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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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The thing is when i started posting on this board i was a bmi of 18.5 I think. I felt fat and ugly. Now I have lost a lot of weight according to my scales but I can't see much difference. I still feel fat. Rather disturbingly my new way of trying to calculate if I am thin enough is to count how many bones I can see. Freaky or what! My husband told me I looked vile the other day which was SO NICE! He thought I was holding my stomach in at the time and was telling me not to. So I laughed and said how silly of me and then went and cried on my own.
I don't look any better. I still look disgusting, but now I have realised that there is no way my colleagues and friends cannot see what is happening. It is making me so paranoid because I feel like they are all talking about me. This is especially at work because we all trained in the same line of work and they must know just by looking at me.
It is all so crazy, I don't want to give it up. I like being hungry, I like losing weight. But if I don't do something I am gonna ruin my chances of having kids, maybe I already have. And I will die if I don't stop soon. Why does this not scare me more? :confused:

Don't discount how serious your bulimia is. You know you can still die from it even if you are in the 'healthy' weight range. It is very bad for your heart. And you are likely to end up with electrolyte imbalances which can damage each and every one of your vital organs.
If your doctor is too stupid to realise how important it is to get you help, then I don't understand why he bothered studying medicine. Ooh aren't I being evil today!

So if your name isn't Esmerelda then I wonder what it is......
I still would put my money on one of the names I said. But don't worry I understand you want anonymity Esmerelda dearest! Ha!

What dancing is it you are doing tonight? When I was a kid I tried ballet for a bit but I was never good at that or at modern. I was too much of a tomboy, hanging from treetops and doing karate. But I have always been musical. I have always been fascinated with the idea of getting into drama. But in truth I am not a performer. The only thing I wanted to do was ride in the olympics for Britain, but it never happened! And now I have messed myself up so I dont have the energy to ride at all. Or do anything much apart from come on my computer!

Hows the driving lessons going? I was so happy when I passed my test. I love driving with my stereo turned up real loud. I am not driving much at the moment because I don't want to risk passing out at the wheel.

Having an eating disorder seriously messes with your fun doesn't it? I just realised it is robbing me of even the things I love the most. So why do I so badly want to keep it?

I am concerned that you are so upset at the moment. Are you getting counselling still? I am sure that what is making you so tired and tearful must be all of the unchecked emotions. Do you want to talk about anything honey? I am always here if you need to let anything out. Ok?

Hope you enjoyed prancing around in a leotard tonight!
Take care
A xoxoxo

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