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Bipolar Disorder Message Board

Bipolar Disorder Board Index

June 2009, I was 'officially' diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I first heard the name in 2007, but didn't believe I could have it. By the time I was officially diagnosed, I truly believed I had bipolar disorder.

However, since that diagnosis, I have wondered if I truly have bipolar disorder. I present with many of the symptoms (my manic episodes dominate with illusions of grandeur and sexual promiscuity, and the feeling that everyone is talking about me and thinking about me, while my depressive episodes, which I have more of, dominate with a feeling of emptiness, dwelling on negative thoughts and nightmares), but I have this nagging feeling that I don't have bipolar disorder, but BPD or schizophrenia, which I don't know as much about.

I have always trusted my instinct (bad choice, for someone who is mentally unstable,) and I need to know. However, I don't want to go to my old psychiatrist (I stormed out of our last session, fuming that I knew more than he did,) without a firmer belief that I was given the wrong diagnosis.

I can go days, weeks, even months in one mood, usually depression. However, I also have days where I go from manic one second, to completely depressed the next. In fact, I would say that I spend three months every year completely depressed (two months solid, then one month solid, is the pattern I've noticed,) and the rest of the year is my mood switches week to week, day to day, even minute to minute.

When I'm happy, angry or otherwise what I call 'high', I tend to do things I wouldn't normally do; have sex, do schoolwork, write three chapters of my book in a row, cook until every dish is dirty, etc. I have more energy, I feel like I can actually accomplish my goals and that I have a stab at making a life for myself. I feel sexy, happy and wonderful. I get angry really easily, I scream and yell (and then apologize moments later), and sometimes I can't remember what I did an hour ago or what I was doing (that could be completely unrelated). I never sleep, because I don't feel 'tired'.

When I'm sad, depressed or 'down', I lay around a lot. I'll watch TV all day, surf the web just to find something to occupy five minutes, ignore my phone, eat only what I can scrounge (and I love to cook). I'll go days without showering because I just can't stand up without feeling exhausted. I'll sit and stare into space for hours, unable to think, unable to feel anything but emptiness. I don't like listening to music or reading (I normally love both). I tend to be crabby as well - I argue with my mom and sister, break up with my boyfriend, @#!*% at people on websites. I don't sleep, because when I do, I have horrible nightmares.

Beyond that, I have some things that just happen all the time, not related to my mood - I hear breathing, at night, under my bed (a mattress on the floor). It doesn't happen often, very rarely, but it has happened enough times to concern me. I'm convinced that somebody is watching me. For years, I have thought my parents have cameras around the house, watching me.

The thing that concerns me the most (and only because my old psychiatrist spent a long time writing notes after I told him this,) is that I have this feeling that I am just a doll. Like we are all dolls, the world is a dollhouse, and we are the playthings of some giant being. I feel as though my actions are not mine, as if someone has a remote control and I'm their little robot. Sometimes I'll be sitting down and reading or whatever, and I feel like I leave my body. My viewpoint changes slightly, I feel lightheaded (in a good way,) and I feel, for a moment, untouchable. I have gotten to a point where I can go into the "trance" on purpose.

I do have a family history of mental illness. My maternal grandfather has never been officially diagnosed, but presents with all symptoms of bipolar disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. My maternal grandmother, and a few of my mother's sisters, suffer from chronic depression. My paternal grandmother, I believe, has been diagnosed with paranoia and schizophrenia (I could be mistaken, my dad doesn't talk much about it and she lives out-of-state.) There are also thyroid conditions, which I have been tested for previously and will be tested for again soon.

I don't know if physical symptoms have any spot in mental illness, but I'll list recent developments anyway. Since June 2009, I have gained sixty pounds, fifty of it after a Mirena (IUD) insertion in September 2009. Stretch marks have grown in accordance with the weight gain, however, I noticed that the small vertical ones I had on my inner thighs have stretched halfway to my knee, are deep and are vividly red - this concerned me, as the stretch marks on my outer thighs, 'love handles' and abdomen are small, pinkish and shallow. I am nearly always constipated.

I have also been diagnosed with OCD and a generalized anxiety disorder. I am currently dealing with a bout of depression, after I was diagnosed with HSV-2 (genital herpes).

Anything you can tell me or say will help. Thank you.

I'm scared. I feel like I can't talk to anyone, nobody understands. When I try to talk, the words jumble up and I can't get them straight. Nobody even wants to hear it anymore, they're tired of it.

I feel spoiled, bratty, awful and guilty. I can't ask for help anymore, they're tired of hearing it. I'm scared, and I'm tired and I need help. So please. Anything you know, please. I need this. More than anything else, I don't want to have to deal with any of this, I'm still hoping and praying that this is just 'normal' teenager stuff (I'm 17), but I know the chance of that is so low, and I know I have to face this, I have to deal with it. This isn't something that can be ignored. I'm trying to hard, and I just need some help. I just need a push in the right direction, please.
I'm 37 and was just diagnosed even though my mom is also bipolar. Thank goodness you were diagnosed now. You may not feel like it now but this is a good thing, you now know that your mood swings and racing thoughts are part of your condition, not just"crazy" boy do I hate that word! I know what it is like to not only have the regular teen early adult crap to deal with but bipolar also. Please get with a good dr. That you feel you can trust. Get on the correct meds for YOU.

Med are so personal, just because it works with other people does not mean it is correct for you. Be sure and establish a trust group. You are smart to reach out. Your trust group are those who know you and love / support and some times just are the people who take the wrath and keep loving and supporting you. I don't know how your home life is but if it is a good environment stay there as long as you are supported. I was just as manic as my mother so well.. I was out of my house by16 and it was supper hard. I would do a months worth of home work then not go to school to turn it in. Bad plan, I spent a lot of time in risky places with risky people. At one time in my life I was living in a 500 sq. foot cut rate apartment with no heat trying to finish college l and had only one person (later the man that became my husband) in my trust group. You are so smart to reach out to a support network. I feel that this forum will be good for you. read and know you are not alone, many people are here to support you.

A bipolar diagnosis in not the end of your life, it is the defining moment when you finally know you are not"crazy" did I say how much I hate that word! It is the day you make a choice to live productively in-spite of the bipolar. If you ever need to talk just post. I pray that you have the peace and strength.
Later Indnmom
I can understand every word. Thank you for your reply. An update on me. If you will listen or maybe just for me to get it out. W went on our weekend mini vacation and the time in the car was painful but took meds and I was fine. W had a good time I felt" up" I guess the increase in some meds working. It was great until we got home I know I always feel a bit blue after the up but this was deep blue. I could feel the will drain out of me my body hurt my thoughts were so heavy they felt like the most simple yes or no could be a huge deal. I don't want to eat, I don't even wan to drink now, I feel dirty but no way would I be able to shower. My hubby who is great has I guess reached the end of putting up with me.

He left at 4 pm in blizzard conditions and called leaving a voice mail he would not be back this evening? I guess it is to be expected no one should have to be tied to this for a lifetime. When I entered the kitchen this evening the kids were enjoying stew with my grandmother and I did not even feel like I belonged in such a loving scene. My grand mother is worried about the weight I have lost. I could have lost a few pounds anyway so I see this as a good thing. Skinny is good and I an a long long way from that.

How can i feel so disconnected? I am suposed to love my family but I look at them and they could be strangers for the amount I feel for them? What is wrong? I am worried will my hubby come back ? What will it be like? Will I care if he is mad or wants to fight? No I won't but why? I have known him over half my life he knows all my dirty secrets and yet one I could care less. Why? How can my emotions betray me like this?

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