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[QUOTE=dilemma]hi char,

first of all, i wanted to say "yay!" for you sticking with your diet. :D . but try not to think of it as that. just think of it as you being good to yourself and only giving your body the best! with every bite of crisp salad greens and scrumptious chicken, you're feeding your cells exactly what they need: healthy carbs, fats and proteins, and vitamins/minerals too!! keep it up, i'm proud of you! (and that's [I]not[/I] conditional. no matter what, i'm here cheering you on, okay? i want to be here for you whether you're having a good day or a not so good day :) )

sorry about this, but i'm going to have to rant...

argh!! i'm so mad at myself today! :mad: the day was going great, the weather was amaaaaaaazing, and then at dinner i fell into my old habits again... i do try to put only healthy things on my plate, and i do try to stop at one helping, but then the little voice in my head has to go and ruin everything!!! it just won't keep quiet, and i feel like i should be chained or handcuffed to my chair so that i won't get up and get something else. actually, they might need to bolt the chair to the ground so as to prevent my dragging it up to the food :rolleyes: . then after dinner, i had the urge to eat more. it's always after i overeat a little that i want to eat more. it's like i can't even think about food without wanting some, you know? and that's a really bad thing, cuz most of the time, i AM thinking about food. so i went to go get cookies and chocolate and now my teeth hurt and my stomach is yelling at me. *sigh*. i know i need to try harder. and i know i should stay positive, but sometimes i just don't want to. no, i take that back. i DO want to, but how do i make my actions and thoughts agree with what's in my heart? how can i do what's best for myself and my body? :( . it's so silly. here i am giving advice on how to avoid bingeing, but when it comes to myself, i just go for it. i'm walking up to get more food in the dining hall, or i'm walking to the store to buy food, and on my way, i'm thinking, you know you don't need this. you're not even hungry. you don't even LIKE the food. WHY ARE YOU GOING UP AND GETTING MORE?? WHY ARE YOU PUTTING IT IN YOUR MOUTH? but i ignore all of that, and it's like i'm almost eating to shut the thoughts up. but i just want to know what's wrong with me, and what is making me WANT to eat in the first place. it's soooo hard. especially here at school, where i feel no one really understands. and i keep up a pretty good pretense, always smiling, and being helpful. but inside, i'm all questions. and i feel so guilty. why am i not happy? content? i have so much. a good family, parents who love me, an amazing older sister, friends both here and at home who care about me, i'm in college--learning and being exposed to so much and have so many opportunities. so why do i constantly feel like i need to fill myself up? why am i never satisfied with myself? do i even KNOW what i want? :confused: . don't worry, i start therapy next week--my first appointment is wednesday. and i'm a bit scared. but at the same time, can't wait to get started. it's like a part of me doesn't want to let go of the bad habits, you know? but then every other part is dying to break free!! it's hard for me to just go on a diet. i mean, i do want to lose this excess weight. but last year i had trouble even then. i lost a lot of weight but still wasn't "satisfied", i look at pictures now and think, wow i looked great. yet at the time, i still thought i was "fat". actually, not fat but also not thin enough. it was getting to be a different form of bad habit. but now i wish i had it back. no, i don't--i just want to be normal again, whatever that means. because no matter how big or small we get, nothing will make us happy until we love ourselves inside and out. i know that now. do you think working on the "self-love" and getting that will get rid of the eating problem automatically? perhaps it's wishful thinking. but i just want to stop having these negative thoughts.

anyhow... thanks so much for your kind words:). yes, hitting the bed with your husband in it is definitely a bad idea :nono: hehe ;) . but everything i said before is true. and i'm so glad you've come into my life as well. we can do this. i'm keeping you in my thoughts and hopefully, i will remember your words next time i want to be irrational and overeat. don't you wish sometimes we didn't have to eat to live? then we could just banish all food from our lives and get over it. but i know that wouldn't really solve anything... we'd probably end up turning to something else.

okay, have a wonderful evening!

