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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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Is there really such a thing as recovery? I need to know, is there anyone here who has been able to get past an eating disorder feeling secure and confident with themselves? Ugh... watch out... I really need to complain, so I'm going to ramble. Probably a lot. If you don't want to pay attention, now is your chance not to read it. Don't say I didn't warn you ;)

Bleh. I don't know what the heck I'm going to do with myself. I don't know how to get help, or if I even can get help. I don't even know if I have an eating disorder anymore or what. It must look to everyone like I'm all better. I know that when I went to an ED specialist while I was still around 40lbs underweight the doctor pretty much told me I was too heavy to be anorexic (well... she didn't say it like that, but she made reference to "real anorexics" being 2in taller and 10lbs lighter than myself). Of course going see an ED specialist did nothing for me at all at the time, because I was forced into it and wasn't honest about anything anyway, so she diagnosed me with depression and I didn't go back. Now I don't know how I'm ever going to get past this. Or if it's even possible. When I reached the point that I was so thin and weak that I didn't have the strength to get out of bed some days, it pretty much scared me into eating more, so I gained a lot of weight. For the past 3 years or so, I have maintained a "healthy" weight (right around where all those medical charts say my ideal weight should be), and physically I've doing great. So... problem solved? God, no. No! I can keep myself alive this way, but how will I ever manage to keep myself sane?

I normally feel as though I am completely in control of what I'm eating. I have to feel that way. Anything else is horrible beyond all comparison. Which makes being pregnant like I am right now absolutely terrifying. There are times when I simply can not control how much I eat. I just can't. I'm like a ravenous beast until I'm uncomfortably full. It's horrible. I know that's completely normal for a pregnant woman, but I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with it. Even if I haven't eaten a huge amount of food, I still feel obscenely guilty just for eating more than I had planned to. The other day I spent 45 minutes in the bathroom trying to make myself throw up and then completely breaking down when I couldn't do it. I'm such an idiot for even trying, and I can't believe how selfish and stupid I'm being. Blah. I hope I'm going to be able to make a better mother than that. This is just pathetic.

Anyway, under normal circumstances the only thing that keeps me maintaining a weight that I'm really not comfortable with is keeping in mind how quickly weightloss can get out of control, how scary it is to be too weak to move, and that even when I was thin, I was an emmotional wreck and never really comfortable with myself. But arggg... at least I didn't feel completely humiliated by my body. Sometimes I see pictures of myself from a few years ago when I was smaller, and I wish I was back there. I always wonder if maybe I'd be able to lose a little bit of weight, just not too much, and maintain that weight... I wonder if then I'd be comfortable with the way I look. Maybe then I'd be able to wear the form fitting, slightly revealing clothes that everyone else does. For years I haven't been able to bring myself to wear anything that shows too much of my arms or my legs. If I try to force myself to wear something like that, I spend the whole day thinking about how fat I look, and I simply can't take it. I always see other women of all different shapes and sizes wearing clothes that fit properly accentuate their features, and they always look so beautiful. It makes me so freaking jealous. Thinking about the way I would feel in those clothes makes me break down crying. And now after the baby is born my body is probably going to look even worse, and I'll wish that I dressed nicely while I had the chance.

Ugh. OK. I'm done being a whiney brat for now. I know how completely ridiculous I must sound because I don't even have any real problems and I yet I seem determined to keep myself miserable. Think I'll ever figure out how to stop? Thanks so much to everyone for listening.

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