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Ok. Helen? Hayley? Heather? Heidi? Hilary?
I am going to guess this!

Of course I need to worry about you. You are anorexic. Your body is at a very dangerously low weight. You started to plan your own suicide. You are not getting any help for it. Sounds like a few reasons for worrying there?! And I will be worrying whatever you say! I also worry about Nikkita. At least we are all here for each other. I am ok really though, don't worry too much about me. I am not at a dangerous weight, I am not sick after everything I eat, I don't even binge too seriously. I have never binged thousands of calories at a time. A few squares of chocolate, or some sweets will be enough sometimes. Admittedly it is often more than that, but never enormous amounts. And strangly enough most of the time it is not much more than I was eating before this started. The only difference is now I am purging afterwards. So anyway, don't worry about me too much, both of you are much more concerning than I am!

I have had quite a strange couple of days really. Today in tutorial we were talking about stress. My tutor (William) had stuck these 5 headings up on the board (Family, Work, College, Health and Other) and we were meant to talk in little groups about what stresses us and what we could do about it. Loads of people laughed when he stuck health up there, and started joking about getting stressed over a cold etc. And that made me feel a bit weird, because I spend so much time thinking about my problems with food and depression etc. And I also didn't really know what to say for what stresses me, because I wasn't about to announce to my tutor group that I have an ED or depression, and I wasn't going to say that I hate my figure, I feel rubbish at everything and nothing makes me happy. So I just felt a bit awkward, and it made me feel a bit upset really. So that was quite strange. And then yesterday I was on the bus home from college talking with a friend who has recently gone on a diet. And anyway, so we got talking about diets etc, and I was saying that I don't really agree with diets like Atkins etc, and that I think it is better just to eat healthily, but maybe a little less than normal (bit hypocritical I know!). But anyway, she said something to me about me being the perfect example of healthy eating at the moment, and I am so healthy and it is really impressive. And I just didn't know what to say at all, so I just sort of tried to smile, but feeling awful. And then she said how I used to want chocolate all the time, and say I had a real craving and needed it, and now I don't have it and that's so good. But she doesn't know that I still eat chocolate whenever I am alone and then just make myself sick after. Anyway, so that was also a bit weird, and made me feel a bit uncomfortable. I just feel like such a hyprocrite, and that I am living a lie at the moment. Later on I went to see William just to explain that I was quite stressed and am on ADs and stuff, because I so nearly got really upset in tutorial I thought he should be aware that there were some things going on. And he said how he always thinks of me as being really bubbly and happy and lively. And everyone thinks that. And now I feel like it is just an act I have to keep up because I really can't go around acting how I feel. Several people have asked me this week if I am ok, and I don't seem very happy, and said that I don't look well or that I look exhausted. And so now I feel that I am letting it slip, and I hate people asking me that sort of thing because it just makes me feel like everyone must know what I am doing. I don't know, I am just a bit confused right now.

I have still not heard anything about being referred to a specialist. I don't know why i am being so impatient because I don't even know if I want to go. I just know that I am not going to be able to carry on like this too much longer, I think I will end up snapping soon. In one way I want help so I can stop feeling like this, but I still want to lose weight so so badly, and I don't seem to be at all, so I keep wondering what meals I can cut out without people getting suspicious, or how I can make myself sick after more meals etc. All this is just completely taking over my thoughts. Even if I manage to do what I am meant to do in the way of classes and stuff, I never give it my full attention because I am always thinking about how bad I feel and ED stuff as well. And I am certainly not improving at anything because I never practice at home like I should, so then I get a lot of criticism, and I can't really cope with it very well at the moment. So it's all just a bit of a mess really. And I just feel so selfish and inconsiderate for going on to people about things, when I have nothing to be stressed about. It isn't like I have had a really traumatic life or anything, I have just suddenly ended up getting depression and an ED. And I feel like I should be coping with it better, and not letting it take over like this. Anyway, sorry for going on so much.

How are you feeling? Have you booked a doctors appointment yet? Please please do. Again I am being selfish, but I really do need you here! I see what you mean about paracetamol not being the best way to go. I didn't realise that it was so easy to save people from it, and I also didn't know it was nearly that slow. Oh, and you never bore me so you just type as much as you like!

