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Re: Mandie
Feb 3, 2003
Hi Kathy Gee, I really did not realize how self centered I have been . I should also have been sympathetic to you and your problems as well, and, I am so sorry for this. But, lately, I just can't think of anything but my problems, and I have really not "been there" when other people are concerned- including my family. This is another thing that is scaring me- I have always been the one that the family could lean on, and now, they don't really come to me for any help because they know how bad I am feeling. I would like to get out of this "bad place" so much and be able to be around people again and enjoy talking with them, but, I just am not ready for this. I do not make any social plans because I need to know that if I go anywhere and I feel miserable, that I can go home with no questions asked. Most people do not understand this when you are socializing. When I go out shopping, I like to go alone, so that if I have to sit down, or just feel like crying, I can do it without answering to anyone. Do you know what I mean? It is so hard to explain this to most people, they just don't understand why I want to be alone. My mother keeps telling me to "fight and keep on going" and I noticed in Dr Weekes book that she addresses this issue by saying this is one of the worse things that can be told to patients like us. Most people mean well, but they just don't know how to handle me, and usually, thier helpfullness, turns out to backfire and make me worse. Can you relate to this? Do you go out with friends? I used to go out every Sat. night with friends , but now, I will go to a movie with my husband and come home. This way, I don't have to give excuses to anyone when they want to go for coffee. A good therapist would help me greatly in giving me the opportunity to talk all of this out and let go of all of my true feelings. I don't know about you, but when I go to a therapist, most of the time, I just can not "let go" and reveal my inner most thoughts, like I am doing now. Maybe it is because we are face to face and I feel that I am being judged, or, maybe I just don't have trust enough to let them into my life. I feel so comfortable here because I am writing to someone that I feel truly understands what I am going thru, and also, I don't have anyone looking at me while I am talking- this really unnerves me and I wonder what they are writing on their yellow pad!! I guess that we both need to find someone that we can trust and feel comfortable with. You sound like you have been helped in the past and maybe have found someone that you could trust. This must have made you feel better. Also, in the book, Dr. Weekes talks about feeling good for "the moment" when you are with the therapist and maybe and hour or two after you leave. But then the old thinking and fears creep back into your mind and you are back to square one. This is so true for me, what about you? I know that we can only meet for 1 hour per session, but I hate when she looks at the clock and tells me that time is up It is such a mechanical gesture and I can't help but feel that I am just a number to her and when I leave I sometimes feel worse . Have you had these experiences? That is why a support group is the best idea for me because we are dealing with everyone with "suffering souls" and no one is judging the next one or watching the clock. I think that maybe you should look for one as well, even though you sound like you can cope much better than me, Kathy, have you been on any meds? You did not mention if you are on any now. I am on ativan three times a day and it really helps me to think clearly. I also have tried the wellbutrin (I am sorry if I already told you this, bear with me) , but I just did nt see any change so i am trying to get off of it. Tommorrow I will see the new dr. and I am, frankly, a little nervous as to what she will say and do. Although, the first session is really a waste to me when they do the intake for an hour. It is quite an expensive hour giving her facts about me. I am sure that she will want me take drugs , too. I just am nt happy with that idea at this time even though I know that you are right that some of the meds can produce miracles= if you can get thru the side affects. I have so much going on right now with my body, I just can't take any more discomfort. Well, I sure talked a lot me again, didn't I? I really want to be there for you too, Kathy, and I am glad that I make you smile. You sure are making my days a lot sunnnier. Do you ever go on any of the other support groups on line. I hope that I can ask you this. When I type in "depression' there are many different webcites and it is really hard to tell which are good and which are not. Do you agree? Well, I hope to talk to you soon M
Re: Mandie
Feb 4, 2003
Kathy- well, I think the worse thing I could have done was to go to this doctor today. She was the typical sterotype of all phychiatrists. When I came in I had to fill out so many papers that it must have taken me at least 20 minutes to finish them all. When she finally called me in, she said that she wanted to ask me questions. I figured it was just a short intake, but instead she asked me all the questions that i just answered on the paperwork- How stupid was that. So, not only did I waste 20 minutes filling them out, but then I payed for another 20 minute while she asked me the same questions. All ready I was getting very annoyed. Then I asked her if she did "talk therapy' and she immediately said "no, I only do medication adustments and dispensement. Well, you know , I could go to my dr. for that, I really needed to talk to an expert on my problems. When I started to try to tell her about what was going on with me, she kept interrupting me and saying that I should go to a therapist for that. ANd, the worse of it all is when I said that I had been going to one but she did not address the issues that I was suffering with, instead, she wanted to talk about my mother, father, grandfather, potty training and who knows what else and this dr. actually agreed with this therapy. I need someone to help me address this pain and how to cope with it, instead she said that she does not believe in talking about the pain, but about other things to get my mind off of it. I don't need her for that, I can do that with my kids or friends. So, what she suggested was changing from ativan to Klonipan= Now I have been on ativan for over 20 years and it does keep me grounded and frankly, I am afraid to change, but I do notice that a lot of people on this board do take this med. Do you know anything about it? She said that it is a long lasting ativan, and I wont have to take it as often. She also told me to continue the wellbutrin that i am trying to get off of. I don't think that it is doing anything for me, but she felt that maybe it was. Boy, if it is, it sure is a LOUSY medication !!! So anyway, here I sit after going to a dr. feeling more depressed than when I started- as usual. She wants to see me every month, but I don't know if I should continue with someone that was so "mechanical and quite uncaring" to my problems at hand. I really need to find someone who can be like DR. Weekes- where can we find someone like her?? She would be such a GOd send to both of us, I am sure, and I feel so helpless in finding a doctor like her. I looked at the back of her book to see if she had any colleagues in this area that I might be able to contact, but she is from Austrailia, too far for me to go every week!! I am just feeling so dowm that maybe I am being too silly now, but I am sure that you understand why I feel this way. I just don't understand how a doctor can be deaf to my feelings when she knew that I really needed to talk, but when we were thru, I walked out and she practically fell over me trying to get to her next patient. Kathy, she was so highly recommeded, that it is so discouraging to me I really do prefer phychologists, because I think that they are more atuned to feelings and not just medications. DId you find that to be true? SO my question is, should I change to klonopin, or not? I will look over the board and see what oters are doing and maybe post the question to the others as well. Talk to you later M

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