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As I get closer and closer to my new boyfriend, I find myself getting more and more insucure and itís beginning to really take itís toll on me. Our relationship is by far the most communicative and Ďrealí relationship I have had - the only guy I have dated that I have ever thought I could marry. My past track record involved dating someone for about 3 months, loving them but realzing deep down they were not the one, yet staying w. them for another year or so with one foot out the door till I had the guts to end it.) Ironicly itís because I love this guy SO much and know how devoted I could be to him that I am so miserable half the time! I am dealing with REAL intimacy for the first time and for months I've been going through spells of intense sensitivity, which lately they have been every other day! Itís scaring me and I really fear hurting the realtionship. He claims he can handle them, but a person can only take so much and I fear his patience will eventually wear thin if I canít change. I get jealous SO easily (NOT a former trait of mine!) and obsess about girls flirting with him or possible cheating in the future (heís a very good looking musician with possible tours in the future, etc) Itís self-esteem crushing to have these 2-3 day stretches of depression and fear, 90% of the time for no real reason at all! I have developed a MAJOR fear of being cheated on (which I never had in my 2 previous long term realtionships) though he has done nothing to suggest that he would (not flirty, no history of cheating, etc). As I said itís all my fear of loosing him and the pain it would cause me - so as a result I almost unconsiously ďretreatĒ into painfull thoughts to keep a distance from him. Its a bizzare, ironic tactic that, though it steming from a kind of backward self-peservation, hurts just as much as an actual rejection would! An exhausting circle that, at itís worst moments leaves me feeling so distant, desperate to feel closer, unable to feel the love he showers me with, embarassed, stupid, afraid, alone, etc, etc...
Anyone out there going through the same thing or has? I am a pretty self aware person really open to discussing and communicating, but even this is out of my league as far as what I can do. I am seeing a therapist but could go for some realting, anyway...
wow, thanks so much for the empathetic response. I actually just did some online research on Anticipation Anxiety and it was a relief to see my problem so perfectly laid out! Glad to hear you had it as bad as me and it got better - as far as my age, Iím older than you (tho not by much) and just coming to terms with this problem. So true what you said about the more you like the person the worse the anxiety, and I DEFINATELY know the impulse to distance yourself to ďprotectĒ yourself - the worst part is you do that and itís so painfull beause a you know how destructive you are being, YOU are the one sabatoging your relationship - helping it crumble out of your fear of it crumbleing! itís like a war raging in my head that makes me totally paralyzed and mute till it passes. When I am not that way the realtionship is the most amazing thing I have ever had, but the spells are just getting closer and closer together. Hopefully this new therapist will help - he seems like a good one. But your advice was soothing, esp since I had a bad attack of it last night. Thanks!





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