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Bipolar Disorder Message Board

Bipolar Disorder Board Index

So this is my first post, forgive me if this is a common and annoying question.

mid March of last year i had a rough time in my senior year of college. I was 25 and my whole life felt meaningless and worthless. alot of the occupy stuff was taking my time all fall and winter before that and im not sure how that contributes to anything but by march it was disintegrating rapidly. I had been feeling pretty down and having strange thoughts that kept intruding on whatever i was doing. i was drinking a lot and doing a lot of drugs, no amphetamines though. since the new year I had been even more depressed, my girlfriend and i were fighting alot and everything was falling apart, even though in retrospect it wasnt that big of a deal. i started having trouble sleeping and was told a few times that i needed to calm down i was partying to hard etc. I saw a doctor, and was put on seroquel

I came off of it, one week got pretty bad and i didnt sleep for 4 days at all, I was mostly sober but drank some alcohol. i did drugs before that and it felt like that might have kicked it up a notch. at the end of the four days my girlfriend broke up with me. I was alone, and i got very drunk and cut my wrist pretty bad. i had done some cutting 10 years before and i started again that spring. I completely severed a tendon and ended up with 13 stitches (I called the ambulance on myself after a little fainting fit when i got scared of dying). I was put on lithium and zyprexa, then switched to trileptal when my kidneys started acting up.

I ran out of insurance after i graduated and stopped taking meds. I have felt ok, last couple months i have been depressed a week or two here or there and some of the intrusive thoughts and nightmares have been coming and going but i feel way better than being on the meds. I went vegan and lost 30lbs down to 152 and feel healthier and more attractive, which is nice.

I dont really think of myself as bipolar and have been concluding that i was misdiagnosed and then messed up by the seroquel. but i just spoke to somebody about someone who didnt have a manic episode till close to 10 years after their first. this spooked me so i started doing research and it seems that they can be years apart.

first i was just spooked about having another episode (i had naively thought that it was always back to back and that since i came off the meds i was cured) then i started thinking about when i was 16-17 and i was running away and heavily using. I had some psychotic episodes that i attributed to speed, but i wonder if that could have been a first episode? furthermore, i am finishing up a course and plan on leaving the country in the next couple months to live abroad.

I guess my question in short form is what did your progression look like? was it similar to mine or not? and what do you think about mine? what should i do (i have no insurance and cant afford psych)?

ps. I have been feeling fairly in control lately minus some nightmares and intrusive thoughts, averaging about 5-6 hours or so of sleep most nights, drinking but not getting very drunk except 1 night a week. (the booze helps the nightmares).

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