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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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I am so glad I found this board.As I have been suffering from bulimia for 10 years.I had always been overweight since I was about 13.At age 19 I became pregnant and shot up to 245 pds at the time of my delivery,after I had my son I saw a picture of myself and thought I had to do something.So I did everything right and lost 60 pds.Then my best friend said to me one day why are you depriving yourself of foods do what I do,and she told me that she was bulimic,so I did and thought wow this is great I can still eat what I want and loose weight,that was 10 years ago and here I am 31 and still doing it and it has only gotten worse over the years.After learning to binge and purge I discovered laxatives and ubused those for years,then came a appointment to the 'fat doctor,who put me on diet and water pills.Well he soon moved out of state and I was stuck, no pills.I found a web site on the internet and started ordering lasix water pills which after 2 years I still order them from there.Laxatives were no longer working for me,so my normal doctor said I had irritable bowel syndrome and put me on Zelnorm.Now I am completely out of control I take zelnorm which just gives me diarreha and my water pills which I just pee non stop.And my health has went completely down hill,I am always at the doctors for some reason or another and I know it is from what I am doing.I hate myself for the things I have done and are doing.I am 5'5 and weight 132 and I still think I look like that 245 girl.I don't think I will ever feel it is enough,so therefore,i don't feel I will ever be able to quit.I have horrible low self esteem.When I lost all that weight so quickly I was left with some extra skin,so I was positive that if I got rid of that I would be happy.So I had a tummy tuck,butt lift,breat implants and a chin implant and I still feel as miserable as I did before I had it all done.All I want to do is get better,but I still have not admitted to anyone that I even have this problem,my doctor did blood tests on me a few weeks ago and called and said my potassium level was dangerously low and asked if I was anorexic or bulimic and of course I said no,so he said it must be from the Zelnorm,and said to cut back,but I knoW it is from the strong diuretics I take.Sometimes I pray that I will get on the website that I order these from and the website will be gone.I would just love to talk to someone for once that I can talk to about this,I have kept this MY secret for so long that I can't take it anymore.I am definatley afraid that if something does not give I will die from this.I have no energy because I am always dehydrated and when i try to stop all the water pills and my Zelnorm I will gain 8 pds in 2 days and that is no joke,which then sends me right back into doing them again.I still throw up atleast 3-4 times a week sometimes more sometimes less depnding if I can get away with it more.My poor husband has not a clue to any of this.He always asks me to please sit down with the family and eat dinner with them,but I always say no I picked while I was making it.meanwhile I know I can't because them I will no be able to go throw up because everyone is home.It's horrible and I COMEND anyone who has overcome this,I just wish I coiuld.Thanks for listening,it feels so good saying all of this!!!
Thank you so much for your responses.It makes me feel good to know that I am not alone.I hate everything that this disorder has done to my life,so I always say t9o myself no more,but it never works.I have NEVER told a sole for 10 years and the friend that recommened bulimia to me is still a bulimic and proud of it,she'll tell anyone,so I never told her as I knew everyone would know then.I honestly never thought of it as a problem until I saw my health failing.It takes everything out of me to get up in the morning and go to work because I feel so bad,I am always at the doctors and I feel like such a con when I just sit and lie to him,telling him I have no eating disorders and don't know why I feel this way,i know he is the one person I should be telling about it,but just cannot seem to do it......May I ask what happened after 12 years of recovery that you started with your bulimia again?You should be so proud of yourself I mean very very proud of yourself. I think I am the way I am from years in school being tormented about my weight and just thinking I would never be accepted if I got fat again,so then I think to myself well what is the alternative if you do not stop!! I never did the ipecac syrup but once or twice,it worked well but I could just not bare to swallow it because it tasted so bad. I would just like to eat like normal people do and not have to worry,I have a friend who is who eats all the time and she recently gained 10 pds and was not worried abut it at all,her response was well I guess I am going to have to get my size sevens out.I just looked at her and thought I would think my world was coming to a end if that was me.Again thank you ladies for responding to me.I will definatley keep you updated.And please do the same I would love to know how it is going for you also!!!

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