Last night on the way home, I took Margie’s advice and bought some ashtrays. I also bought a pack of cigarettes for her, the brand I saw in her purse.
I got home. She sees the stuff and asks what it’s about. I tell her I know she smokes. She tells me she doesn’t want to talk about it. I tell her that I do want to talk about it, and that I’m not mad, and its OK, but we still need to talk.
She just breaks down completely and is all tears and sobs and telling me how sorry she is and what an awful person she is and how she tried to quit but she couldn’t do it. She told me that it was keeping her from eating too much and when she went too long without smoking, she wanted to eat every thing in sight.
I knew this was a big deal when I first posted about it. I could just tell from her reaction that something about it was really bothering her.
She has so much guilt over this. And it runs so deep. It’s about food and its about not purging but I swear it has a lot to do with the way she feels about her self.
She told me stories about when she was a little girl and about how she thought smoking was so feminine and sexy, sophisticated and attractive. But it was also a bad girl thing, so she didn’t do it. She kept talking about all the actresses and models that look so thin and glamorous and how they all smoke and how beautiful they are.
She told me she always wanted to smoke when she was a little girl like the actresses and the models. She wanted to be glamorous like them but she didn’t because she wanted to be a good girl, but the temptation and the desire were too much so she tried and she liked it.
This happened when she was 14. She was a little pudgy, but the weight started coming off with the smoking. She said she was feeling good about her self. She said she felt beautiful. But she hid it because her parents would have a fit. I guess her weight issues go back a long time.
Hey, her parents caught her. She was right. They had a fit and a whole lot more. They said things to her that no parent should ever say to their child. They made her feel like ****. But they saved her from smoking.
She started in shame and she quit in shame. She gained weight. She dieted. She purged. She hid it all, but by God she didn’t smoke for her parents. And she didn’t smoke for me.
She honestly doesn’t believe she’s attractive to me. This is so messed up if I’m understanding her right and I know I am because I listened to her. Its like the double edged sword I was talking about where she feels damned if she does and damned if she doesn’t.
She said she’s beautiful when she smokes but she’s ugly to me. And she doesn’t want to smoke because she loves me and she doesn’t want me to live in her “stink”. It doesn’t stink to me and I told her that. Nothing she does could ever “stink” to me. Every thing she is looks beautiful to me.
She smoked in front of me last night but only because I insisted. She’s convinced I think she’s ugly when she smokes and it turns me off. She thinks I’ll die from her second hand smoke (give me a break). She thinks all her family and friends will hate her if they find out.
I’m not a psychiatrist or an expert on ED, but I know my wife and I know me.
This to me is both a physical and a mental issue. Hey, my wife started smoking again because she honestly wants to quit overeating and purging. It helps her cope with the bulimia and apparently it works for her. Oh no. She’s addicted to them. So what? She’s addicted to something that may or may not kill her. But one thing is certain, bulimia will kill her if she can’t control it.
Its mental because she’s carrying around messed up thinking from her youth. And oh yeah, her well meaning parents really contributed to that. But she loves them, and she doesn’t want to break their hearts by letting them know she smokes. She’d rather them bury a “good” non-smoking daughter than learn to accept her as bulimic that smokes and has her ED in check.
It’s mental because smoking was sexy in her youthful mind but evil and disgusting in her adult bulimic mind- even if it helps her.
She wants to be attractive to me (she is!). I can’t convince her that smoking in no way makes her unattractive to me.
I can’t say her body looks good because that’s not appropriate. So why can’t I tell her what she wanted to hear in her youth. Hey Honey, you look great when you smoke. It turns me on. Wouldn’t that help her self-esteem? Hey, she’s going to do it any way. I don’t want her to feel guilty about it. That can’t help things.
But how can I get her to believe me and feel good about her self. She has agreed to smoke in the house and in front of me because she admits she’s addicted and can’t quit and because it helps her cope with food. But she won’t agree to feel good about it or believe I can be attracted to her if she smokes.
I haven’t kissed her since yesterday morning and its not because I don’t want to. She won’t let me. She thinks I’ll be disgusted by her smoky breath.
This is what I want and how I feel. I genuinely want her to smoke because it helps her physically. I want her to smoke because I love her and I accept her and I get a very strong feeling she’s not going to quit (and she doesn’t have to- not for me). Yes, its weird seeing her smoke. I’m not used to it. She seems like a different person to me. But I don’t think its bad. Heck, in some ways its kind of cool, because I’m seeing a part of what is probably her real self, the person she wanted to be before her parents made her ashamed of that person. I’ve never kissed a real smoker. I don’t know what I’m going to think if she ever lets me kiss her again. But how bad can it be? Maybe I’ll even like it. Regardless, I’ll get used to it.
I can’t help but think this is a huge opportunity to feel good about her self, the way she thinks about her self, and it will help her cope with ED at the same time. I’m not immune to romance. I’ve seen movies where a couple makes love and has a cigarette. Just because I don’t smoke doesn’t mean I can’t see the romance in it. I just don’t know how to how to convince her that I want this and its OK for her to want this too and that it’s a good thing.
This is the one time I’ve ever felt I was in a position to do something positive for her instead of hanging on the sidelines and cheering her on. I don’t want to waste this chance.
Thanks,
Derrick
Hey,
I’m very overwhelmed right now, with what has happened with my relationship with my wife and how its progressing and with many of the things you ladies have said.
