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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board


Eating Disorder Recovery Board Index


[b]Pam:[/b]
I've thought long and hard, Pam. I've been thinking about it for the longest of time. But I have decided that I will not tell on either person. Unlike everything else I'm trying to tell, this is something that I am not. I can only talk about it amongst my fellow internet-buddies and myself.

The person whom I don't know have left me alone for a year already, and although he tried to grab me back when I was in 6th grade and didn't leave me alone all throughout middle school, I suppose I can forgive him. He didn’t really do anything, but like, all throughout middle school he kept asking me what school I went to and whether if he could touch me, and despite my NO, he continued to do so anyway… And he did all this in public too, and no one else seem to have realized anything, how is beyond me…Maybe it was because we were walking SO close that they thought we were companions? No idea… but I remember every morning, I would be running across the street to the train station just to avoid him, or waking up an hour early so that I won't have to see him, or taking another longer route to school. But then I thought that would've showed my weakness and so, after a while, I just continued my regular schedule and this continued on for say, two years? But like I said, I forgive him... After all, I DID hurt him bad the first time, and I still feel bad about that. (He's on a wheelchair and I flipped his wheelchair backwards when he tried to grab me, hence he hit his head pretty hard, no doubt. Heck, it was in my very own apartment lobby, too. I only did it to get away and run upstairs… And I’m thinking, perhaps he was just doing all that just to get revenge?) I sound like a complete fool, being chased around by someone on a wheelchair, don’t I? I know I know I know and Im so embarassed. :o But he’s a scary guy, honest. But he has stopped, probably because I’m less appealing than I was back then, HAHA, I don’t know.

But anyhow, nowadays, I see him on the streets allllllll the time, and every time I see him, I just look at him in disgust and mumble curse words to myself. But I no longer avoid him, or walk another five blocks JUST to get around him ‘cause that would show that I am afraid. Yeah, well, I am sort of, but he doesn’t need to know that. And he hasn’t done anything anymore. I’m just waiting for the day when he moves out of the neighborhood ‘cause the sight of his face just makes me wanna roll him down a staircase. (I’m evil, I know.)

As for the second person, I can't. He's someone I know and interact with every day, and I just can't. Sorry. But I'm positive that he isn't doing the same thing to six-year-olds so that's no problem. I’m pooooositive about that. One day, I just hope to forget.

[b]Aurora:[/b]
You know, when I was younger, I didn’t like eating either, hence I was sooo skinny. In fact, I was sorta like a vegetarian simply because I didn’t like meat. (But at the time, I didn’t know I was a vegetarian ‘cause that wasn’t part of my vocabulary yet.) Anyway, all I ate were noodles every meal and would refuse to eat anything else— spaghetti, mac and cheese, chow mein, anything pasta-y. Imagine the horror Pam is implanting on me when she threatens me with them!! :eek: (Joking). And when I was hungry, I always said I wasn't.. AND I exercised, lol. But anyway, somewhere a long the line, something happened, and I started eating meat, and now TOO much meat, and now look at me, LOL. I think it's my body trying to make up for all the fat I didn't have as a kid?? It's finally haunting me, lol. So, we're sorta the same, only you took a different path than I-- both which are unfortunately, bad.

But seriously!!! Enough about me, I’m being too awfully selfish here. But I don't want you to EVER feel that you're talking about yourself too much, because frankly, you're not. And plus, we all enjoy hearing from you, no doubt!! But me, once I start talking, I can’t seem to get myself to stop, so please forgive me— not only for that, but also for rudely barging in on your post to Pam, as well.. :o

I understand what you mean when you would picture yourself being petit and graceful for ballet purposes, and how you wanted to be small height/weightwise when you were growing up. I used to have the same thoughts with figure skating 'cause I love skating, and I thought of the same things. Now, I DEFINITELY don't have the body for it, LOL and am certainly too old to learn! But anyhow, somewhat like you, I was always short (not saying you're short), and I remember how I always wanted to be the short-EST, and hence would bend down and slouch and whatnot. I wanted to be small, like you. Of course, it hasn’t done ANYTHING good for me now, haha. Now, I wish I were taller, (I am SOO short and I don't believe I'll be growing any taller, LOL)... ironically, of course.. haha.. Now that I finally got what Ii wanted, I don't want it anymore. If I'm a wee bit taller, maybe I’ll look skinnier.
But uh.. I guess it’s normal, isn’t it? I mean—for a kid to imagine things like that. It’s almost as if we didn’t want to stop becoming kids, and hence we constantly wanted the body OF a kid—small, fragile, etc. Understand?

