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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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I've thought long and hard, Pam. I've been thinking about it for the longest of time. But I have decided that I will not tell on either person. Unlike everything else I'm trying to tell, this is something that I am not. I can only talk about it amongst my fellow internet-buddies and myself.

The person whom I don't know have left me alone for a year already, and although he tried to grab me back when I was in 6th grade and didn't leave me alone all throughout middle school, I suppose I can forgive him. He didnít really do anything, but like, all throughout middle school he kept asking me what school I went to and whether if he could touch me, and despite my NO, he continued to do so anywayÖ And he did all this in public too, and no one else seem to have realized anything, how is beyond meÖMaybe it was because we were walking SO close that they thought we were companions? No ideaÖ but I remember every morning, I would be running across the street to the train station just to avoid him, or waking up an hour early so that I won't have to see him, or taking another longer route to school. But then I thought that would've showed my weakness and so, after a while, I just continued my regular schedule and this continued on for say, two years? But like I said, I forgive him... After all, I DID hurt him bad the first time, and I still feel bad about that. (He's on a wheelchair and I flipped his wheelchair backwards when he tried to grab me, hence he hit his head pretty hard, no doubt. Heck, it was in my very own apartment lobby, too. I only did it to get away and run upstairsÖ And Iím thinking, perhaps he was just doing all that just to get revenge?) I sound like a complete fool, being chased around by someone on a wheelchair, donít I? I know I know I know and Im so embarassed. :o But heís a scary guy, honest. But he has stopped, probably because Iím less appealing than I was back then, HAHA, I donít know.

But anyhow, nowadays, I see him on the streets allllllll the time, and every time I see him, I just look at him in disgust and mumble curse words to myself. But I no longer avoid him, or walk another five blocks JUST to get around him Ďcause that would show that I am afraid. Yeah, well, I am sort of, but he doesnít need to know that. And he hasnít done anything anymore. Iím just waiting for the day when he moves out of the neighborhood Ďcause the sight of his face just makes me wanna roll him down a staircase. (Iím evil, I know.)

As for the second person, I can't. He's someone I know and interact with every day, and I just can't. Sorry. But I'm positive that he isn't doing the same thing to six-year-olds so that's no problem. Iím pooooositive about that. One day, I just hope to forget.

You know, when I was younger, I didnít like eating either, hence I was sooo skinny. In fact, I was sorta like a vegetarian simply because I didnít like meat. (But at the time, I didnít know I was a vegetarian Ďcause that wasnít part of my vocabulary yet.) Anyway, all I ate were noodles every meal and would refuse to eat anything elseó spaghetti, mac and cheese, chow mein, anything pasta-y. Imagine the horror Pam is implanting on me when she threatens me with them!! :eek: (Joking). And when I was hungry, I always said I wasn't.. AND I exercised, lol. But anyway, somewhere a long the line, something happened, and I started eating meat, and now TOO much meat, and now look at me, LOL. I think it's my body trying to make up for all the fat I didn't have as a kid?? It's finally haunting me, lol. So, we're sorta the same, only you took a different path than I-- both which are unfortunately, bad.

But seriously!!! Enough about me, Iím being too awfully selfish here. But I don't want you to EVER feel that you're talking about yourself too much, because frankly, you're not. And plus, we all enjoy hearing from you, no doubt!! But me, once I start talking, I canít seem to get myself to stop, so please forgive meó not only for that, but also for rudely barging in on your post to Pam, as well.. :o

I understand what you mean when you would picture yourself being petit and graceful for ballet purposes, and how you wanted to be small height/weightwise when you were growing up. I used to have the same thoughts with figure skating 'cause I love skating, and I thought of the same things. Now, I DEFINITELY don't have the body for it, LOL and am certainly too old to learn! But anyhow, somewhat like you, I was always short (not saying you're short), and I remember how I always wanted to be the short-EST, and hence would bend down and slouch and whatnot. I wanted to be small, like you. Of course, it hasnít done ANYTHING good for me now, haha. Now, I wish I were taller, (I am SOO short and I don't believe I'll be growing any taller, LOL)... ironically, of course.. haha.. Now that I finally got what Ii wanted, I don't want it anymore. If I'm a wee bit taller, maybe Iíll look skinnier.
But uh.. I guess itís normal, isnít it? I meanófor a kid to imagine things like that. Itís almost as if we didnít want to stop becoming kids, and hence we constantly wanted the body OF a kidósmall, fragile, etc. Understand?

And regarding the sign of weakness to admit you were illó same here. And I STILL believe that very strongly. Whenever I'm sick, I'm expected to tend for myself. To Take my own medicine, know what and whatnot to eat, etc. I suspect it was same for you? Although I may be totally off.. And if I am, then Iím awfully sorry.

And please donít say you have failed, because you have NOT!!! Absolutely not!! Just try to think of this as another one of the many obstacles you were just chosen to face in your life. And of course, as we all know, after the obstacles, thereís always a reward, right? In this case, a new healthier, more beautiful, graceful, and charming you! This will only help you to become stronger, you hear?

And I am confused as to what triggered you when you were 14. Maybe Iím just not reading between the lines or you have mentioned it in a previous post, but Iím sorry, I cannot recall.

