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Hey,

It has only just be explained to me that I suffer with anxiety. I always thought the fact that I panic about a lot of things was quite normal.

I've found myself in a bit of a crisis for the past couple of weeks which I think is down to a change in my hormones as I recently stopped taking my birth control pill. I've started to worry about my relationship not working out which is silly because there is absolutely no problem at all with my relationship, if anything we've been so happy and get on so well, it's ridiculous that I'm worrying about it. I then started to worry that because I've started thinking these thoughts it means that I'm starting to go off my boyfriend which is also silly because when I'm with him I still love him as much as I always have done (which is a lot). But this worry has led me to lose all confidence in myself because my relationship is one of the areas of my life that I felt so confident about and because I've found myself doubting myself, I feel like I've lost all the confidence in myself.

Now I've lost all my confidence in myself, if I see an attractive guy, whereas before I'd of just thought he's nice looking and not thought anything off it, now I'm overthinking it and worrying that because I've looked and thought a guy was nice looking it means that I'm going off my boyfriend. But I know that I don't want to do anything with any other guy but the fear is there. I value my relationship so much that I really worry about messing it up with all these thoughts.

Plus I've found myself looking at other couples and comparing our relationship to theirs which is also stupid because I know every relationship is different but I guess it's I'm just worrying about mine now. I think it's because we've been together a couple of years and we spend more time with each other now (as we live together) and even my boyfriend said that he noticed that we'd moved into a different stage of our relationship when we were on holiday a few weeks ago but he just said that he knew how happy we were together and so didn't think anything of it.

I spoke to a therapist a couple of weeks ago because I really felt completely lost with myself and she made me realise that I'm suffering with anxiety. I have issues from my childhood (parents getting divorced when I was 11, never really being loved by either of them growing up) and my boyfriend and I reached our 2 year anniversary the day after I started having these irrational thoughts and I think the change in my hormones have made some kind of insecurity rear it's head given the timing. My therapist thinks it's a fear of abandonment from not having much love growing up to now being loved and cared for so well by my boyfriend.

I think she might be right and I think my fear is that I am going to mess my relationship up by not being able to trust and show my emotions properly because I've not been able to for the whole of my life so far.

Before this, I used to mainly worry about my health. I've had IBS for 12 years which has been reasonably stable for ages but even since I became panicked about something last October, it has been unstable to the point that I've been worried that I've got bowel cancer and been to the drs worried about it. I also ended up with gastritis this year and had to have a gastroscopy to figure out what was going on and the gastritis ended up giving me palpitations which are still continuing now and just this week I have to have an ECG (the 5th one in 2 months) an echocardiogram and wear a holter monitor for 24hrs (for the 2nd time this year). I'm waiting for the results of those tests.

I also have a massive phobia of being sick and have always been very germ conscious but ever since my boyfriend and all of his family got the norovirus at christmas I've been terrible. My boyfriend didn't get sick until the night he came back to our flat and I spent the whole night awake panicking that I was going to get it because I knew how contagious it was and researching on what to do and the following day I had to leave the house and stay with a friend because I was so worried about getting ill and I spent the next 2 weeks cleaning the house and the kitchen and sterilising all of the cutlery and towels and sheets and I washed my hands so much they were raw. I just panicked and worried so much.

I panic if I lose something for just a few moments or if I'm on the underground and I start to need the toilet in case I have an accident (even though I have never had an accident).

I didn't realise quite how bad I was until my therapist mentioned that I was suffering with anxiety and I've taken a step back and can see what she means.

But whilst it's all very well and good being able to recognise that there is a problem there, I just don't know how to help myself out of it!

I really am trying, I've started to take my contraceptive pill again in the hope that that sorts out my hormone problems and makes me a little more rational plus I'm trying evening primrose oil capsules and vitamin B complex to try and help it, I've also started speaking to a therapist and I'm now using Bach rescue remedy. But I just worry, mainly about my relationship really, what if I mess it up?!





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