And regarding the sign of weakness to admit you were ill— same here. And I STILL believe that very strongly. Whenever I'm sick, I'm expected to tend for myself. To Take my own medicine, know what and whatnot to eat, etc. I suspect it was same for you? Although I may be totally off.. And if I am, then I’m awfully sorry.

And please don’t say you have failed, because you have NOT!!! Absolutely not!! Just try to think of this as another one of the many obstacles you were just chosen to face in your life. And of course, as we all know, after the obstacles, there’s always a reward, right? In this case, a new healthier, more beautiful, graceful, and charming you! This will only help you to become stronger, you hear?

And I am confused as to what triggered you when you were 14. Maybe I’m just not reading between the lines or you have mentioned it in a previous post, but I’m sorry, I cannot recall.

The average weight for a 12 year old girl, just so you know is 95 pounds. You were only 3 pounds off, and you said you were quite taller than your peers, so I would say you were average.

Well, Rory, of couuuurse you’ve made friends. I don’t approve of your drinking to please them, BUT, I wouldn’t understand how you wouldn’t have. You’re SUCH an intelligent, charming young lady, who WOULDN’T like you?? Silly. ;)
Sorry to have given you all such a fright..
You see, I got on a scale a few weeks back and found out that I had gained 15 pounds since I started bingeing (Another five since I last weighed myself). And I was just so upset because I thought that I have lost something, but I didn’t. So I decided that that was the last straw. And that if no one could really help me, then I was gonna discipline myself. So I’ve been hurting myself... Every time I wanted to eat, I would inflict pain. Basically, I wanted to put myself into the most pain but least harmfully and undetectably, you know? Moreover, I wanted to isolate myself from everyone else and put myself in the hot seat to incriminate myself silly. Hence I concluded that I didn’t deserve to be happy, and that I deserved the pain for being ever so feeble and moronic. And I convinced myself that I didn’t even deserve to speak with any of you until I have changed my ways. So every time I wanted to come to the boards, I’d refrained from it. I’d pace back and forth and intentionally drive myself to anguish. I wanted so much to come here and post my heart out, but I didn’t allow myself to. I wanted to see myself suffer. I thought this might’ve worked—That maybe if I took away something I really looked forward to every day, then I might’ve been able to get my act back together to get what I wanted. Sorta like “if [I]p[/I], then [I]q[/I],” you know? But that didn’t work because I knew that I could’ve gotten [I]q[/I] regardless of what I was doing. And surprisingly, after a few weeks, I actually became accustomed to not coming here; therefore it wasn’t a punishment anymore, so I decided to come back. Food is just too powerful… But I didn’t stop to think that you guys might’ve been worried or anything and I’m sorry about that. I didn’t really think you would be.

But in spite of this, instead of reducing my calorie intake, my attempts to improve has actually INCREASED it, and I’m bingeing more frequent than ever. And I wouldn’t stop until I was entirely stuffed, had an aching stomach, was nauseous, couldn’t move, and until there was absolutely no way I could’ve eaten anything else. And then, as I began to feel better and my stomach relieved a bit, which was almost immediately after, I’ll start again, which is utterly disgusting. I’ve never seen myself eat so much before. And it’s almost as if I’ve forgotten how it is to feel “hungry.” Oh yeah, and Pam, it IS possible to gain a pound in one meal. 3500 calories equals one pound. 3500? That’s like nothing to me—sadly. I can literally feel my pants getting tighter and tighter day by day… and every time I swallow something I can feel it piling up in my stomach. And I feel like the whole world is watching and observing. At school, many people comment about my “flubber” and just two days ago, my dad felt around my waist and he told me that he was certain I was gonna be a fat [email protected] when I grow older. And he mentioned at I had a fat a$$-- again. Arggghh!!! And when he left the room, I felt my waist as well, the way he was feeling it so that I’ll have a better sense of how much fat he had felt. And it’s true…I have huge tires running around my waist and I hate it!! Then I looked in the mirror—yep, that’s one chunk of fat hanging from my behind, all right! :mad: And that just got me so upset, and the more upset I got, the more I ate, and the more I ate, the more upset I got. Yet, the less I ate, the more urges I got TO eat, and the more urges to got TO eat, the more I ate, and well, you get the point. I mean, I’m not even overweight…I’m just mounted in FAT!!! And I just eat way too much! Pretty soon, though, I WILL be overweight b/c the number on the scale is just flying colors. And not only that, but I’m extremely short too, which makes me look even fatter.