Dance4 said I seemed frustrated. I am and its not with her or not with me. The ED, our life together with the ED, is like a huge stone. And I want to help her push against it and make it budge. Its very frustrating trying to make that stone move.
There’s a lot of good news here and I should focus on it. That stone is big but its not falling on us. My wife is doing great with her program. She hasn’t relapsed. She’s very determined.
Margie, don’t worry about my taking your advice and going forward on the smoking issue. Its been awkward for both of us, but it’s the right thing to do. Its not bliss at this point, but its helping her cope physically, and it’s a relief to her mentally that its not a secret. Its good for me to be able to do something proactive.
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Dance4, you said:
“You don't want to end up smoothering your wife with your good intentions. Margie is right, don't rush her on the kissing issue, think about the things you did when the two of you were first dating that lead up to your kisses and realize in some ways you are kind of back there again. The two of you have a whole lot of rediscovering to do with one another as you begin to get to know the "whole" her with the ED and all and she begins to see that you really are as great as she was hoping for you to be.”
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I understand what you’re saying Dance4, about not rushing things. This is about rediscovering each other. It scares both of us. I don’t think its so much me that has changed. It’s all her. The ED, the smoking, her anxieties about it all. She’s very different now. I’m adapting to her and she’s afraid I won’t love the new her and I obviously do.
Aurora, you’re post scared the heck out of me. Inviting her to read what I wrote? OK, so I love her unconditionally. I don’t hold the ED against her. I support her need to smoke and it doesn’t turn me off. All of this is true and not staged.
If she reads this thread then she’ll read this post. I can’t help but wonder if it would make her paranoid and even angry because I wrote about her and us.
I’m not embarrassed about any thing I wrote or any thing I feel. It’s all sincere. You’re right, I want her to know how I feel but I don’t want her to be hurt by it.
Do you really think its OK to tell her about this?
I miss my wife. It was a lot different when I didn’t know about the ED. Unrealistically speaking, I fell in love with her pre-ED (even though it existed unbeknownst to me) and it was the pre-ED woman that loved me.
I love her so much and I’m angry that ED exists and that it has the power to harm my wife and harm our marriage. But I’m also happy that she’s doing so much to get it under control.
I know she loves me. She just doesn’t want to believe I can still love her. That’s painful for both of us.
We talked some last night. She’s smoking in front of me now and that’s what we talked about. She’s so apologetic and I wish she wouldn’t feel that way because even she admits it helps her. She doesn’t need to apologize for something that is helping her. She should feel grateful that she’s getting relief. I know I would. But she thinks she’s doing me a disservice. She is so guilt-ridden over it. I thought bringing it out in the open would take away her guilt, but in some ways its worsened, because now she has to deal with me knowing.
Get this. She told me that she feels guilty because she’s starting to get pleasure from it. She thinks it should just to keep from over eating. It shouldn’t feel good. It’s like medicine should taste bad. Its like people saying you shouldn’t enjoy sex. You should just do it procreate. So what! I’m glad she enjoys it. I want her too. What’s wrong with getting pleasure from something you have to do any way?
I said in the beginning that I didn’t and couldn’t UNDERSTAND any thing about ED. I can only ACCEPT it. That hasn’t changed. It’s very frustrating for me to not be on the same wavelength as her and even with you people as I talk to. Its like two different languages with similar vowels and consonants.
Communication is key to understanding. The most simple things become complicated. I think they’re simple. She thinks they’re complicated. Because I don’t have ED, I simplify it. Honey I love you. I’m proud of you for working your program. OK. Now lets get on with our lives. We know this thing is here. But it doesn’t change how we feel about each other. But she complicates it. She brings in fears and doubts and paranoias that have no business in our relationship. But they’re legitimate and real to her. She sees them and I don’t and she doesn’t understand why. Its like the Twilight Zone.
It was difficult last night. She was sitting on the couch and I was sitting in a chair. She wouldn’t let me sit next to her because she’s convinced that her 2nd hand smoke will offend me or worse- kill me. Her thinking prohibits affection and intimacy. And of course there is no way in her mind that I can ever be attracted to a woman who has “problems (ED)” and smokes. She is damaged goods and that’s self-esteem and who knows what else. But I do love her and I am attracted and I miss her so much. I feel more like her roommate than her husband.
I’m the first one to admit I don’t any thing because I lack understanding. But I still have feelings and thoughts. I think that in her mind, before I knew she had ED, we were so much alike. We had every thing in common and nothing that wasn’t in common. Post ED has put a huge barrier in front of us that is separating us. For the first time in our lives there is something between us that we don’t have in common. And this is tearing her up.
Don’t get angry with me for saying this because its going to sound stupid to you but remember who’s saying it. If I could have ED, I would take it in a heart beat so that I could fight it with her. I would share it in common with her. And I would take that thought to other levels. If she had herpes, I would take the herpes too and I would share it with her. If her hair fell out, I would shave my head and share the baldness.
OK, with that said, here comes the real question of my post that I’m seeking advice about.
I can’t make my self have ED. I’m just not wired that way. I’ll never be able to have this in common with her. But I can start smoking and I can share her addiction. She would be very angry with me if I did this, but it would pass because she loves me.
If I truly thought this issue would pass I would wait it out. And that’s what someone would suggest if they were on the outside looking in. But since I’m on the inside I can see that these issues are bigger than she is. I don’t want her to come to terms with them years after we’re divorced. I really think it would help if I started smoking so I could take away a difference that is keeping us separated.
-Derrick
