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[QUOTE=Aurora]Hello peeps, :wave: ,
I am not really understanding how you all keep saying you are proud of me. For what, I'm the idiot who starved herself to the point of emaciation. Who suddenly decided to chicken out before I got to my ideal look.
Char-broiled HAhahahahahahah, I love it! Anyway Pampompom in answer to your question my darling husband finds it a struggle to cope with me sometimes. He gets so sad and scared that he will lose me. I use food as a weapon too when I am irritable eg, 'Well if you hadn't said that maybe I would have eaten something but now I just can't bear to.' So as you see I am an evil b***h from hell. I feel like I spend my whole life apologising for being so grumpy all the time. My husband spends the whole time teliing me it doesn't matter. But it does matter, and if I am truthful then I am only getting help because of him. Which may not make it easy in the long run as I think you really need to want it yourself.
Anyway, yes if I ask a question about you then I do want to see your answer. You can't come and dish out all this advice and be the one helping everyone else. Thats how your life is currently, you came on here so you could have your say too! ;)
So ok its not going that well for you at the moment. So we need to think how to tackle it differently. Ok so I have some questions but don't answer if you don't want to. Do you binge on specific foods, like the ice cream that you mentioned previously? The reason I ask is that there is a theory that if binge eaters can bear to surround themselves with lots of junk food but also lots of fresh fruit, then after a couple of weeks they start to crave the more healthy stuff. They did a really big study into it. The idea is to really stock up your cupboards. Then you start to see you don't have to finish that last ice cream tub, or bar of chocolate, because there is always more there. Too much even for you to binge it all. I don't know if it makes sense, maybe you could search the net to see if you can read up the theory. I read it in a book a while back, so I'll try to remember the name of it.
Quenchbench - Charcoal is right. I believe in self-fulfiling prophecies. But even if you don't, you cant be expected to support your parents when you get older. You will be having a family of your own and your money will be needed to buy yourself and your family a home and whatever else you require.
Em, I really think you should get some more sleep sweetie. Glad you like the myths of the english, more coming soon....
Hope you are all ok
Big hugs from H xoxoxo :bouncing:[/QUOTE]

Hiya Aury!!!

Before I forget, I wanted to tell you something you said in a post about 2 back. It was your response to what I had said about you "running, screaming out the door". In the response post, you said that you did have some thoughts about "upping and leaving", but at first I misread that - I thought you said you had thoughts about "upping and heaving"...I actually stopped to reread and then chuckled a bit.....I am so WICKED....because upping and heaving, of course, could have fit as well. I do hope you see a bit of humor in that...I am NOT making fun, please understand...I just hope you understand what I'm trying to say about the puns!!!!!

And I love Pampompom...and do I detect a bit of hidden meaning in that? For when I think of pom poms, I think of cheering, and I do try to cheer people on a bit, because we all do need it so much. And you are VERY courageous - you did not "chicken out" - it was courage that caused you go into recovery, to try to stop the inevitable, had you continued on this path. And what is this word "idiot"?????? WHO is the person who says we should not be do down on ourselves????? Because then I'm an idiot, too, for allowing what has happened to my grotesque body. We have ED's - we are intelligent people who somehow meandered on a bit of a self-destructive path, we are/were lost, need to find our way back....and recognize that even intelligent people lose their way sometimes.

Oh MYYYYY, I am at a loss for words re your hub, and all you said re food as a weapon. It was difficult to read, my dear, but at least I'm certain that while that was an amazing admission, I know you know that..........I know you know.

Thank you soooo much for your concern and interest in me, and your thoughts about fruit, etc. Actually, I do love fruit, veggies, too - a bit od a dychotomy, hmmm? I have lots of these on hand and I eat them because I must...but I also love potatoes, rice dishes, pasta, steak, fried chicken, etc, etc. The biggest problem is that I am soooo hungry by night, so I eat too much...and night is the worst time to be ravenous, of course. And then because I'm up late, and because I adore ice cream....well, I do fill the bowl with is more of a habit, I think, but such a pleasurable one. Every day I say I will NOT eat ice cream....but by night......the resolve fades to oblivion. Yes, there are other better options in the fridge....I just don't CRAVE them. And I can't keep ice cream out of the house, because I have a very thin hub who enjoys it, but never gains. GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!! And when I have been on diets in the past, and stick with lean things and fruits a veggies, weeks of being on the diet, the horrible craving for all that I shouldn't eat NEVER subsides. It is why I am fat, and why this is an ED. GRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is why I am in awe of you...awesome Aura......AWErora!!!! And I must also tell you that I'm sooooo enjoying getting to know you. You have made strides to beat your ED, and by so doing, you inspire me. It's 10am here, so hopefully you have made it thru another day with terrific success!!!!!!!!