And you know what’s even worse? I’m such a dope. I’m now lying to myself. When I’m counting calories, and the numbers seem too high, I’ll round down. I’d tell myself, “Nah, this CAN’T be 800 calories. Let’s say it’s 500.” When in fact it IS 800!! And if I ate 13 slices of bread… I’ll put down 10 slices. “It’s only three less. Probably won’t make a difference anyway.” Wrong, again, Dumbo!! And there were times when I felt so guilty for doing so that I’ll exercise until I dropped. But obviously those 10 minutes of exercising is doing no good given I’m eating a trillion times more!!! If not that, then I would just stay up all night, pinch the fat on my stomach and cry myself to sleep.

And school has just been SO hectic lately. I have SO many upcoming tests, but I just can’t seem to concentrate. I know I NEED to pass, and I know I SO desperately NEED to study, but I can’t. I’ve been on page 1 for the past 5 days. (Pathetic, huh?) I don’t wanna fail anymore exams— I really, really, really don’t. But every time I pick up a book or something, I get so discouraged by one, it’s thickness, and two, the lack of time. I always think, “I’m gonna fail anyway, so why bother studying?”
“There’s not enough time left to study. What can I remember in two hours anyway?”
“This book is too thick, I’ll never finish it…” etc. Perhaps the reason why is because I know it’s true, but I don’t want to think like that, honest. But I can’t help it. And so, ultimately, I DON’T study. Instead, I go and grab a snack or something and that’s when all the trouble starts! And then when the day of the test comes, I either fail or do very poorly on it. :( I’ve had some people tell me to cheat. And I’m wondering to myself, “How the heck can I cheat when I can’t even see my neighbor’s paper?” I can’t cheat even if I WANTED to, haha. :rolleyes:

And thank you all for the birthday wishes. Although it wasn’t a happy one—I didn’t even get a party and hardly anyone remembered it. The new year just started out horribly.

And I don’t understand the “board intervention” thing. What does it mean for the board to intervene? And why is it surprising that the boards did not? Did I do something wrong? And Pam, why did you hope for that? Did you want me gone..? Sorry for throwing out questions, but I’m lost. :confused:

Demi: I’m so glad to hear that school is over for you. I can’t even imagine the relief you must be feeling right now. It’s finally over!!! So, what are your plans for the summer?

Aury: I was reading your posts, and you really frightened me when you said that you didn’t wanna go back. But I’m so glad to hear that you’ve decided to return. And William sounds like a swell guy and I’m so glad that you’ve met him.
And I’m fairly concerned about your kidneys. I hope they will be restored to its full capacity soon, even though you said that it isn’t likely— but I still hope for it! Your trip to the hospital must’ve been a fright. I’m so glad you’re back, though. Just take care of yourself, okay? And just keep eating, just keep eating, eating, eating! (Like Dorey, only she swims). And I’m sorry to hear about your unsympathetic friends. I wouldn’t call them selfish, though. In fact, I think they are saying the things they say and doing the things they do BECAUSE they care about you. I think they’re only trying to help, but are approaching things the wrong way. I strongly believe that they are criticizing you in attempt to trigger a change for the better—not to make you feel worse. After all, they ARE your friends. And I don’t believe they would want to hurt you intentionally.