The average weight for a 12 year old girl, just so you know is 95 pounds. You were only 3 pounds off, and you said you were quite taller than your peers, so I would say you were average.

Well, Rory, of couuuurse youíve made friends. I donít approve of your drinking to please them, BUT, I wouldnít understand how you wouldnít have. Youíre SUCH an intelligent, charming young lady, who WOULDNíT like you?? Silly. ;)
Hiya Ms. Quenchskater!!

I hope you can find a job because I think it would be good for you in many ways, like the last one was. There's no doubt you have low self-esteem, and that job, plus the environment, in general, made you feel good about yourself, for a change! You have cash register experience so you should be able to find a job somewhere around your neighborhood. Many times they put signs in windows, so, this summer, go on walks in your neighborhood...or, do you have little local papers? If so, look in those. A little effort is all it will take, and no negative thoughts!!! Be determined! Seek and ye shall find!! And all that... :D I know it's not easy to go in and apply, but what is the worst that can happen? You'll be nervous and a bit afraid, and maybe you won't get the job....but if you keep trying, every time gets a bit easier. And when you finally do find a job, you can save for ice skates and learn yourself. It's really not hard, just make sure your laced up tight for ankle support, then, just practice standing for balance. The "walk" in them. The short glides. Like anything, it just takes practice!! No one is ever too old to learn. Could you be a professional?? probably not, but the main thing is, it's something you want to do, so do it!! Watch other skaters and imitate them. You probably would meet people there who can teach you some things. No one taught me, I taught myself, and I actually got to where I could do some pretty impressive not falling every other minute. :D No, actually I could skate pretty fast, skate backward, do slow spins, and it was just all practice......and falls. LOL And getting back up and trying again. I LOVED to skate and that was my motivation. And I was a chub then, too, BTW, but I still did it. So you DEFINITELY can!!!

Re 'puter, I have Win98, and the mouse??? is just a mouse I think - nothing fancy. But as far as scrolling, I use the mouse for that, or, the arrow keys. Or is that what you meant?? but here's the other think I'm also noticing now - things are sluggish and jerky, like the cursor is all weird now, flashing?? And using the space bar is jerky. Everything seems strange and messed up. Yes, I leave the computer on because I hate booting. I just turn the monitor off. But YIKES!!! I haven't checked any of my files, pictures, etc, so I don't know if I'm missing anything. Now I'm not sure if I want to look. :D So you think you might know what the problem is??? Wow, if you could tell me, I'd sooooo appreciate it!!! I have been fiddling but nothing is working, and I'm only making some things worse. Like the fonts are now different, too. It's like an alien 'puter - someone took it in the middle of the night and replaced it with this...this.....WHATEVER it is. LOL

Eating raw fruits and veggies is actually the best way. So many of your eating habits are pretty good. Your mom seems to know there's a bit of a problem, so can you tell her the rest? or, at least a few more things? She knows you've gained, so that's the main thing. Can you ask her to bring home more fruits, at least 3 different kinds? I'm assuming she's buying what's on sale and then getting a lot of it. I have a tendency to do that, too....but then I get sick of it. :D Better to have a variety, which, I think, would help you a lot, I think, and hopefully your mom will do this for you. No microwave? Hmmm, that does make things a bit more difficult. Well, what time do you normally have dinner, and then what time do you go to bed? If there is at least a 3 hour difference, it should be OK. So, just have a snack when you come home from school, then some fruit &/or veggies in the evening, and then try really hard to have nothing more until your mom fixes dinner. All you have to do is TRY this - try this for just ONE night, for example, and then tell me how it went, if it was manageable. I keep reading that you should never let yourself get too hungry, as that's when we get into trouble and have a tendency to pick the wrong foods. Like cookies. LOL

You're right - I'd forgotten what you said about a banana, and I'm going to buy some and do that. Actually, I love ice cream with bananas and chocolate syrup, but I haven't done that in a long time. It would mean less ice cream, so I will do that! Definitely!!!

Yep, that's what I thought about "Chinese" food...but I have seen Chinese in these restaurants eating, and what they eat doesn't look like stuff on the menu. There was this Chinese restaurant near where we used to live in Illinois, and their food was sooooo good (where we live now, Chinese food isn't as good, and we've tried a few) But Chinese who would eat there mostly ate fish and vegetables. I remember this one time, they were brought a big dish of broccoli and that's all I think it was??!! And there were other veggies, too...and some sort of white fish. And they were slim. LOL We used to go to "Chinatown" in Chicago sometimes. I paid attention - I NEVER saw an overweight Chinese person!! So I know they eat waaaay more healthy than we Westerners, for sure.

I think you're done growing, sweetie. Eating more food won't make you grow taller, and if you're done growing, the only way you'll grow is in width, unfortunately. And using food for rewards...YIKES!!! That's how I was raised and look what happened to me. Tell your mom you'd rather have other glasses!!! LOL And I'm sorry, but I REALLY do think all of your academic struggles are largely because you are having such a hard time seeing books, papers, etc. It seems you can talk to your mom easier...can you try again when your dad isn't home?? I REALLY don't think either of them understand how bad your vision is. The ONLY way they will know is if you tell them. And you really do need to, and I know you know that.

OK!! All for now!! Hope you have a great day!!!!

Char/pam :wave:

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