother stuck her nose where it didn't belong and we argued about it. I was getting better and better every day, but this recent fight triggered 48hours of crying and feeling like I want to leave this miserable, lonely, military wife life. Then came the panic attack that happened yesterday. It still feels like all my nerves are standing up on end and I don't have a clue what to do. Its just not a good time for me to be arguing with him. I'm trying to taper off of Ambien after years of nightly use and I am a bit of a wreck emotionally at this time. I'm also afraid to be replacing one drug with another.

I was told to replace my current does of Ambien with 1mg of Klonopin. Yesterday I took .25mg at around 5 PM and I had a terrible night, because I refused to take more. I'm afraid of Benzo withdrawal. The Klonopin does shut me up on the inside and give me some peace for a while, but I guess I do need more than .25mg for the night time when my anxiety is really bad.





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