Pam: Maybe I’m a bit too late to cheer you on, but I’m SO glad everything’s okay with your hubby!!! I bet he was just SO delighted— exhausted, yes—but nonetheless delighted to see you again and vice versa, of course! It’s so sweet that you two didn’t wanna be separated. He sounds like such a supportive and caring person given he was concerned about your privacy and whatnot. You’re just SO lucky to have someone who loves you so much and are bonded to in such a strong marriage!! And I’m sorry to hear you’re still sick. Hope you feel better soon!!
And you say that all your sister in law talks about is herself? Well, what about herself does she talk about? Maybe it’s something important she wants to tell you about? A problem, perhaps? Maybe a secret she wants to tell you, but keeps putting it off, and hence she just goes on and on about herself, instead? Sometimes when people have troubles, they tend to forget about others. Either that or they just want to talk about themselves. Maybe I’m thinking too much, but it’s just a thought.

So, you’ve been doubting my telling the truth? I don’t believe it. I’m not lying about any of this, honest. Just because you can’t “conceive of such parents” doesn’t mean they don’t exist or I’m making things up…There’s just so much more I haven’t told you, and maybe if I did, it would clarify things a little bit more? I don’t know. Plus, it wouldn’t make sense for me to lie about something so stupid, and what reason would I have for it? If I intended to lie, I would’ve come up with something a bit more engaging than this, don’t you think? Why would I run around telling everyone I can’t see when I have the option of telling everyone I were a, say… pro-skater, instead?? Heck, I would’ve told y’all I was married with ten kids, have traveled to the moon six times, had telepathic powers, and is currently on the run for homicide! (Scared yet? :p) Moreover, I would have continued to lead y’all to believe I was Janice. ;)
The original post was too long, so I hadda split it into two's.

[b]Saturday[/b]
 1:30- Chicken burrito, Goldfish crackers, orange juice- I had just woken up, and this is my “breakfast.” I wasn’t planning on eating anything until 9:00pm or so because of the buffet yesterday and the mini binge episode on Thursday, but my grandma came over and offered them to me, and she sat there just WAITING for me to eat them. And so, I did.
 1:45- A LOT of strawberry creamed cookies- Well, now that I had my mouth going, I couldn’t stop because I wasn’t “full enough.” And I craved for something sweet. Hence, the cookies again.
 7:15- 2 apples- I was thinking how I haven’t had anything to eat in almost six hours, so I walked around the apt for some food. Found apples, so apples it was.
 9:00- 2 slices of bread, milk, ice cream cone- I wasn’t really thinking of anything. It’s just about time for dinner, but I wasn’t hungry. I was just bored, I guess.
 9:05- a ROW of Saltine Crackers- I was only planning on having one serving, but sorta went overboard. I was thinking of how sweet that cone was and I had to “wash down” the sweetness.
 9:15- 2 cheese sandwiches- I blame the eating spree
 9:20- more ice cream- to “wash down” the dryness from the bread/cheeses
 9:25- Pork sandwich- I was already full, but not “full enough.” I was thinking about how much I had already ate, and shouldn’t eat anymore. But I did anyway.
 9:30- Some more Saltine crackers, this time only half a row- Ugh, I just don’t know.

As you can see, I'm quite a pig. :(
I also have a strange obsession for cookies and ham/cheese sandwiches, haha.

I feel absolutely awful. I feel like I’m trying to find an excuse for eating everything. None of them are legitimate, either. Who am I kidding? I don’t really “need” it. And not once was I hungry! I eat just…cause. I think I know what my problem is. I’m never “satisfied” until I am absolutely stuffed!! I think I’ve become so accustomed to being sick to the stomach, that it has become something that’s oddly, uhh “essential,” you know? Essential for me to concentrate or to do anything as a matter of fact. It’s like the only way in which I can feel “comfortable” and “fulfilled,” when in fact, I feel absolutely disgusting—not to mention how horrific the consequences are. I just wanna know how to eat normally again. I wish someone would lock me in a room and tell me exactly what and what not to eat and when to do it. And if I need exercise, what to do, how long to do it for, and yaddie yaddie yah. Someone to hold my hand and guide me through the whole process, step by step, and force everything onto me. I can’t force myself, but I’m sure someone else would be able to in the physical life.
If only there was a way to “team up, lol.” That’ll be nice. I mean, I’m pretty certain we both know WHAT to do, but knowing what to do is not as effective as knowing the whole enchilada, you know?