Sorry to have given you all such a fright..
You see, I got on a scale a few weeks back and found out that I had gained 15 pounds since I started bingeing (Another five since I last weighed myself). And I was just so upset because I thought that I have lost something, but I didnít. So I decided that that was the last straw. And that if no one could really help me, then I was gonna discipline myself. So Iíve been hurting myself... Every time I wanted to eat, I would inflict pain. Basically, I wanted to put myself into the most pain but least harmfully and undetectably, you know? Moreover, I wanted to isolate myself from everyone else and put myself in the hot seat to incriminate myself silly. Hence I concluded that I didnít deserve to be happy, and that I deserved the pain for being ever so feeble and moronic. And I convinced myself that I didnít even deserve to speak with any of you until I have changed my ways. So every time I wanted to come to the boards, Iíd refrained from it. Iíd pace back and forth and intentionally drive myself to anguish. I wanted so much to come here and post my heart out, but I didnít allow myself to. I wanted to see myself suffer. I thought this mightíve workedóThat maybe if I took away something I really looked forward to every day, then I mightíve been able to get my act back together to get what I wanted. Sorta like ďif [I]p[/I], then [I]q[/I],Ē you know? But that didnít work because I knew that I couldíve gotten [I]q[/I] regardless of what I was doing. And surprisingly, after a few weeks, I actually became accustomed to not coming here; therefore it wasnít a punishment anymore, so I decided to come back. Food is just too powerfulÖ But I didnít stop to think that you guys mightíve been worried or anything and Iím sorry about that. I didnít really think you would be.

But in spite of this, instead of reducing my calorie intake, my attempts to improve has actually INCREASED it, and Iím bingeing more frequent than ever. And I wouldnít stop until I was entirely stuffed, had an aching stomach, was nauseous, couldnít move, and until there was absolutely no way I couldíve eaten anything else. And then, as I began to feel better and my stomach relieved a bit, which was almost immediately after, Iíll start again, which is utterly disgusting. Iíve never seen myself eat so much before. And itís almost as if Iíve forgotten how it is to feel ďhungry.Ē Oh yeah, and Pam, it IS possible to gain a pound in one meal. 3500 calories equals one pound. 3500? Thatís like nothing to meósadly. I can literally feel my pants getting tighter and tighter day by dayÖ and every time I swallow something I can feel it piling up in my stomach. And I feel like the whole world is watching and observing. At school, many people comment about my ďflubberĒ and just two days ago, my dad felt around my waist and he told me that he was certain I was gonna be a fat [email protected] when I grow older. And he mentioned at I had a fat a$$-- again. Arggghh!!! And when he left the room, I felt my waist as well, the way he was feeling it so that Iíll have a better sense of how much fat he had felt. And itís trueÖI have huge tires running around my waist and I hate it!! Then I looked in the mirroróyep, thatís one chunk of fat hanging from my behind, all right! :mad: And that just got me so upset, and the more upset I got, the more I ate, and the more I ate, the more upset I got. Yet, the less I ate, the more urges I got TO eat, and the more urges to got TO eat, the more I ate, and well, you get the point. I mean, Iím not even overweightÖIím just mounted in FAT!!! And I just eat way too much! Pretty soon, though, I WILL be overweight b/c the number on the scale is just flying colors. And not only that, but Iím extremely short too, which makes me look even fatter.

And you know whatís even worse? Iím such a dope. Iím now lying to myself. When Iím counting calories, and the numbers seem too high, Iíll round down. Iíd tell myself, ďNah, this CANíT be 800 calories. Letís say itís 500.Ē When in fact it IS 800!! And if I ate 13 slices of breadÖ Iíll put down 10 slices. ďItís only three less. Probably wonít make a difference anyway.Ē Wrong, again, Dumbo!! And there were times when I felt so guilty for doing so that Iíll exercise until I dropped. But obviously those 10 minutes of exercising is doing no good given Iím eating a trillion times more!!! If not that, then I would just stay up all night, pinch the fat on my stomach and cry myself to sleep.

