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Bipolar Disorder Message Board

Bipolar Disorder Board Index

Hi there. This is my first time here. I'm a 24 year old guy who has just started seeing a therapist. She believes I'm definitely bipolar, and has told me to seen a psychiatrist asap since seeing her right after I came crashing down after my first manic episode.

I have a couple questions. Since I was 12 years I've been very quiet and introverted (after having went through a traumatic move). I had no friends for a few years since I decided to be pissed off at the world and jump on a high-horse and think "I'm don't want to make friends with these people... blah blah." I'm suprised I ended up making any friends with my backwards personality/way of thinking. In high school I was a complete crazy person. Dressing insanely and feeling 'better' than everyone who I wasn't close to (I guess that's how I dealt with feeling inferior to them).

I just recently noticed (about 3 weeks ago when I came down from a life-threatening manic episode) that I've been in a huge depression since I was 12. No normal non-depressed person would have acted the way I have the past 12 years. Yes, I had a few periods of slight happiness here and there, but eventually they all ended.

Anyway, to my questions... is it possible that I'm not bipolar, and I'm just a weak person? I feel inadequate in nearly all situations, and I haven't taken any medications to treat my depression (yet), but I always feel like I should be able to just bust out of this boring/pathetic/fearful shell I've encased myself in for the last 12 years, and be happy, energetic, and fun to be around. I always feel like I'm holding back. Perhaps I'm so used to being in this shell that I'm simply afraid to be 'happy and fun'?

I'm so confused at this point in my life. I feel I'm a very weak person, and I simply don't know if the depression caused me to be like that or something. I can't even imagine living a normal life since I can't imagine being able to support myself on my own, let alone be able to take care of a wife and kids (which I would really love to have someday). I mean I've lost everything after this last manic episode (friends, job, vehicle, money, the last bit of self-worth I had left). I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I guess I would just like to hear if anyone has been where I'm at. I'm very afraid that I'll never be able to live a near normal life. I'm completely riddled with fear/doubt.

Thank you

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