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Cancer: Colon Message Board

Cancer: Colon Board Index

My mom was diagnosed in Oct 2002 at age 54 with stage IV colon cancer. She tried chemo for about six months but it kept spreading. It's in her liver, her throat and who knows where else by now. She's taking oral pain meds now (oxycontin) - I guess it will be morphine or something next, huh?

A little more background - I'm pregnant, due in November, with her first grandchild. So of course we just pray and pray that she'll make it till then. We have no idea how much time she has left, but the amount of pain med she needs has increased very quickly, which we know is not a good sign.

She can't really go anywhere anymore except for short car trips. She says she feels like she's just sitting around waiting to die. She sleeps most of the time because of the pain medicine, so she feels like she's missing out on her remaining time. Her doc has her on antidepressants, but they can't block out the cold hard reality.

I'm on antidepressents too - and I can't imagine what kind of basketcase I would be without them because I am barely holding it together as it is. I can make it through the day without crying unless one little thing goes wrong, and then everything comes bubbling up to the surface and I lose it. My doctor asked if I thought seeing a therapist would help - I really don't think it would. What would he do? I don't have a problem talking about my feelings - my husband is wonderful for that - so what is a therapist going to say? The bottom line is, my mother is dying, and it sucks, and nothing can be done about it.

I find myself having thoughts of "I wish it were just all over." Then I hate myself for thinking that for a minute. But I hate seeing her this way, and I hate just "waiting"! I sometimes feel like once she is gone, and I can get through the grief and eventually start to heal. But as of now, it's like we're grieving for her and she isn't even gone yet.

My stepdad is her primary care giver, and he has quit work to take care of her. They need a lot of errands run and it is getting to be a strain with the pregnancy and everything. But how can I say "no" when they call and need something? I feel so selfish. And I know she would like me to come over and visit every day after work, but some days I am just so tired I just want to go home and rest. Then I think soon will come a day when I will wish she was calling asking for favors and for a visit, because she's gone. I can't seem to find a balance between taking care of myself and this baby, and trying to be with her.

Is anyone else going through this?

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