What I find effective, though—and perhaps you can try this with your husband?? Watch him eat… and whatever he eats, you eat ONLY that. I’m assuming he eats sensibly? ‘Cause during lunch sometimes, I’ll just sit in a corner and watch everyone eat… and try to figure out how they “do it.” (Sounds pathetic, don’t it?) Like…I see what they eat, how much they eat, and how fast, and I’ll try to mimic them. I’m usually pretty successful, but I guess what separates me from everyone else is what I do OFF school hours, you know? While they’re all out playing ball, I’m all alone at home with no one to guide me through a meal. -sigh- But you’re always with your husband, aren’t you? Or do you both go to work? Or does he go to work and you stay home? I forget, lol—or maybe you’ve never said? But even if you’re not always together, that’s what phones are for. :D I’m sure you can trust yourself, and your huby can trust you to eat what he’s eating even when he’s not monitoring. Get it?

I think you should try this, too Pam. This, meaning posting what you eat each day and stuff. Who knows, maybe you’ll find out something new about yourself. Or, maybe when you put it down into words, you’ll be able to “see yourself.” I know you probably have it all “figured out” already, given you have said so many times before. But I think that if we had a bunch of people doing this, then we can maybe swap, you know? Plus, I’m really curious now, and I think it only fair if you had equal participation in this. -grins- :D

Okay, now I’m REALLY rambling. I'm typing this follow-up at like 3:00am and I have no idea where my brain has gone. I haven’t been getting ANY sleep lately, so naturally I’m a mess in my thoughts. So whatever I wrote prior may not make any sense and hence I know tomorrow morning, when I reread everything, I’m gonna feel like a complete imbecile. I know, no one cares about my grammar, but still. :o

Hope y’all are having a nice Memorial Day weekend!
 1:30- Chicken burrito, Goldfish crackers, orange juice- I had just woken up, and this is my “breakfast.” I wasn’t planning on eating anything until 9:00pm or so because of the buffet yesterday and the mini binge episode on Thursday, but my grandma came over and offered them to me, and she sat there just WAITING for me to eat them. And so, I did.
 1:45- A LOT of strawberry creamed cookies- Well, now that I had my mouth going, I couldn’t stop because I wasn’t “full enough.” And I craved for something sweet. Hence, the cookies again.
 7:15- 2 apples- I was thinking how I haven’t had anything to eat in almost six hours, so I walked around the apt for some food. Found apples, so apples it was.
 9:00- 2 slices of bread, milk, ice cream cone- I wasn’t really thinking of anything. It’s just about time for dinner, but I wasn’t hungry. I was just bored, I guess.
 9:05- a ROW of Saltine Crackers- I was only planning on having one serving, but sorta went overboard. I was thinking of how sweet that cone was and I had to “wash down” the sweetness.
 9:15- 2 cheese sandwiches- I blame the eating spree
 9:20- more ice cream- to “wash down” the dryness from the bread/cheeses
 9:25- Pork sandwich- I was already full, but not “full enough.” I was thinking about how much I had already ate, and shouldn’t eat anymore. But I did anyway.
 9:30- Some more Saltine crackers, this time only half a row- Ugh, I just don’t know.

As you can see, I'm quite a pig. :(
I also have a strange obsession for cookies and ham/cheese sandwiches, haha.

