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Bipolar Disorder Message Board

Bipolar Disorder Board Index

Re: Help Me Please
Jun 10, 2006

First, let me just say that I'm so sorry that your emotional life has been so hard. I have been BPD my whole life and what you describe sounds pretty classic. Right down to the trouble getting a dx.
I was first diagnosed as clinically depressed at about 23, but I had severe signs of BPD since I was about seven. Even though my symptoms were debilitating, I never took meds because I had had drug problems in my teen years. Clearly, I didn't understand my illness and the doctors were no help.
Even after finally getting on an SSRI at about 33, I still was no closer to understanding my illness. My mania escalated out of control and even though I was under the care of a pdoc, they didn't see it. Even after a MAJOR episode that involved my losing everything; my job, friends, health, apartment... EVERYTHING. I went home to stay with my family. But I didn't know I was BPD, I thought I had depression.
It wasn't until almost five years later, several more breakdowns and a lot of research that I even found out I was BPD and when I told my pdoc I thought I was... she didn't believe me. She diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder. The doctors think that BPD's would never admit to their manic symptoms. But we don't admit to them WHILE we're having them. As I always tell people, "We're chemically imbalanced, not stupid."
The unfortunate thing is that it is almost impossible to be diagnosed and recieve proper treatment until the pdoc's realize you are BPD. They seem not to catch it unless there is a major crisis like a suicide attempt, even people like yourself, who seem to have had mania unmasked by an SSRI and are in treatment don't get diagnosed! And then you start to try and figure it out yourself and they tell you that if you really were BPD, you would not admit it. UGH. Sometimes I wish I did have diabetes. It would be easier.
But for whatever reason, this is our lot in this life. It is perhaps the plan that we have to figure it out ourselves and fight to get treatment that helps us be who we are capable of being.
There are other signs of BPD that are very positive. Increased creative ability, hyper sensitivity to the feelings of others, heightened intelligence and spirituality, superior reasoning abilities, insatiable thirst for knowledge, elevated self confidence and ambition... the list is just as long as the list of negatives.
All blessings are curses and all curses are blessings. Keep this in mind when trying to figure out what is going on with your brain chemestry. There is an old story that expresses it best.

A man in a small village owned a beautiful horse. The villagers said that he was truly blessed to have such a horse. The man told them that blessings are also curses.
One day, the horse ran away and the people in the town told him he was surely cursed to lose such a wonderful horse. The man replied that curses are also blessings.
A week later, the horse returned with a herd of wild horses and the villagers counted him very blessed. The man simply stated that blessings were also curses.
A few years later the man's young son was trampled by the horses and became lame from his injuries. The townspeople sent sympathy, telling the man he was surely cursed. But the man only said that curses are blessings.

Many years later an army came through and rounded up all the young men to fight in the war. The man's two oldest sons were killed in the war, but the youngest was lame and unable to join the army. The townspeople all agreed that the man was blessed. Shaking his head, the man tried to tell them again, "Curses are blessings and blessings curses."

This is the secret of making it through this life. If you see that your weaknesses are also your strengths, you will be more reticent to hate your weaknesses. You simply understand that life is long and there are many different skills needed to get through. And because you have the curses you have, you also have the blessings.

Check the thread I started called Advantages of bipolar. Maybe you'll also start to find your curses that are blessings.

Welcome. The fact that you have fund this sight gives you a boost in understanding your illness and getting the treatment that's right for you. The people on here are wise and amazing and have been through the ringer and come back. We are happy to help.

It is very important to always remember that this illness is managable. You can live a healthy, productive life with no major episodes. My hero is Ruth6:11, who has been stable for 20 years!

Hang in there. It will be hard, but you're on the right track!
Much love

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