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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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The thing is when i started posting on this board i was a bmi of 18.5 I think. I felt fat and ugly. Now I have lost a lot of weight according to my scales but I can't see much difference. I still feel fat. Rather disturbingly my new way of trying to calculate if I am thin enough is to count how many bones I can see. Freaky or what! My husband told me I looked vile the other day which was SO NICE! He thought I was holding my stomach in at the time and was telling me not to. So I laughed and said how silly of me and then went and cried on my own.
I don't look any better. I still look disgusting, but now I have realised that there is no way my colleagues and friends cannot see what is happening. It is making me so paranoid because I feel like they are all talking about me. This is especially at work because we all trained in the same line of work and they must know just by looking at me.
It is all so crazy, I don't want to give it up. I like being hungry, I like losing weight. But if I don't do something I am gonna ruin my chances of having kids, maybe I already have. And I will die if I don't stop soon. Why does this not scare me more? :confused:

Don't discount how serious your bulimia is. You know you can still die from it even if you are in the 'healthy' weight range. It is very bad for your heart. And you are likely to end up with electrolyte imbalances which can damage each and every one of your vital organs.
If your doctor is too stupid to realise how important it is to get you help, then I don't understand why he bothered studying medicine. Ooh aren't I being evil today!

So if your name isn't Esmerelda then I wonder what it is......
I still would put my money on one of the names I said. But don't worry I understand you want anonymity Esmerelda dearest! Ha!

What dancing is it you are doing tonight? When I was a kid I tried ballet for a bit but I was never good at that or at modern. I was too much of a tomboy, hanging from treetops and doing karate. But I have always been musical. I have always been fascinated with the idea of getting into drama. But in truth I am not a performer. The only thing I wanted to do was ride in the olympics for Britain, but it never happened! And now I have messed myself up so I dont have the energy to ride at all. Or do anything much apart from come on my computer!

Hows the driving lessons going? I was so happy when I passed my test. I love driving with my stereo turned up real loud. I am not driving much at the moment because I don't want to risk passing out at the wheel.

Having an eating disorder seriously messes with your fun doesn't it? I just realised it is robbing me of even the things I love the most. So why do I so badly want to keep it?

I am concerned that you are so upset at the moment. Are you getting counselling still? I am sure that what is making you so tired and tearful must be all of the unchecked emotions. Do you want to talk about anything honey? I am always here if you need to let anything out. Ok?

Hope you enjoyed prancing around in a leotard tonight!
Take care
A xoxoxo
My doctors appointment was ok. Still alive - I could have told them that! Anyway the doctor asked me to list what I have eaten since Monday so I have been keeping a food diary. So I showed her the list I kept (which happened to include my running tally on cals and fat totals in the margin) and she was like 'H this is not enough food. Since Monday you have not even eaten half a days calories in total in three days' . She said it like it was a bad thing but to me it fantastic, I felt like I had been given a big pat on the back. So then she did some checks on my heart and stuff again and I go back Monday again.
And then I completely let myself down by buying a choolate bar and eating at least half before I got the will to throw it away. Urgh how crap is that? It was at least 150 calories worth that I ate. So disappointed in myself still. But I didn't purge it because I know that it is adding extra strain on my heart if I do and it could be dangerous at the moment. Bleugh! Wish I had a food buddy who could stop me doing stupid things like that!

Emsie I am glad you booked a counselling appointment. Let me know how it goes. We can all get our heads sorted out now! Lol :D

You know I had to resit a module in Chemistry when I did my A-levels. I still stand by the fact that A-levels are the most stressful time of your education. They were for me ten times worse than university, and that was hard! I personally don't like the modular way because you have to be consistently doing revision every week and that is too much stress I feel. Don't worry though it is your ability to perform that will ensure you get your dreams. I am sorry though because I know how gutted I was when I did badly, I felt awful. If I sit and think of that time I still feel bad, thats how much the education system can mess you up. You wondered why you should be feeling bad? Try the stress of A-levels! I honestly am scared for any future children we might have because I don't want them to suffer the immense stress of it all.

Thats presuming that I can still have kids! They are gonna give me some hormone therapy soon I think because when I told them that I had gone through cycles of binge/purge and starvation since I was 14 and had never had a full year of periods they became concerned that I may have ruined my bones and my fertility. Oh happy days, not.

Nics I have a question. You have suffered with eds for a long time. Why after all this time have I suddenly got really anorexic? Much worse than ever before. Is it just practice makes perfect or what? Do you feel you have gotten a lot worse than ever before too? Or is it just me? :confused:

Anyway I think I am gonna go to work later. I will join the late shift and see what happens. Wonder what everyone will say? Scary. Whats the bet I lie about whats happened. I don't like to lie, but sometimes I just can't share the truth with people. Do you get that too guys?

Well I hope you are ok. Love you to pieces, both of you. Wish I could give you both a big hug, heres an online one though :) ((((((((((EM-H-NIC))))))))))) It is a group hug!
Are you impressed?!