~emma[/QUOTE]

Hi Ms Emma Dilemma
I somehow missed this post of yours - didn't mean to ignore it!! Well, here it is, Easter morning, my hubby is still sleeping ( he works swing shift at a casino where he's a slot technician. We live in NV - when you live in NV, that's what you do. You work in a casino. Ha! )

Anyhoo, my son just left to go spend some time with his gf, so the house is quiet, I'm sipping my coffee, and hoping you girls are having a wonderful Easter. I know Janice is with her fam in FL., but what about you, Em?? I hope you were able to go home and be with your fam, too. I would be soooo sad for you if you have to be alone in a dorm over Easter.

You know, you were talking about eating, and why do you eat when you're not hungry, know you shouldn't, etc. - I could have written that. That's exactly how it is for me, too - that's why they call it "compulsive" overeating. We are compelled to eat even tho we're not hungry. I'm glad you are starting therapy...I have been in therapy for about 3 months, but so far...and not to bum you or anything...but it's not doing a gosh darned thing for me AT ALL. I hope it will help YOU, tho...and if it does, you can explain to me how it helps, and why!!?? We compulsive overeaters have something inside us that says to 'just do it"...don't stop to think if you really need it, just do it because you WANT to, and think of nothing else except fulfilling the urge. I have no self-restraint. NONE!!!!!!!!! Because........I fell last night, and I fell hard......meaning, off the diet wagon. The ice cream SCREAMED at me from the freezer!!!! I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo angry at myself!!!! And I feel so bad, because now I feel like I've failed you girls, too. I feel that, because I'm old enough to be your mothers, that I should be setting a good example here...and I've wanted to help you girls more than I have even wanted to help myself. In fact, that maybe by helping you both, I could help myself, too. You girls are sooo young, you have long and happy lives ahead of you. I soooo hate seeing you both suffering like this at such a young age. I was a pudge as a teen, too, and it wasn't fun having friends who were ALL slim. I felt so....alone, and out of place. Even then I dieted, too, but NEVER could seem to get down to their sizes, usually about an 8, while I never made it past a 14 from a 16, tho I could stuff myself into a 12 if it ran big. :rolleyes: But I do remember how hard it was, when all my slim friends and I would go to the hangout after school (like a Mc Donalds-type place) and they would eat fries, cokes, even hamburgers or shakes, and I didn't dare. I have to say that, back then, I wasn't compulsive about eating...that has only been in recent years, and when I recognized that I had a MAJOR problem with food.

Maybe the reason you are a compulsive overeater is because of stress. It's not easy to be away from family, to have to be on your own, worry about tests and grades...so you turn to food as comfort. Food IS a comfort, unfortunately. It reminds us of home and mothers who cooked it. Even now, and even tho I have been motherless since I was 24...a LONG time ago....I still want the foods she used to cook, and have the ice cream that was always plentiful in the freezer. Sigh....

I wish I had the answers, but I don't. I do continue to feel that we just have to take it one meal at a time. To try to ignore that voice inside of us ( I have it, too) that urges us on, and that doesn't stop until we have silenced it with food. I do sooooo understand everything that you wrote. All we can do is keep trying, trying, and trying some more...never stop trying!! And maybe, who knows, some day we will be in control...and eat to live, and not live to eat. I want so desperately to find that day. I have to trust that's ahead somewhere, and that we will all get there.

Well, I hope you have a very Happy Easter!!! Write when you can , Ms Emma Dilemma, and you, too, Janice!!!

Hugs
Char
[QUOTE=Charlyssa]This is for both Janice and Dilemma -

I just want you both to know you have brought me joy, and have brightened my life. I just finished reading both your posts and I'm still smiling. I feel as tho I have added 2 more daughters. :) it's nearly 10 pm girls (where I live, anyway, which is NV) so I'm pooped...but, I promise I'll be back "on board" tomorrow to answer your posts. :yawn: Ooops, sorry for that. Old age!! Talk to you tomorrow!!