I feel absolutely awful. I feel like I’m trying to find an excuse for eating everything. None of them are legitimate, either. Who am I kidding? I don’t really “need” it. And not once was I hungry! I eat just…cause. I think I know what my problem is. I’m never “satisfied” until I am absolutely stuffed!! I think I’ve become so accustomed to being sick to the stomach, that it has become something that’s oddly, uhh “essential,” you know? Essential for me to concentrate or to do anything as a matter of fact. It’s like the only way in which I can feel “comfortable” and “fulfilled,” when in fact, I feel absolutely disgusting—not to mention how horrific the consequences are. I just wanna know how to eat normally again. I wish someone would lock me in a room and tell me exactly what and what not to eat and when to do it. And if I need exercise, what to do, how long to do it for, and yaddie yaddie yah. Someone to hold my hand and guide me through the whole process, step by step, and force everything onto me. I can’t force myself, but I’m sure someone else would be able to in the physical life.
If only there was a way to “team up, lol.” That’ll be nice. I mean, I’m pretty certain we both know WHAT to do, but knowing what to do is not as effective as knowing the whole enchilada, you know?

What I find effective, though—and perhaps you can try this with your husband?? Watch him eat… and whatever he eats, you eat ONLY that. I’m assuming he eats sensibly? ‘Cause during lunch sometimes, I’ll just sit in a corner and watch everyone eat… and try to figure out how they “do it.” (Sounds pathetic, don’t it?) Like…I see what they eat, how much they eat, and how fast, and I’ll try to mimic them. I’m usually pretty successful, but I guess what separates me from everyone else is what I do OFF school hours, you know? While they’re all out playing ball, I’m all alone at home with no one to guide me through a meal. -sigh- But you’re always with your husband, aren’t you? Or do you both go to work? Or does he go to work and you stay home? I forget, lol—or maybe you’ve never said? But even if you’re not always together, that’s what phones are for. :D I’m sure you can trust yourself, and your huby can trust you to eat what he’s eating even when he’s not monitoring. Get it?

I think you should try this, too Pam. This, meaning posting what you eat each day and stuff. Who knows, maybe you’ll find out something new about yourself. Or, maybe when you put it down into words, you’ll be able to “see yourself.” I know you probably have it all “figured out” already, given you have said so many times before. But I think that if we had a bunch of people doing this, then we can maybe swap, you know? Plus, I’m really curious now, and I think it only fair if you had equal participation in this. -grins- :D

Okay, now I’m REALLY rambling. I'm typing this follow-up at like 3:00am and I have no idea where my brain has gone. I haven’t been getting ANY sleep lately, so naturally I’m a mess in my thoughts. So whatever I wrote prior may not make any sense and hence I know tomorrow morning, when I reread everything, I’m gonna feel like a complete imbecile. I know, no one cares about my grammar, but still. :o

Hope y’all are having a nice Memorial Day weekend![/QUOTE]


Hiya Quench -

Busy day! And here it 11:30. Had and still have some computer problems and problems with the printer, too. Is there a full moon or something??? Jeesh Somehow images have gone nuts. The backround on the start page was blue sky and white clouds, and now it's grey. Picture on the net look weird, and all the backrounds like here on the board are tiny little dots. Ver distracting! This happened once before & hub fixed it, but now he forgot how. :confused: Well, anyway.....

Well, actually I guess I gave you my thoughts about your eating in my last post. I do notice you eat fairly sensiblt during the day, but nightstime abd week-ends apparently are your downfall. It's a combination of stress and boredom, and quite a bit of habit thrown in, too.To tell you the truth, one of the things I was trying to find out was if all this stuff with your dad influences your eating, and I really didn't get a sense of that, as it seemed mostly he wasn't home all these evenings that you are eating so much. Or, is it the stress of knowing he'll be home soon?? Or do you see no connection at all? There is no doubt you're a binger, at night, that is. So, that's what you need to work on. I know how it is - most kids are hungry when they come home from school. One good thing I noticed is that sometimes you do eat healthy foods when you binge, so if only you could try to do that more often? Have a healthy filling snack when you come home, the just TRY not to eat anything until dinner. Another thing I've noticed is that it seems you are on your own too much when eating, so you have a tendency to just grab whatever's handy, and it's often not healthy food. Do you ever eat breakfast-type food for breakfast? Yes, you do eat a lot of ham and that would make you very thirsty, too...and sometimes thirst gets mistaken for hunger, did you know that? Next time you're hungry, try drinking a big glass of icewater and you may find it substantially inhibits cravings.