Loads and loads of love
Emily
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Oh H, i only just saw your post you got in before mine. I am so sorry that you are feeling so awful, but you must know deep down how many people care about you. You have your friends and family, including your husband who all love you dearly, and all of us on here care about you so much - I know I do anyway! It is so hard to keep going when you feel so terrible, I know what you mean, so much of the time I just want to give up and stop living, but it will get better for you, it really will. How are you feeling today?

Nik, no I haven't had any blood tests (thank goodness!). I hate injections! I am glad you have a day off work, and hope you have had a chance to relax. I have had a terrible couple of days - have just felt completely awful. I weighed myself last night, and somehow in 10 days I had managed to put on 5 pounds, which made me completely panic and freak out. I just hated myself so much for letting myself eat and put on weight. I ended up cutting myself, on my ankle, which I have never done before. I felt like I deserved to be in pain, and I still think that really. Weighed again this morning and it was the same weight as last night, so that really upset me and I re-cut along the cut that I had done last night. I don't know why I have started doing that, it just feels like I way to make myself feel better because it is like I have punished myself. I now just desperately feel like b/ping which I will probably go and do, even though I know I shouldn't. It is just so frustrating - I haven't been eating as well the last week or so, but I haven't been eating as badly as I used to, and I never put any weight on then, and I have also done a lot of exercise, I did an hour more last week than I usually do, and have already done 3 hours this week and more tonight. So I don't see how I can keep putting on weight. And it just makes me feel more and more depressed and then I want to b/p more, and then I feel guilty for doing it, and I am just in a permanent exhausted, bad mood. Oh well, that's enough of me whining.

Hope you are both feeling a bit better
Loads of love
Emily xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hey girlies

How are you both doing? H, I am sorry that you had a difficult time yesterday, but it is a good thing that you were not able to purge as it would just have put even more strain on your heart. I know how horrible it feels though, when you are just desperate to get rid of something and you just can't think of a way. Stupid friends and family, why won't they just leave you alone?!

I know that I am not doing too well with things at the moment, but I don't know how, or don't really want, to stop. I don't really know which it is. If somebody told me now that I would never be able to purge again I would be absolutely terrified, and I would hate it, but then some days I just want to stop so much and I get frustrated because I don't know how. But most of the time the thought of stopping just scares me.

Nik, I hope you get on ok this week. Please don't worry about the food too much - although I know it is easier said than done! I have heard very mixed things about St John's Wart, but see what your doctor says about it. My ADs still seem to be doing nothing at all. Stupid Cipramil. If there is nothing in these blood tests to show why I am so tired I think he said he would change my medication in case that has something to do with it. So we'll see. It would be nice if he switched it to something that worked for me.

Nik, why do you have to pay for your counselling? Were you not referred to an NHS counsellor by your doctor? That is bad. I suppose I am quite lucky being able to get it through college really. Not sure what I will do when I leave, which isn't long away now.

H, you seem to be getting very good at avoiding answering questions. What are you going to do about work? Do you realistically think you are just going to be able to carry on working or not? Also, I know it is hard, but try reading your own posts objectively and try and take some of your own advice. I made butterfly cakes today! I am getting quite into this baking lark! I wish that as soon as I had made them I didn't eat loads and loads though. You would think 1 or 2 would be enough but nooooo!

I am just getting constantly more and more behind with my college work. I have to do my history individual assignment in 3 weeks, which is basically when you have 3 hours to write up the answer to a question you have chosen and researched. We are meant to do loads of drafts and stuff first to show our teachers so we can get help, but I haven't even really started the research yet. It is a shame really, because history is the only subject I did well at last year, and I am just going to do so badly this year. I also have 2 overdue english essays, a history essay (also overdue), and an english essay due in tomorrow which isn't done. I feel really guilty because the essay due in tomorrow and one of the others were both set by the teacher I have talked to a lot, and I don't want her to think I am trying to take advantage, because I am not. I just can't focus enough to write an essay at the moment. But I feel really bad about her essays - I don't care about the others! Oh well, I am not going to start it now. I will just have to cope with the guilt and evil looks I will get!!!

Nik, I hope you get on ok this week

Lots of love
Emily xXx
H, I feel so terrible for you. I wish that this hadn't had to happen, but as it has you really need to try and make the best of it and use this time to recover. So how long are you likely to be signed off for? What will you have to do to get back to work? I don't think that crying when you were told you had been signed off makes you seem stupid at all.

