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Bipolar Disorder Message Board

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I am new on this board. I have been reading parts of your story, mostly the begining and the end. I have just been diagnosed with Cyclothymia, I did not know I had it. But the reason why I am writing to you is because I was married to a guy that was diagnosed with major depression, which I think was actually Bipolar. It sort of hurts to read some parts of your story.
It started the same way, I felt something for him. I thought it was love, it was, just the wrong kind, I loved him like family.
I also convinced him to let me help him. We went to different psych. and got him medicated and re-medicated.
We ended up getting kicked out of the place we lived at twice because of his little tantrums. Like you said, it was like taking care of a child.
We ended up in a whole other state and finally, he had a good doctor. Then he insisted we come back to California, so I savend enough to come back. We found a good doctor in Mexico, just across the border, and he made me think a bit.
He said we had a co-dependent relationship. He said I was making him more dependant on me because I was doing everything for him, and he was not putting in anything on his part.
I went to work and to college, to make enough money for us to live on. He worked for one of his family members and made very little money. He said he was just helping his family. I asked, what about us? I could use some help.
I gave and gave, and he only took. At the end, he kept saying he loved me, but I started to wonder if it was because I took care of him.
Finally the doctor's words hit me when I signed up for the Army. While I was away from my ex, I thought about the words. The doctor had said that I was also dependant on my ex, because, he said "Your day is going to be whatever he says it's going to be. If he decides to have a bad day, he drags you down with him." He said that I needed to let him grow up, and that I needed to get a life. My own life.
I guess I neederd that time away to realize how I maried him for the wrong reasons, I married him because I wanted to make him well. I wanted to help him, not to make him happy, but to get him out of his hole at least.
After 10 years of trying, I quit. I got a divorce, it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It broke my heart, but all those years of struggling, we just kept doing more harm to each other instead of getting ahead.
BUt that last time we went to doctor, "I said I still want kids". The doctor said "You mean you want another kid?" It took me a minute to think it out, and he was right. I would not be able to handle that, he was the wrong guy for this.
But all the time we spent together, he kepts saying, "yeah, when you get a better job", I got the job then he said "When we get our own place". So I did that, then he said "when you go to college", so I went. Then he said, "When you get your PHD". That was the last straw!
He told me that day, that if I wante dchildren, I should go find someone that does, because he would never want them.
It was then that I realized how much control he had over my life, I was doing whatever he said, and if I didn't he would fly into a rage, then we end up at the mental hospital again.
So when I found out that while I was at Basic training, he didn't die, he actually did take care of himself somehow. Then I figured, maybe I could get a life. But I had such low self esteem, that I figured nobody would ever love me, why should they?
I decided to divorce, and get a life of my own. My marriage was not meant to be.
It is like having a cart with 2 horses, one horse pulls to the right and the other to the left. They will eventually get fatigue and drop to the ground, they won't get anywhere unless they help each other out and agree to go in the same direction.
I was so wrong about things. I spent some months alone, and found myself. I found out what I like, what I want, I doscovered a lot about myself while I was alone.
Then I met a wonderfull man, he is very loving and kind. I actually fell in love this time, and I never thought it would feel like this. We have been married 5 years now, and even with my "PMS" (as we call my mood swings), he still loves me. I still get butterflies in my stomach thinking of seeing him at the end of the day. I still hurry back to my room even now, just to see him for a few hours on my day off.
When I have the "PMS" days, and he sees that I am just low, he makes me laugh and he keeps me going. I have never had the love and support I have now. I am now giving and recieving! And we both have the same goals in life. We are there for each other, and that keeps us going.
I don't know if you want to go to a counselor to help you guys talk about what you feel uncomfortable with. If you are planning to be a couple, you should go to counseling together, just for "getting along issues", if you feel uncomfortable about the rest.
If not, maybe you should rethink the whole thing. Can you take some time away? Some time you can spend with family or a friend, just as a mini vacation, a "time to reflect" so you can find yourself, and think about what you want for your future.
By the way, writing is a good start. Thank you for sharing your story.
Hope to hear from you, and know you are O.K.

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