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Ughhh! I seriously cannot take it anymore. I've had anxiety for at least 5 years but it all came to a head when I had my son 5 years ago, then I had twins 1 1/2 years ago and the anxiety subsided while I was pregnant but has been a downward spiral ever since.

I'm 31 years old and every single day I think I'm going to get diagnosed with something and die and leave my kids (my biggest fear) and not see them grow up, they'll be all messed up because they lost their mother so young, etc.

I'm addicted to reading "bad" stuff about people.. like I seek our horrible cancer stories and death stories about young moms like myself. Who does that??

I'm mostly obsessed w/ being diagnosed and dying from cancer. I can't ever let it go.

I do know a reason for some of my anxiety, I was adopted and I know my biological family since I was 18 and got to learn about all of their medical issues. Biological mom and biological grandmother were both diagnosed with melanoma last year (I was already borderline obsessed w/ melanoma since I'm covered in moles and have had at least 10 biopsied which have come back benign so far)

Then my dad has horrible health problems (congestive heart failure, COPD, pacemaker, etc) and is in and out of the hospital. Then my mom was diagnosed w/ a grapefruit sized brain tumor in April. She had a 14 hour craniotomoy in May and had a stroke on the table and is now paralyzed on her left side, she is moving to Texas to live with me and my family since my dad is unable to physically care for her (transfer her).

Since her diagnosis I've been to the ER 4 times.. twice for a brain tumor (had CT scan which ruled that out) and doctor basically said here is some ativan and CHILL. another time for chest pains (which I actually made up, because I had found a lymph node in my neck and wanted it to be seen immediately w/o looking crazy) and again the doctor said here is some ativan and CHILL. I did make him feel my lymph node which he did say felt a little swollen but not "scary" (IE: hard and immovable). 4th time was for ear pain (and had made it seem worse so someone could feel my lymph node since it has been there for over a month) it did turn out I had a double ear infection and the doctor felt my node which said was swollen bc of the infection, which I told him it had been there for 6 weeks before, in turn said to have it checked out if it doesn't go down after antibiotics. I'm almost done w/ antiobiotics and it's still there.

I'm freaking out that I have metastastic cancer or lymphoma or SOMETHING. I can't take my mind off of it. I can't enjoy my kids or my life because I feel like I'm waiting to be diagnosed w/ a horrible spreading terminal cancer.

I have a derm appt and physical scheduled for next week which is sending me through the roof anxiety wise. I'm on 50mg zoloft but it's obviously not working! I also try to tell myself that HEY --- this is ANXIETY, I'm not dying, etc, but the anxiety-ridden side of me says that maybe a doctor will miss a diagnosis because I AM anxiety ridden and their first thought when I have any "symptoms" of anything is anxiety.

Can someone talk me down? Anyone else feel similar? I don't know what to do anymore!





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