Please don't just sit around the house and let yourself get worse in this time. Try and get some help. There must be some form of out patient program around you that you could try. Why don't you speak to your doctor and say that you are worried that all this time at home by yourself is just going to make everything worse, and ask what they can suggest bearing in mind you don't want to go IP.

I am going to call up and get my results from the blood he stole now. I would be willing to bet a fairly large amount of money that there won't be anything wrong though. It is probably just something to do with the anti-depressants.

Ah well, speak to you later. Please don't do loads of exercise, and try and eat, although I know that's easier said than done

Lots of love
Emily xXx
Oh H, that was not the response I was hoping for. I am sure that IP really isn't that bad. The majority of people there would have felt exactly how you do about going. And the staff are used to people not wanting to eat, and being on minimal food before they go. I am just so worried about you, I really wish you were getting more help.

I broke up from college for Easter today, and have 2 weeks off. I have a dance class on monday, and then that's it for 3 weeks. So I do have a couple of hours. Mind you, in order to pass my history A level I need to spend the whole time working on my individual assignment, but that won't happen. I wish I didn't have any work to do, but our individual assignment is a third of our grade, and we have to do it the week we go back.

I cut myself a little while ago. I never really bleed when I cut though, however deep it seems to go! But I never bleed more than a few drops, which I do find infuriating. Perhaps because I always do it around my ankles, because I would be too worried that somebody would see on my wrists. Maybe the skin is tougher or something. Or maybe our knives are all blunt! Anyway, my left foot and ankle now feels all tingly, but I don't really know why because it literally did bleed the smallest amount you have ever seen.

I don't know why, but I am not having a good evening. Have been sick 3 or 4 times, now have cut myself. Maybe it's because its the holiday. And I know that sounds bizarre, but it is almost like I am safe at college. I just keep remembering how awful half term was, when I just wanted to die the whole time, and I am scared of having 2 weeks of that as I don't know how I will cope. I am also being so slack with what I eat. At least before I was eating very healthily the majority of the time, so was losing a couple of pounds a week. Now I just seem to have lost my restraint, so I am eating more crap, although not as much as I used to eat, which means that I either stay the same weight/put on weight, which I really can't cope with, because it is then I either b/p, or cut myself. I wish there was a simpler way!

And you said I need more help than I am getting, but I am getting as much help as you are. So if I need more, then just think how much more you need. I don't really know what would help me at the moment at all. Nothing that I can think of. I just want to be able to ignore everything and not have to worry. Shame life isn't that simple huh?!

Lots of love
Emily xXx
Hi girlies
I'm back!We got back on Friday night but i have been so busy sorting things out at home i guess this is the first chance ive really had!
Well it was quite sad when we were down there. ive never had to face a dying relative before and i found the whole thing just so sad.Being told by someone who is dying that they just want to go and have had enough is really heart breaking.Its really effected me, i think in a positive way though.
I just feel life is just too short to waste on an ED,when i saw how weak ellenor was, and the hopelessness in her face i wanted to break my heart, i felt so selfish for what i am doing to myself and this lady doesnt have a choice.
so ive been forcing myself to eat a little more and every time i panick i think about Ellenor and how she doesnt have a choice and that every day should be precious because were only here a short while and why spend it miserable?Im not saying it will be easy,im sure there will be many bumps in the long road but i think im ready to give it a go. Ive wasted nearly 16 years on EDs and its so sad just to see your life disappearing before you.This whole thing has really touched my heart and someone is telling me to act on that.
Anyway sounds like you guys have had it tough the last few days but you both need to fight this monster. Imagine getting out of bed ,looking out the window and actually looking forward to the day ahead,and embracing it with open arms. wouldnt that be so cool?Weve been in our black holes for long enough, its time to try and climb out and reach for air again.
Its taken a dreadfully sad situation for me to take heed of myself and i really think i can do this atleast in memory of my mother in law.
we'll be going down again soon. I just couldnt leave it the way it was Friday.it seems so final.
So what have you guys got planned for the week then?You both seem to be trying so hard and im really proud of you. It takes guts. we can all do this though.Keep trying.
well im off now,not even dressed yet, and kids have swimming class soon.
Write soon
Loads of love
Nikxxxxxx
Ok I will tell you what to do. You need to get yourself a 'buddy' and I sure wish I could be your buddy but its a bit impossible, so pick your most trustworthy friend. They have to understand that you are going to need them at any time of day or night and they can't take you or leave you when the mood takes them. Then your buddy system works as follows:-
You eat normally and don't purge. When you want to do something you know is wrong you call them and they don't stop talking to you until you are talked out of it. Or they come round and give you a slap (hehehehe), or arrange to meet you right then so you have no chance to b/p.
Your buddy has to understand what a serious role they play in your life. Thats why I wish we could all be together for a while and buddy each other. We all know how serious our problems are and won't let it slide.
Also you keep going to counselling and then you o to your therapy appointments when they finally come round. And then with time you will find it less urgent and you will slip up less. And then hopefully one day you will be here talking as one of the 'recovered' girls and urging everyone to follow your shiny example. :D
Love H xoxo
[QUOTE=Aurora]Thanks Bri,
I am sure my kidney will pick itself up and get back to normal soon. Its probably just so used to being dehydrated that it just cannot process the extra liquid now.
Hows things going for you? Are you sticking to your meal plan? I hope you are ok and not stressing about your weight too much.
H xoxo[/QUOTE]


