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Anxiety Message Board


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First off, I've been diagnosed with anxiety (GAD, I guess), depression, and ADHD. I'm currently taking Welbutrin and Pristiq, and my psych and I have been experimenting with different ADHD meds with no success.

But recently I feel like I'm reaching a breaking point. I've always had problems sitting still, but lately it's gotten 10x worse. In the evening I can usually relax, but now even if I'm laying on the couch watching a movie, my leg is bouncing or moving somehow. It's hard for me to sleep because either I can't stop rocking (on my side) or I can't stop moving my feet (usually spelling out words in cursive with my foot). My roommate with ADHD jokes that an outsider would have no idea that HE'S the one on amphetamines.

I kind of attribute it to me being in a constant fight-or-flight mode. I'm always working out scenarios (the worst ones, of course), judging my surroundings, and obsessing about everything. If I plan to do something a certain way and it doesn't work out (for whatever reason), I flip out because that's not the way things were supposed to happen. I'm constantly doubting my senses (i.e., if something unexpected happens, is it because I'm not seeing/hearing right?). I'm always on edge and always ready for the worst to happen. It's exhausting, and is definitely taking a toll on my body. I'm 21 years old and I'm on heart medication and am getting a colonoscopy next month. Something has to change or my body will literally give out.

But the worst part is that I can't understand how and why everyone doesn't think this way. I get frustrated with people for being surprised at the "obviously foreseeable" consequences of their actions. I bother people with my constant worrying and asking questions about the state of things.

And then, of course, there's the social aspect. I feel like a completely worthless human being. Yes, I have friends, but they don't really like me, they just feel sorry for me. They couldn't possibly like me. I'm single, because no one wants to be around me. Seeing couples interact frustrates me because I'm unable to have that. I just had to explain to my roommate that it's not that I'm jealous of his girlfriend or don't like her, I'm jealous that he and she have the social capacity to find someone to be close with.

I'm pretty sure exercising would help me in many ways, but I honestly don't care enough. In some ways, I don't know how to live with my anxiety. I was on a medication once that completely removed it, and I failed 3 exams and fell down the stairs twice because I worried about NOTHING. But besides that, physical limitations (asthma, heart problems) limit my choices for exercising. And then there's the worthlessness again.

I'm at a loss. I'm exhausted during the day from my racing thoughts and always being on edge. When I come home, I can't relax, but I can't exercise either because what's the point? By 11pm, I'm exhausted, but can't sleep because my body and mind won't stop. I used to self-injure and stopped several years ago, but I'm having a really hard time fighting off the urge to start again.

How do others deal with this? I feel like I'm getting close to another dissociative episode, panic attack, or both. Many nights I have to go to isolate myself and focus on some physical sensation to force myself to stay with it. My current roommates have never dealt with me during either of those, and things can get pretty bad (I'll grab knives, scream, kind of hallucinate, etc). If I'm having one, there's almost no way they won't know it, and I'm hoping they don't call the cops or an ambulance.





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