Hugs!!
Char :wave:[/QUOTE]Charlyssa, I have no words to describe you. Your words are beyond me. You are just fill of compliments. Like I said before, you are by far the kindest person I have ever met. Absolutely amazing. Thank you for that.
[quote]I should say right up front that I dare not tell you what you should be eating and how many calories. I'm just a mom, not a Dr. I would THINK 1500 calories might be about right for a teen, especially if you're active, heck, maybe even a bit more. I wish I could remember what I read somewhere about how to calculate this according to your weight...but I don't, sorry!! If you lost weight before, tho, just do what you did then. Just nothing drastic, because you don't want to get sick. Maybe the best thing to do is just eat less of everything you would normally eat. I've heard that if you are "full" when you leave the table, you have eaten too much. And no snacks. Or soda pop, unless it's diet. Sometimes simple changes like that are all you need to do...and no desserts, of course. GASP!!!

My youngens are a son, 29, and a daughter, 26...and I don't look old enough to have kids that old. I usually lie about their ages.
[/quote]1500? I go far beyond that!! :eek: Worst of all, I'm not active at all. I participate in absolutely no sports, and when I do, it's only for a few minutes at a time. I honestly cannot recall my eating habits during the summer that had caused me to lose weight. I just exercised an awful lot. And I was never bored or anything, so I really had no reason to eat more than I needed to. I don't know, I just felt like I was just on a row and high-spirited at the time. How I wish I can find that again. Soda I have no problem with, but it's the snacks that get to me. I can't get my hands off sweets-- candy, cookies, and the sort. It's yummy, haha.
[quote]We had chicken last night, actually. My hub ate the dumplings, I didn't. Just chicken, cottage cheese and slad for me. Diets are not fun, and I soooo fear I will not be able to stand it much longer!!!![/quote]Chickens are our friends, too. :) But don't fear that you might not be able to stand it much longer! I know you will. We ALL know you will. You're on the right track and you're heading in the right direction, which means, you will, absolutely positively succeed sometime in the future. I guess these things just takes TIME. If only we can fast-forward without aging, huh?
[quote]
argh!! i'm so mad at myself today! the day was going great, the weather was amaaaaaaazing, and then at dinner i fell into my old habits again... i do try to put only healthy things on my plate, and i do try to stop at one helping, but then the little voice in my head has to go and ruin everything!!! it just won't keep quiet, and i feel like i should be chained or handcuffed to my chair so that i won't get up and get something else. actually, they might need to bolt the chair to the ground so as to prevent my dragging it up to the food . then after dinner, i had the urge to eat more. it's always after i overeat a little that i want to eat more. it's like i can't even think about food without wanting some, you know? and that's a really bad thing, cuz most of the time, i AM thinking about food. so i went to go get cookies and chocolate and now my teeth hurt and my stomach is yelling at me. *sigh*. i know i need to try harder. and i know i should stay positive, but sometimes i just don't want to. no, i take that back. i DO want to, but how do i make my actions and thoughts agree with what's in my heart? how can i do what's best for myself and my body? . it's so silly. here i am giving advice on how to avoid bingeing, but when it comes to myself, i just go for it. i'm walking up to get more food in the dining hall, or i'm walking to the store to buy food, and on my way, i'm thinking, you know you don't need this. you're not even hungry. you don't even LIKE the food. WHY ARE YOU GOING UP AND GETTING MORE?? WHY ARE YOU PUTTING IT IN YOUR MOUTH? but i ignore all of that, and it's like i'm almost eating to shut the thoughts up. but i just want to know what's wrong with me, and what is making me WANT to eat in the first place. it's soooo hard. especially here at school, where i feel no one really understands. and i keep up a pretty good pretense, always smiling, and being helpful. but inside, i'm all questions. and i feel so guilty. why am i not happy? content? i have so much. a good family, parents who love me, an amazing older sister, friends both here and at home who care about me, i'm in college--learning and being exposed to so much and have so many opportunities. so why do i constantly feel like i need to fill myself up? why am i never satisfied with myself? do i even KNOW what i want? . don't worry, i start therapy next week--my first appointment is wednesday. and i'm a bit scared. but at the same time, can't wait to get started. it's like a part of me doesn't want to let go of the bad habits, you know? but then every other part is dying to break free!! it's hard for me to just go on a diet. i mean, i do want to lose this excess weight. but last year i had trouble even then. i lost a lot of weight but still wasn't "satisfied", i look at pictures now and think, wow i looked great. yet at the time, i still thought i was "fat". actually, not fat but also not thin enough. it was getting to be a different form of bad habit. but now i wish i had it back. no, i don't--i just want to be normal again, whatever that means. because no matter how big or small we get, nothing will make us happy until we love ourselves inside and out. i know that now. do you think working on the "self-love" and getting that will get rid of the eating problem automatically? perhaps it's wishful thinking. but i just want to stop having these negative thoughts. [/quote]Emma- my goodness. You must be my long lost twin somewhere-- only you're five years older. ;) But anyway, I can relate to everything you said. Everything. Your monologe has sadden me and touched me greatly. Don't be mad at yourself. It's okay. Just get up, and try again. It's no use to get angry at yourself 'cause that'll only make you feel worse and that can't be healthy now, can it? [quote]thanks for your advice. and don't starve yourself!! . anyhow, if only i could limit myself to one plate. and read above about the eating slowly thing. maybe if i tell myself i'm just doing it for fun. hmm... why don't we do that? you, me, and char. let's tell ourselves that just for this next week, we're going to try and eat as slowly as possible just for the heck of it. and at the end of each meal or snack, if we've really eaten as slowly as possible--i'm talking 22 chews per bite and a 5 second pause between to sip water--we'll give ourselves something (a dollar, a sticker, a hug). then at the end of the week, we can treat ourselves to something bigger--like a massage or a hot tub. (haha... i only wish i could get either of those). but you know what i mean, right? if we think of it as a game, it might not be as torturous. [/quote]Wow, some game, haha. I'll be surprised if I didn't quit after the first round. It's like the opposite Hungry Hungry Hippos.
[QUOTE=Quencher]Pam:
Re the comp problemóI have a feeling as to what it could be. But Iím not quite certain yet from your description. Are ALL the colors distorted? Or just some of them? Do the colors seem darker to you? And less colorful, so to speak?