I do understand what you mean about how you wish someone could show you how and when to eat. I think the same way! It seems your parents aren't around most of the time that you're eating. If you had more structured mealtimes, I'm betting that would end some of this bingeing. Just try the things I said for a while and see if the make any difference. And before you go for more food, have a very good talk with yourself to find out if it's really hunger you feel, or is it something, like just boredom and maybe even lonliness. Food is often a replacement for things we're lacking in other areas of our lives, so this may also be something for you to think about.

So you wanna know about me, aaay??? Sure, that's fine, but I can do that real quickly, right now, as there's little deviation, I'm not a snacker, and every night I have my bowl of ice cream with chocolate sauce. I am a chocoholic!!! When I get up I have a glass of 1% milk, every day, around 8:30am. "lunch" is half a grapefruit, a small orange, a ver small bowl of cereal (Either Raisin Bran or Cheerios) and I use aspartame on it. I drink decaf coffee all day until about 3:00) Anyway, I also have a half a bagel with diet margarine. This is what I eat EVERY DAY, because I have to, due to inability to digest fats during the day, and that, due to gall bladder removal 30 years ago. By night time I'm hungrier, the worst time to eat, I know. Every dinner includes vegetables, meat, and a starch (either rice, potatoes or some type of pasta, and one night a week is meatless. My hub and I eat similarly, except he also has a glass of Ensure with every meal, so I guess you know I won;t eat like him in that regard. He eats more during the day than I do, a LOT more!! Our dinners are probably equal calories and he eats later than I do, of course. When he's eating his reheated dinner, that's when I have my icecream. My biggest problem is that most of my calories are consumed at night, the WORST time to eat. I'm certain it just all turns to fat. I have cut down a bit on the ice cream, and I'm doing it VERY gradually, so as I won't notice. :D

Re my daughter (and BTW, she's barely 5'1") I can't help but feel very bad. While I was very careful to have food just be food, she still had a fat mother and 2 fat great-grandmothers, oh, and one fat grandmother (her dad's mother) So, she inherited the tendency and I do feel bad about that...and her height, too actually. It had always bothered her that I more or less tower over her (I used to be 5'9" but I've shrunk due to spine problems) Her father was only 5'8", and his 2 sisters and his mother were also her height. Guilt, guilt guilt!!! I'm a typical mother, what can I say!!

So, Ms. Quencherito, if you want you can try some of my suggestions. It seems you do like fruits and veggies, so when you want to binge, try to grab foods that are good for you. I do understand about those almond cookies, tho - I LOVE them!! :nono:

I'll talk to you again soon, OK??

HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Char/pam :wave:
[QUOTE=Quencher]Pam:
Re the comp problemI have a feeling as to what it could be. But I’m not quite certain yet from your description. Are ALL the colors distorted? Or just some of them? Do the colors seem darker to you? And less colorful, so to speak?

Yeah, I’m quite bored and lonely most of the time. And like I said before, I don’t think that my dad is linked to my eating since I SEE no connection. But Aury/Louisa suggest that it is. Plus, he does all that stuff [i]usually[/i] at night when I'm asleep, or am getting ready for bed. So, that doesn't really gimme any time to eat afterwards. I just fall back asleep, haha. I don’t know. It’s all so complicated.

And you’re sorta right about my liking fruits/veggies. During lunch, I FORCE myself to eat it. And other times, yeah, I guess I just like ‘em. It’s hard to ONLY eat fruits/veggies, though… I like variety, I suppose. I usually don’t eat breakfast because I know I will eat a lot at night—but I recently just started. And no, I don’t really eat breakfast-type food for breakfast. It’s just me and a ham sandwich.

I’ve tried drinking a cup of water before eating-thing, but I don’t know. I’m still not “full” afterwards. And sometimes, too much water makes my tummy bloat and it feels really, really uncomfortable. Oh yeah, and I’m not actually on my own during the night. My brother’s always home with me. But he doesn’t quite understand what I’m doing. Plus, I’m always in the bedroom, and he’s always in the living room, so he doesn’t realize. And I KNOW that I’m not hungry when I eat. So, when I DO eat, I don’t even have to look into that.

