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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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Wow. I say wow because reading that, I suddenly thought...have I been on this site before and made a post I'd forgotten about? The only difference was the shower thing. I still rely on the ol' plastic bag trick, though it's not a very good one at all. Your family probably knows, they're just afraid to confront you. My mom confronted me, twice, which was really hard for her, and served only to infuriate me. How dare she go into my room! That was how I felt. She claimed the cat had gotten the door open and hidden somewhere in there, so she had to find him. I never did buy that excuse. Anyhow, let me tell you what bullemia got me. Of course, it started out as a diet nearly 7 years ago, and that's all it was at first. But at 16, it turned into something more like anorexia. When too many people got on to me about my weight, I started eating again. And it was oh so good. Of course, I over did it, and so I started throwing up my food. This was about age 16 too. I actually thought it was kind of funny the first time I did it, like it was a joke. Boy was I ever wrong. So, four years later, here's where I am. During one binge, I herniated a disk in my back, resulting in severe pain, a temporary limp, and a permanent numbness in half of my right foot. My back also aches now and then, still, despite physical therapy. (I told everyone I sneezed wrong...). After that, my eating disorder ruined college for me. At first, I started losing weight at college, which was great, because all I ate was the cereal from their breakfast bar and fresh fruit. No food in my room or anything. Of course, I started craving the pizza, and the hot foods, and when I started eating those, I couldn't stop. So I pigged out in the cafeteria, sitting at a table by myself, then rushed of to my room to throw up. Then whenever I drove home for the weekends, all I'd do is eat and throw up. I barely saw my family. I was always in my room, sneaking food in through the window. I stopped going to school, because I felt like I was getting fatter. In reality, I'd probably gained five pounds of fluid from the vomitting. I worked at Walmart for awhile, fighting the entire time, spending all of my money on food. Then I moved on to another job, and that's the job I currently have. I got tired of spending my money on food, so I started stealing it. Big mistake, of course. I got caught, and received a $350 fine. But I'm still not too concerned about that anymore, because I stole way more than that, and I kept stealing out of spite for the fine. I've stopped now, because my fear of getting caught again grew for some reason. Now, let's talk about my teeth. I have many cavities, and I had to have a tooth extracted just about 2 months ago. Already, one of my teeth are gone. It's only a back tooth, but still. I fear every day that my heart will just stop, because of the pain I have in my neck and arm. Twice after a purge, I felt like I was going to pass out, my pulse seemed oddly slow to me, and I felt kind of dizzy. I think I may have been having a panic attack though, out of fear of having a heart attack. I believe that because I can prevent that from happening by relaxing. But I still worry about my heart every day, and as soon as I get health insurance, I'll have an EKG done. I am working so hard to stop this. I became bullimic to beat the system, and it was the worst thing I have ever done in my life. I'd rather be in prison for something then be bullemic. Actually, this is sort of like prison in a way, except for it could kill me a lot easier.

I make my goal every day to not throw up. The days that I don't, I feel so good about myself, and my stress decreases that much. Normally, I'm not throwing up so much as letting the food come up. And that only happens when I've eaten way too much, which I purposefully do. Whenever my stomach feels full, that's an oppurtunity, and I start wondering about what things I can eat to throw up. I'm not underweight. I'm of normal weight, because I always end up keeping some of my food down, because I eat so much that I can't always get it all up. That's probably a good thing. I feel like someone should stamp the word HOG on my forehead. I was obese as a child, before the dieting began at age 13, and the reason I was overweight then was because I was a compulsive eater. I could never eat just one cookie, I always had to have the entire package. Then I'd still want more.

Anyway, I'm starting a new job soon, and I plan to work way more than my old job. This will allow me less time to focus on food. Oddly enough, I'll be working at a place that serves food, and allows employees free meals on breaks. Of course, I've already visited the website and checked out the calorie contents on the foods. I plan to eat lunch at the restraunt, and have a sandwich when I get home. I plan to eat at least 1400 calories per day. This is to start. I want to get my binging under control. If I eat too much, I feel I must eat more and more, then purge. That is not the life I want to live. I don't want to let an eating disorder kill me. My dad is also bullemic, though I got the idea from this article I read about the disease. He's 47, and still alive. That gives me some hope, but I know he never binged and purged as hard as I did, sometimes for days straight. Therefore, I know my heart probably is messed up. It's really hard to be 20 years old and afraid that every day may be your last. A support group of some type would be great for me. Writing this is helping me, I think. I hope it helps someone else. I'd like to chat with people who have been through this and suvived, or people who are currently trying to overcome it. And, if you want to try and live with it, take my advice: Don't. It will kill you in more ways than one. I would really like to hear from an older person who has been through years of this severe self inflicted trauma and made a come back to decent health. That is what I'm trying to do myself, after all. Thank you for your time.

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