Yeah, Iím quite bored and lonely most of the time. And like I said before, I donít think that my dad is linked to my eating since I SEE no connection. But Aury/Louisa suggest that it is. Plus, he does all that stuff [i]usually[/i] at night when I'm asleep, or am getting ready for bed. So, that doesn't really gimme any time to eat afterwards. I just fall back asleep, haha. I donít know. Itís all so complicated.

And youíre sorta right about my liking fruits/veggies. During lunch, I FORCE myself to eat it. And other times, yeah, I guess I just like Ďem. Itís hard to ONLY eat fruits/veggies, thoughÖ I like variety, I suppose. I usually donít eat breakfast because I know I will eat a lot at nightóbut I recently just started. And no, I donít really eat breakfast-type food for breakfast. Itís just me and a ham sandwich.

Iíve tried drinking a cup of water before eating-thing, but I donít know. Iím still not ďfullĒ afterwards. And sometimes, too much water makes my tummy bloat and it feels really, really uncomfortable. Oh yeah, and Iím not actually on my own during the night. My brotherís always home with me. But he doesnít quite understand what Iím doing. Plus, Iím always in the bedroom, and heís always in the living room, so he doesnít realize. And I KNOW that Iím not hungry when I eat. So, when I DO eat, I donít even have to look into that.

