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kind of weird but please bear with me. i am pretty sure this can be categorized as some kid of anxiety but which one im not sure.

i have extreme low self esteem. i have been in abusive relatioships since i was 15(im now 20) my first boyfriend dumped me for some other girl when i was 15 then i got with my kids dad a month later who is 21 years older than me who started treating me like crap as soon as i found out i was pregnant and stopped doing drugs and drinking. he cheated on me with my own sister whe i was pregnant with my first son and he raped my best friend on the couch in the living room while i was in the next room asleep pregnant and cuddling my at the time 3 month old son. my parents were always pretty nuts and i have lived on my own since i was 15 in fact ive ended up having my parents living on my couch because they were homeless and i was on a youth agreement.

now im a single mother of an akmost 3 year old and an almost 2 year old and i have some issues that i believe are effecting me being the parent i feel i could be.

i am scared of going in public. like if i absolutely have to go out i will spend hours doing my hair and makeup and then hours more procrastinating and doing other things to postpone me going out there.(without even realizing it) i feel sick to my stomach and nervous and i just hate it! especially when im by myself it gets worse! but when im with a friend its not as bad but sadly my friends dont want to go with me every time i go in public.

i feel like everyones staring at me and making fun of me. ill see a group of teenagers laugh and feel like its at some cruel joke one of them cracked about me when deep down i know none of them even looked at me! i was told by my doctor i have depression because of this but i think its something more. i know im fat but i have never taken my shirt off and stood up for a guy ill take it off if im under a blanket but otherwise i cant. im afraid of rejection i guess even though i know the guy im with cares about me and has already seen me naked laying down hes never seen me like that while im standing up lol. im really weird!

my boyfriend has asked me to have a shower together with him but i cannot bring myself to do it. we tried it with the light off but we almosty broke our necks. im alkways insecure in relationships i feel like everyones cheating on me right from the getgo. then again ive only had 2 men who didnt cheat on me so i guess that parts a normal assumption, i have no trust for any men and im only 20 years old! the rest of my life isnt going to be very good in the love department until i can finally get passed all the insecurities.

and to make matters worse i can go from being cheerful to feeling like im buried in a deep deep pit and every time i try to claw my way out more dirt just falls into the hole i scream at people for no reason i get mad for no reason but of course at the time i dont realize this and im so stubborn that if i start arguing with someone even if i find out they are right or i realize that i had no need for the argument in the first place i will keep it going because i must get the last word in.
can someone please give me some kind of advice?

am i completely friggen nuts or what????????

what the heck should i do? my anxiety or whatever of going in public is preventing me from visiting friends, and getting my high school education. the last grade i completed was grade 7 because i felt uncomfortable going to school the last day of school i attended the kid sitting behind me was jabbing me in the back with a pencil and laughing. after that i stopped going to school, i stopped going places really..... but its the last year or two that its gotten worse..... is there some kind of thing that this all can be labeled as so i can talk to a doctor and see about getting some kind of treatment?

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