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Mar 6, 2004
[FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=DarkOrchid]Hey, my name is Kelsey, and I'm 13, and I think I have anorexia.
Well, last year, I started exercising alot, and I lost a lot of weight. Well, I kinda stopped doing that, and gained that weight back(well, like 5-10 lbs of it). And now, I kinda feel like I can't eat, like when I do, I feel guilty, and I wanna throw up(although I can't, but if I could I probably would). I feel like I'm fat and I wanna lose weight. I'm not hungry~ but that's probably only because I'm telling myself I'm not.
I talked with Pam(my youth pastor's wife, and my "mommy") tonight. Pam and I talked about how it's alright to lose weight, as long as your controling it, not it controlling you. And how that I probably need to get an acountability partner who keep me to eating(I never thought I'd say(or rather type) those words!). A couple of years ago I used to throw up a lot. I mean like every week I'd throw up. And Pam said she thought that I was bulemic~ so she used to follow me to the bathroom, and keep an eye on me, just to make sure, but she gave up on it after she was sure that I wasn't. Well, now I wish I could make myself throw up because everytime my mom makes me eat, which is mostly when I eat, I wanna throw up~ I feel so guitly, like I did something that I wasn't supposed to do. We also talked about what could be causing me to feel like I needed to lose weight~ and there were a couple of reasons, like at school, the girls, and the guys for that matter, don't eat a lot, and I, quite frankly, eat a bunch. Well, not a bunch, just more than Melanie and her friends, and all my friends who I eat lunch with. Pam said that I don't eat a lot, atleast what she's noticed, and that it was just that Melanie and everyone else just don't eat a lot. But another thing could also be that I'm constatly surrounded by twirlers who are skinny minny. I mean like these twirlers are really really skinny~ and I feel like an elephant around them. And it doesn't help that we wear basically skin tight costumes.... But I don't know... maybe it's a mixture of things, or maybe...well, I don't know.

It's really weird. The scale continually goes down, but the girl in the mirror continually grows fatter. I don't know what is happening to me. I want to eat, but I don't. It's like that verse in Romans 7 when Paul is talking about doing good, and not doing it. I know what I need to eat, and I know that I have to eat, but I don't eat. I know the effects that come from not eating~ diabetes, anemia, and stuff to do with the reproductive parts and stuff, but I just can't do it. And whenever I over eat, then I punish myself, even though I know that this entire ordeal is making God cry. He is probably looking down on me saying how stupid I am. I know Jesus already took my punishment so that I wouldn't have to be punished, but I still feel like I need to be punished. Somedays I will eat a lot, and then other days I won't eat anything at all. But all the time I am constantly looking in the mirror, and I hate what I see. I'm so fat, and I hate it.

I don't think normal girls life ambition is to learn how to throw up. I don't think normal girls spend their time thinking about how much they ate and how they broke their promise to themselves not to eat anything. But then again~ I'm not normal, am I? I don't think most girls see themselves as fat~ and I don't think most girls see others, no matter how big they are, as skinnier than themselves. I've never claimed myself as normal, but now I'm even more convinced that I'm not even close to being normal. The scale goes down continually, but the person that I see in the mirror keeps getting fatter. I hate this~ all the feelings of guilt that I can't seem to escape from, the dizziness, the headaches, the rumblings of my stomach, the lying. I just want it all to stop! But it doesn't, and that sucks. I don't know what to do anymore~ I pray for God to take everything away, to bring my life back to normal, but nothing is happening. If anything, things are just getting worse. I am sick of not eating, and these feelings of guilt. The guilt I get after I eat, the guilt I get after I've just lied to my mom, the guilt that comes from throwing away my lunch, the guilt that I get when I cut, which causes me to want to punish myself more, the guilt I get when I don't eat when I'm really starving, the guilt I get when I tell everyone I'm not hungry when I really am starving. I just want it all to end! Why don't they end? Why do I have to live like this? What is wrong with me~ why can't I live an normal life? I get dizzy spells everyday, but I don't tell my parents. And in January and February I had blackouts, where I basically fainted. The dizziness isn't helped by eating, it just makes it worse, and Advil, Tylenol, and even Excedrin don't help!

I hate not being able to pig out on green bean casserole, cheese, sour gummi worms, pineapple, black olives, pizza, all the foods that I love! You have no idea what it's like to eat something that you love and yet want to throw it up. It's one of the worst feelings in the world. I want to be able to pig out on food, and not feel guilty about it afterwords. And yes, I am willing to do whatever it takes to get better. This entire thing is just so stupid. I don't know why I ever started it anyway. If being completely honest will make it all stop, then that's what I will do. I am willing do whatever it takes to end this idiotic thing. I am willing.

My youth pastor and his wife are willing to help me through this, and I'm really grateful for them. Greg and Pam are like the mom and dad that I never had, seeing how my parents and I have never had the best relationship. They are the only people I've told about this except for Karin, my friend, who had anorexia last year. But having Greg and Pam there, praying, talking to, and listening to me has really helped, but I really wish I could throw up. And if there is anyone who is reading this who knows how to throw up, PLEASE LET ME KNOW HOW!!!! I'm begging you, the guilt that I get from eating is too strong. I have spent countless hours in the bathroom trying to make my self throw up, but I don't accomplish anything. Only becoming more depressed because I failed to keep yet another promise to myself. I have promised myself that I will learn how to make myself throw up. And I have also promised myself not to eat~ and I always seem to break those. I know I need help, and I really do want to get better~ but it's so difficult. I can't help but want to throw up. I NEED to know how!!! So please, I'm begging you, if anyone knows how to throw up, please let me know ASAP so that I can stop feeling guilty!!!!!!! I NEED TO KNOW!!!!!
~Kelsey[/COLOR][/FONT]





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