Hmm, I honestly donít see anything wrong with your dietómaybe except for the coffee and the ice-cream, but otherwise, I would say it wereÖ uhh, pretty good? Compared to mine anyway. Do you have any bingeing episodes? If so, how often? Just curious. I would like to give you some advice of some sort, but I have no idea what to say. :D

Wep, I hate to tell yah but you have no control over how tall she is or how much she weighs. If it were inherited, that is. And if it was, then it just was. I donít think you can do anything about that. So, please stop feeling guilty??

I see you're online right now, but wep, I'm off to bed. It's 4am already and I'm dead-beat tired. :yawn:[/QUOTE]


Hi Ms. Quench -

Awww, sweet of you to even comment about my 'puter problem. It's just sooooo frustrating when something happens and you don't know what caused it, much less how to fix it!! One thing I didn't mention is that the night before last we had about a 10min power outage here, and I've no idea why. I think it did something the 'puter didn't like - touchy things, 'puters, ya know? Yes, it's really messed with the colors, but I'm also responsible for some of that trying to fix it...by making some things worse. I tried to fix the backround color, end ended up changing other colors, instead. Somehow, I also messed with the fonts so letters are bigger, for icons and stuff - like "Start" is twice the size it was. :rolleyes: In fact, I'm realizing that all the bottom icons are twice as big! I've really messed things up good!! I'm such a dolt. But, as for the color distortion...it makes backrounds of stuff, instead of being a solid color, like usual (even the backround color of these Boards, which are, I forget now, brownish????) Instead, the backround is like little squares of tiny dots which are red and grey. It also affects every picture you see, like on the net...they're not clear at all. So, it's like the dpi?? dpsi??? has been messed with, or something. I don't even know what I'm talking about....I'm sick of seeing dots. I have spots before my eyes!!!!! :D Anyway, I have clouds on my "Start" page, on a blue sky. Now, I have the clouds, but the sky is grey and weird-looking. To tell you the truth, I can't be sure it's a 'puter problem, or a monitor problem. I think I told you I've only been using a computer for about 1.5 years now, and most of what I know, is self-taught. I learned a LOT the hard way. :)

Well, of course I can't say positively, either way, whether the sexual abuse is responsible for your bingeing. It's just interesting that you eat normally during the day, but it starts when you get home. Course, I'm a night eater, too, but for different reasons. Oh, and I suggested eating more fruits and veggies when you're home, but not that you have to limit yourself to only those things. Just try making the snacks more of those things. And, I know it's difficult that your mom doesn't bring home dinner til late, but this is definitely part of the problem. Whatever she brings home, are there leftovers? If so, what you could do is reheat it and have it the next night for dinner, at no later than 7:30. And have your dessert right after dinner. Then, if you're hungry later, only fruits to nibble on. If you explain to your mom that you're gaining weight and need to diet, maybe she will buy you things that are better for you. BTW, my mom always used to say that you "rarely saw a fat Chinese person, because they eat so many vegetables and fish." Does your mom fix these dishes often? Because typically they're better for you, and you could probably fill up on them and not gain weight. Now see, I LOVE Chinese food, but I've heard that what is served in restaurants is not all that authentic. For example, I LOVE sweet and sour pork or chicken, but being deep fried adds calories, of course. But I love any of the chow mein or chop suey dishes and they're filled with vegetables. But I also love egg rolls and pot stickers, all fried!! And for the carbs, I love fried rice ans Chinese noodles (wet :D ) So, one CAN quickly gain weight on these things, but I've long suspected that much of it isn't very authentic, but you would know better than I. Anyway, if you just try to eat more fruits and vegetables, it will definitely help you calorically.

No, I guess I'm really not a binger, except for the nightly bowl of ice cream. I have more than a "serving", for sure!! More like 3-4 scoops. THAT is my biggest problem. I MUST have it....but I MUST learn how NOT to!!!!!!!!

Guess you're almost done with school now, huh? What will you do for the summer?

HUGS!!!!!!!!!
Char/pam :wave:





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