And school has just been SO hectic lately. I have SO many upcoming tests, but I just canít seem to concentrate. I know I NEED to pass, and I know I SO desperately NEED to study, but I canít. Iíve been on page 1 for the past 5 days. (Pathetic, huh?) I donít wanna fail anymore examsó I really, really, really donít. But every time I pick up a book or something, I get so discouraged by one, itís thickness, and two, the lack of time. I always think, ďIím gonna fail anyway, so why bother studying?Ē
ďThereís not enough time left to study. What can I remember in two hours anyway?Ē
ďThis book is too thick, Iíll never finish itÖĒ etc. Perhaps the reason why is because I know itís true, but I donít want to think like that, honest. But I canít help it. And so, ultimately, I DONíT study. Instead, I go and grab a snack or something and thatís when all the trouble starts! And then when the day of the test comes, I either fail or do very poorly on it. :( Iíve had some people tell me to cheat. And Iím wondering to myself, ďHow the heck can I cheat when I canít even see my neighborís paper?Ē I canít cheat even if I WANTED to, haha. :rolleyes:

And thank you all for the birthday wishes. Although it wasnít a happy oneóI didnít even get a party and hardly anyone remembered it. The new year just started out horribly.

And I donít understand the ďboard interventionĒ thing. What does it mean for the board to intervene? And why is it surprising that the boards did not? Did I do something wrong? And Pam, why did you hope for that? Did you want me gone..? Sorry for throwing out questions, but Iím lost. :confused:

Demi: Iím so glad to hear that school is over for you. I canít even imagine the relief you must be feeling right now. Itís finally over!!! So, what are your plans for the summer?

Aury: I was reading your posts, and you really frightened me when you said that you didnít wanna go back. But Iím so glad to hear that youíve decided to return. And William sounds like a swell guy and Iím so glad that youíve met him.
And Iím fairly concerned about your kidneys. I hope they will be restored to its full capacity soon, even though you said that it isnít likelyó but I still hope for it! Your trip to the hospital mustíve been a fright. Iím so glad youíre back, though. Just take care of yourself, okay? And just keep eating, just keep eating, eating, eating! (Like Dorey, only she swims). And Iím sorry to hear about your unsympathetic friends. I wouldnít call them selfish, though. In fact, I think they are saying the things they say and doing the things they do BECAUSE they care about you. I think theyíre only trying to help, but are approaching things the wrong way. I strongly believe that they are criticizing you in attempt to trigger a change for the betterónot to make you feel worse. After all, they ARE your friends. And I donít believe they would want to hurt you intentionally.

Pam: Maybe Iím a bit too late to cheer you on, but Iím SO glad everythingís okay with your hubby!!! I bet he was just SO delightedó exhausted, yesóbut nonetheless delighted to see you again and vice versa, of course! Itís so sweet that you two didnít wanna be separated. He sounds like such a supportive and caring person given he was concerned about your privacy and whatnot. Youíre just SO lucky to have someone who loves you so much and are bonded to in such a strong marriage!! And Iím sorry to hear youíre still sick. Hope you feel better soon!!
And you say that all your sister in law talks about is herself? Well, what about herself does she talk about? Maybe itís something important she wants to tell you about? A problem, perhaps? Maybe a secret she wants to tell you, but keeps putting it off, and hence she just goes on and on about herself, instead? Sometimes when people have troubles, they tend to forget about others. Either that or they just want to talk about themselves. Maybe Iím thinking too much, but itís just a thought.

So, youíve been doubting my telling the truth? I donít believe it. Iím not lying about any of this, honest. Just because you canít ďconceive of such parentsĒ doesnít mean they donít exist or Iím making things upÖThereís just so much more I havenít told you, and maybe if I did, it would clarify things a little bit more? I donít know. Plus, it wouldnít make sense for me to lie about something so stupid, and what reason would I have for it? If I intended to lie, I wouldíve come up with something a bit more engaging than this, donít you think? Why would I run around telling everyone I canít see when I have the option of telling everyone I were a, sayÖ pro-skater, instead?? Heck, I wouldíve told yíall I was married with ten kids, have traveled to the moon six times, had telepathic powers, and is currently on the run for homicide! (Scared yet? :p) Moreover, I would have continued to lead yíall to believe I was Janice. ;)

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