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Bipolar Disorder Message Board

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Since the last post I made here, I've been reading through my fiance's copy of Loving Someone With Bipolar Disorder by Julie Fast. It's starting to make me realize that a lot of my behaviors that I had attributed to other things are very common BP symptoms, and that as much as I've been wanting to believe that I have most of my BP symptoms under control, I really just .. don't.

More than I think it should, this realization has got me really upset. I know he wants to work with me and understand me, but I know that it's really just in his best interest that I shut him out, just as I have with so many other people in the past. Any time I lost control of my regular symptoms (ie - not the new ones that I'm discovering are BP-related after all, rather than whatever else I blamed them on) with someone else, I quickly shut them out of my life. I've lost a lot of great friends because of this, and part of my issues with my family stem from me blocking people out. (Though right now, I don't know if my blocking my family out is more their real lack of desire to understand the disorder or if I just perceive them as feeling that way.)

I don't know what my actual question here is. Right now, I'm just feeling really sad and alone and frustrated, as it's 3:09am and I'm alone at home with two cats and two dogs and no actual humans to talk to, and I just feel like I'm breaking down.

I just know that as he was leaving here at the end of his lunch break (he works nights and comes home to spend his breaks with me), he told me that he doesn't want to "fix" me, that he just wants me to let him love me, and I just feel like for his own sake I really shouldn't let him do that.

I don't know.

Is there ever anyone actually online here at this time of night, anyway?

There must be, right? I can't possibly be the only person here who only sleeps semi-normal hours under the influence of Am*bi*en?

To make this into a question, I guess: How do you stop yourself from shutting out loved ones who want to be there for you, when you know from books and message boards that you're only going to end up ruining their lives?
Dogmansa, from reading your past posts about your experiences with your fiancee, I am just so touched. Honestly, your second post here sounded incredibly similar to my fiance's post on another bipolar-related board and it broke my heart to read of your intense love for her and what she puts you though, because I know it's exactly the same love that he has for me, and is exactly the same as what I put him through. It amazes me how you both have so much strength and courage and can find it in yourselves to not just tolerate, but to love a woman with bipolar disorder. I really am not sure if I would be able to do it, myself, and for that strength, I really commend you.

Naturemomma816, you're so right on your recommendation of talking to him about how I feel to make the situation feel a little better for me. I talked to him and cried to him a bit when he got home from work, and that, in combination with the kind replies to my post, and in reading stories from other BP folk on the "I don't like others" board has really have made a world of difference. I've always known talking about how I feel can help the situation, but when my biggest concern is that I'm ruining his life by constantly talking about BD and how it makes me feel, talking about it in an attempt to alleviate the problem is a sort of bittersweet irony. (I hope that makes sense!)

Thank you both so much for your encouragement and kind words. I'm really starting to get the feeling that finding this board really is one of the best things I have done for myself and my disorder in a long, long time.
[QUOTE=tony72;3290026]You are someone who is managing a conditon that effects you - not defines you.

He wouldn't be with you if he didn't love you and want to endure this aspect of your life. You are worthy, and wonderfully made. [/QUOTE]

Well really, I [I]know[/I] that. He tells me that, others tell me that, but in times like these, it's just so hard to believe. I don't know how to explain that, really. I really KNOW it's true, but then there's that really loud part of me that screams out that it's a total lie and I'm wasting his life and his (and everyone else's) time. I know we all must get like that, in these moments.

And that sentiment, "managing a condition that effects me - not defines me" should really be put on a t-shirt for me to wear constantly to remember it. Bipolar effects me; it does not define me. I just have to keep repeating that over and over and maybe eventually, I'll stop feeling like I'm just SO bipolar that I can't possibly be anything else along with it.

Thank you so much. Your reply really gives me a lot to think about. I'm reading it at the perfect time; it's exactly what I need right now.

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