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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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Hiya Derrick,
I wanted to say you are coping really well. It is hard being in love with someone who splits their time between you and their ed. All you can do is to keep letting her know how special she is. And never get into the trap of commenting on any weight loss or gain. My husband is yet to learn how not to do this. I am anorexic and the other day he told me in a shocked voice that I was starting to look vile and skeletal and while he no way meant it for a compliment the anorexic part took it as such and then I also cried for hours because I thought he didn't love me any more. So you see how confusing any comment about weight can be.
It is also good for you to talk to someone. I have been grossly unfair to my husband and told him he mustn't talk about my ed with anyone. But the reality is that people need to talk. The reason I don't tell my partner about the depths I have sunk to in order to lose weight is because I am ashamed. I feel so disgusting knowing what I do, fasting, purging, diet pills, etc. He only knows the half of it and he finds that disturbing enough. But its also a protective mechanism, I really don't want him to hurt about this stuff. Maybe thats part of the reason your wife is not talking to you much about it.
Also, maybe she feels a little regret for letting people know. While she may appreciate the fact that she needs help, there will still be a part that longs to keep her bulimia. It is what she knows best, and it is very hard to let that go. It is her security blanket, and although she knows this particular blanket is gonna suffocate her, it doesn't stop her wanting it. By letting you know of her bulimia she has instantly made her ed life very difficult unless you are out or something. This is very difficult to deal with. Once I told my husband about my anorexia I knew I had lost my ability to pretend I was too stressed/sick/tired/upset/etc to eat. Or the ability to pretend I ate on the way home, or any of my other favourite excuses. Part of me regrets telling him because now its so much harder to get away with it.
The smoking is probably a displacement, many people trade addictions for a while. Some go from bulimia to anorexia, or start to self harm. Some turn to drugs, or alcohol, or smoking. Its all an attempt to control the feelings.
I wish you the very best of luck, both of you.
Hugs from Aurora xoxo :wave:

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