H xoxoxo :bouncing:
Hi you two lovelies
Sorry havent been posting. I was working yesterday also and i never got home till about 6.30. i live about 25 miles from my work and have to get two buses. Ive just been working so much this week and im feeling really exhausted. I have the same next week also. i was so scared yesterday.I broke out of my pose in class and i really thought i would collapse. I felt so week and i think my heart was doing something weird. Do you two get that,slow heartbeat, then fast, normal, etc.
H, i didnt know you could have a heart attack by starving for days and then overeating. I do this all the time. I was overeating yesterday infact. do you think that was why i felt so weak?Scary!
And yes i get the cold thing constantly especially when im posing.The rooms apparently far too hot, yet im shaking with cold!
I cant answer why youve become anorexic H but whatever triggered your ED back when you were 14 is probably the reason behind why you rely on it so much to cope.Im so proud of you for finally geting some help.I so much want us all to get better.
E are you still feeling really exhausted?H is right about the b/p thing though. i always notice my cravings get alot worse when ive done this.Its almost unbearable isnt it?Sounds to me like you maybe need to take some time out from studying.A years gonna make no difference.Its your health that will suffer at the end of the day.What do you think?
Anyway im off down the shore to get my friend a birthday pressie. tomorrow we're taking the kids swimming which i hate.The whole package really. I cant swim and dont really like water and im stressing out big style about wearing a costume. i just feel so fat!
Love to you both so much
Hey girlies

How are you both? H, I am so sorry that you got a crappy doctor this time. It must have been so disheatening after having such a lovely doctor previously to end up with such an a**hole this time. When you next have to go back will you be able to see a different doctor? Why do you keep having to see locums by the way? When will your regular doctor be back? What are they like? Sorry for the 50 questions there!

I am ok. Alive :p It was nice to see my friend thanks. I am just so completely exhausted - it seems to be getting worse. I am just falling asleep the whole time, and I just feel so weak all the time. I am not feeling too great at the moment really. I have got back into one of my negative patches where I don't care because I just feel crap and out of control and fat and horrible. Hopefully it will just pass though.

You two are both worrying me! What with H fainting all over the place but still trying to go to work and Nik needing blood tests and having heart palpitations, I feel like I am absolutely fine in comparison! H, please please take some time off work. I don't want to offend you, but surely you can't be doing your job very well because you are so ill, and I am sure that everyone would think it would benefit you much more to just recover a bit before you try to work. And Nik is right - you must must drink. You know that, probably better than either of us do. Without water you will die. Without food you will die too, but water is even more important!

I am sorry you didn't get on too well with your therapist today Nik. It was probably just one of those days though, I think everyone has them. I sometimes feel like I really need to talk to somebody, but other days I desperately don't want to. And I am sure you are the same. I hope you get on ok at the doctors. And you are not being selfish by worrying about how you are going to cope with eating. I know that I worry about it a lot, and then just feel so guilty for feeling bad and needing doctors and stuff when what I am doing is self-inflicted. There is nobody making me do it apart from myself, and that makes me feel really ashamed and guilty.

I hope you are both ok, please take care
Loads of love
Emily xXx :angel:
Stuff went wrong. Like they gave me some food that I knew wasn't vegetarian, I knew that it had red food colouring in it (it was that battenburg cake stuff) which contains cochineal. Thats not veggie friendly. So I refused point blank to even touch it with my finger. I am a majorly strict veggie girl.
So I explained why I wasn't gonna eat it and they said that I' have to drink that replacement gunk instead. So I said that I wouldn't because I had eaten the dinner, just not the afters. They said if you don't eat it all you have to drink the gunk. I said that if necessary I would do it, even though it blatantly wasn't fair! But I wanted to read the ingredients before I'd touch it because I couldn't trust them that it was vegetarian. They said that I was obviously trying to find out the calorie content or something. I was like, blatantly not the case, I just need to check if I am allowed to have it or not. And basically it all got out of hand. I refused to have anything else because I couldn't trust them. So then I got asked to accompany one of the nurses to a private area to discuss it without the whole group listening.
She was so dismissive of it. She told me that it was the oldest trick in the book claiming to have a dietary requirement to deny food. And I said that in my case I have been a strict vegetarian for nearly ten years. That I don't even wear leather shoes or anything that involved killing an animal. And she just smirked at me and said yes thats right nearly ten years, thats almost the exact amount of time since you first started to have issues with eating isn't it. I said yes, but this is nothing to do with it.
Basically they think I am just pretending. But seriously I would rather eat my own arm than an animal!!!!!!!!!!!
Then they said I am not going to be allowed to stay with the programme if I keep making a fuss like that, that I am a special allowance and if I have that much of a problem I should just go inpatient.
I feel awful, and fat, and miserable, and unjustly accused, and.....bleurgh!
But I still love you guys to pieces :)
H xoxoxox

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