Well you must keep yourself well H! As I said to Emily, you two have got to teach me knoughts and crosses! I said I was going to bed, but just stared at the ceiling for hours :rolleyes: . I wish it was daytime and I could go outside and lay in a field and stare at the clouds. Did you guys ever used to that and attempt to point out animals and objects? I was actually a pretty creative kid, and once I even saw a hippopotamus chasing a butterfly :eek: , I think I was somewhat dillusional that day! Anyhow, no I haven't been sticking to the meal plan. Well, I take that back. I HAD been sticking to the meal plan up until a few days ago, but mostly because I was being watched like a hawk and constantly questioned about what I had eaten every hour. I have become a liar to my bf, his family, and my family and I am ashamed. But, I just can't seem to snap out of it. My family doesn't know a thing about my ED. I have been making up excuses for the past year of why I can't participate in social "eating" events with them, and it seems to work since I do not see them 24/7 because I am away at school. But, I see my bf and his family quite often, and they make sure I have been maintaining a 1500-2500 calorie diet. Which I have hated every minute of, although I must admit it was worse in the beginning as I felt like throwing up every hour..and that feeling has passed somewhat over time. I was up to 98, but have been telling them that I weigh in at 102, and even went so low as to telling my bf that I have been experiencing "cramps" and think it might be the onset of my period coming back. :rolleyes: I really am a horrible person. I just don't want them to worry, and I can't deal with all of this weight gain. But, in my crazy mind I have rejoiced over the 2 lb loss I have achieved in the last two days, and the urge to restrict is coming back at full force. Honestly though, it is my body and if others are allowed to diet and lose weight, why is it not okay for me? I just don't always understand what is wrong with the way I choose to do things. But, I do know that I don't want to hurt other people...so I guess at some point I will have to make a choice. As for the friend going away situation, I tried to simply explain to her about my fears and she blew up at me :( She thought it was ridiculous that I can not eat in front of others, and said the only reason she apologized was because she thought my stupidity would have passed by now. I feel terrible. She never deserved to be dragged into this situation, and it is my stupidity that is keeping us from being friends. Maybe if I lose a few more pounds this week it will get better, other than that it's not going too great. But, some good news for a change is that I saw the cutest, sweetest, most adorable puppy in the world today! My mood changed from depression to a whirl wind of happiness! Oh it was so adorable H, I wish you could have seen it! Unfortunatly, I didn't have the money for it, and I have to wait a few more months until I move to my own place *sigh*. What kind of dogs/animals does everyone else have? Ohhh I just can't wait to bring one home with me!

Now, enough about me. I am always complaining, I am so sorry guys! How are you all doing? Did they stick any needles in you or make you do any tests in the hospital H? I remember when I went in they tried to stick a catheter (sp?) in me :eek: , oh no, never again. Hopefully they did not try to attack you with that thing! How are things going with the center? How has Lydia been towards you lately? And how about Will? Hopefully he is doing better!

I just wish so much that you all lived right down the street from me! It would be nice to be able to talk to each other in person, rather than on the net all of the time. Though, everyone still entertains me and comforts me so much on here :)

xoxo
Bri





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