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I have been in a relationship for ten months, and we have been living together for the past seven months. Up until a few weeks ago, I was perfectly normal. In the past two weeks, I've been freaking out about whether or not I love my partner. I have never thought along these lines at any other stage in our relationship. My partner is very supportive, intelligent, and caring. He makes me laugh, and we have so much in common. He's my best friend, and my number one confidante.

There has been a lot of stress on us this year, with my health, finacially, and a death in my family.

My physical health deterioated early february, and I was hospitalised several times with hyperkalemia (excessively high potassium). I dragged on up until last month, and it cost me my job. It has recently been resolved, and has caused me to stop taking high steriod asthma medication due to liver deterioration. (Back story; I have taken adult dose asthma medication since I was born, and I am frequently on prednisone. In the last four years, it's almost gotten to the point of not being able to not use prednisone when sick).

There was a brief moment where I was given the all clear, found new employment, and then had a medical relapse. So, really, I have lost two jobs on paper.

The week that the relapse happen, my grandfather passed away. I was very close with my grandfather, and it was instant. There was no lead up, no indication that he going to pass. My grandfather was like a second father to me. He was the only other person than my current partner that I have always been able to open up too.

I did not break down about my grandfathers death, until a month after his passing. This is when the relationship anxiety began.

My inital thoughts were at picking apart whether or not I love my partner. My first instinct, and the first thing I did was talk to my partner about it. He was absolutely amazing. I told everything I was thinking and feeling, and he was confident in our relationship and me to tell me that I do love him. This eased me for a while, but the anxiety returned, and later dissolved into a crying fit about being upset that grandpa had left.

After the breakdown about grandpa, I felt like myself again.

This instance of stressing, and then crying over my grandpa has repeated a few times in the last few weeks, and in the moments of clarity, I am me again, and know exactly how I feel about my partner, and once again feel happy and confident about our future.

However, I still cannot shift the underlying anxiety. It has eased, but I still nit-pick and analyse. When he's not here, I want him to be, and when he is, I just look at him and feel a mix of guilt and worry.

I have no idea what I'm supposed to do.

As it stands, I'm still unemployed, my health is on the mend, and am short one grandpa.

Thanks to anyone who actually took the time to read this.





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