Hmm, I honestly don’t see anything wrong with your diet—maybe except for the coffee and the ice-cream, but otherwise, I would say it were… uhh, pretty good? Compared to mine anyway. Do you have any bingeing episodes? If so, how often? Just curious. I would like to give you some advice of some sort, but I have no idea what to say. :D

Wep, I hate to tell yah but you have no control over how tall she is or how much she weighs. If it were inherited, that is. And if it was, then it just was. I don’t think you can do anything about that. So, please stop feeling guilty??

I see you're online right now, but wep, I'm off to bed. It's 4am already and I'm dead-beat tired. :yawn:[/QUOTE]


Hi Ms. Quench -

Awww, sweet of you to even comment about my 'puter problem. It's just sooooo frustrating when something happens and you don't know what caused it, much less how to fix it!! One thing I didn't mention is that the night before last we had about a 10min power outage here, and I've no idea why. I think it did something the 'puter didn't like - touchy things, 'puters, ya know? Yes, it's really messed with the colors, but I'm also responsible for some of that trying to fix it...by making some things worse. I tried to fix the backround color, end ended up changing other colors, instead. Somehow, I also messed with the fonts so letters are bigger, for icons and stuff - like "Start" is twice the size it was. :rolleyes: In fact, I'm realizing that all the bottom icons are twice as big! I've really messed things up good!! I'm such a dolt. But, as for the color distortion...it makes backrounds of stuff, instead of being a solid color, like usual (even the backround color of these Boards, which are, I forget now, brownish????) Instead, the backround is like little squares of tiny dots which are red and grey. It also affects every picture you see, like on the net...they're not clear at all. So, it's like the dpi?? dpsi??? has been messed with, or something. I don't even know what I'm talking about....I'm sick of seeing dots. I have spots before my eyes!!!!! :D Anyway, I have clouds on my "Start" page, on a blue sky. Now, I have the clouds, but the sky is grey and weird-looking. To tell you the truth, I can't be sure it's a 'puter problem, or a monitor problem. I think I told you I've only been using a computer for about 1.5 years now, and most of what I know, is self-taught. I learned a LOT the hard way. :)

Well, of course I can't say positively, either way, whether the sexual abuse is responsible for your bingeing. It's just interesting that you eat normally during the day, but it starts when you get home. Course, I'm a night eater, too, but for different reasons. Oh, and I suggested eating more fruits and veggies when you're home, but not that you have to limit yourself to only those things. Just try making the snacks more of those things. And, I know it's difficult that your mom doesn't bring home dinner til late, but this is definitely part of the problem. Whatever she brings home, are there leftovers? If so, what you could do is reheat it and have it the next night for dinner, at no later than 7:30. And have your dessert right after dinner. Then, if you're hungry later, only fruits to nibble on. If you explain to your mom that you're gaining weight and need to diet, maybe she will buy you things that are better for you. BTW, my mom always used to say that you "rarely saw a fat Chinese person, because they eat so many vegetables and fish." Does your mom fix these dishes often? Because typically they're better for you, and you could probably fill up on them and not gain weight. Now see, I LOVE Chinese food, but I've heard that what is served in restaurants is not all that authentic. For example, I LOVE sweet and sour pork or chicken, but being deep fried adds calories, of course. But I love any of the chow mein or chop suey dishes and they're filled with vegetables. But I also love egg rolls and pot stickers, all fried!! And for the carbs, I love fried rice ans Chinese noodles (wet :D ) So, one CAN quickly gain weight on these things, but I've long suspected that much of it isn't very authentic, but you would know better than I. Anyway, if you just try to eat more fruits and vegetables, it will definitely help you calorically.

No, I guess I'm really not a binger, except for the nightly bowl of ice cream. I have more than a "serving", for sure!! More like 3-4 scoops. THAT is my biggest problem. I MUST have it....but I MUST learn how NOT to!!!!!!!!

Guess you're almost done with school now, huh? What will you do for the summer?

HUGS!!!!!!!!!
Char/pam :wave:





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