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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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Sorry to have given you all such a fright..
You see, I got on a scale a few weeks back and found out that I had gained 15 pounds since I started bingeing (Another five since I last weighed myself). And I was just so upset because I thought that I have lost something, but I didn’t. So I decided that that was the last straw. And that if no one could really help me, then I was gonna discipline myself. So I’ve been hurting myself... Every time I wanted to eat, I would inflict pain. Basically, I wanted to put myself into the most pain but least harmfully and undetectably, you know? Moreover, I wanted to isolate myself from everyone else and put myself in the hot seat to incriminate myself silly. Hence I concluded that I didn’t deserve to be happy, and that I deserved the pain for being ever so feeble and moronic. And I convinced myself that I didn’t even deserve to speak with any of you until I have changed my ways. So every time I wanted to come to the boards, I’d refrained from it. I’d pace back and forth and intentionally drive myself to anguish. I wanted so much to come here and post my heart out, but I didn’t allow myself to. I wanted to see myself suffer. I thought this might’ve worked—That maybe if I took away something I really looked forward to every day, then I might’ve been able to get my act back together to get what I wanted. Sorta like “if [I]p[/I], then [I]q[/I],” you know? But that didn’t work because I knew that I could’ve gotten [I]q[/I] regardless of what I was doing. And surprisingly, after a few weeks, I actually became accustomed to not coming here; therefore it wasn’t a punishment anymore, so I decided to come back. Food is just too powerful… But I didn’t stop to think that you guys might’ve been worried or anything and I’m sorry about that. I didn’t really think you would be.

But in spite of this, instead of reducing my calorie intake, my attempts to improve has actually INCREASED it, and I’m bingeing more frequent than ever. And I wouldn’t stop until I was entirely stuffed, had an aching stomach, was nauseous, couldn’t move, and until there was absolutely no way I could’ve eaten anything else. And then, as I began to feel better and my stomach relieved a bit, which was almost immediately after, I’ll start again, which is utterly disgusting. I’ve never seen myself eat so much before. And it’s almost as if I’ve forgotten how it is to feel “hungry.” Oh yeah, and Pam, it IS possible to gain a pound in one meal. 3500 calories equals one pound. 3500? That’s like nothing to me—sadly. I can literally feel my pants getting tighter and tighter day by day… and every time I swallow something I can feel it piling up in my stomach. And I feel like the whole world is watching and observing. At school, many people comment about my “flubber” and just two days ago, my dad felt around my waist and he told me that he was certain I was gonna be a fat [email protected] when I grow older. And he mentioned at I had a fat a$$-- again. Arggghh!!! And when he left the room, I felt my waist as well, the way he was feeling it so that I’ll have a better sense of how much fat he had felt. And it’s true…I have huge tires running around my waist and I hate it!! Then I looked in the mirror—yep, that’s one chunk of fat hanging from my behind, all right! :mad: And that just got me so upset, and the more upset I got, the more I ate, and the more I ate, the more upset I got. Yet, the less I ate, the more urges I got TO eat, and the more urges to got TO eat, the more I ate, and well, you get the point. I mean, I’m not even overweight…I’m just mounted in FAT!!! And I just eat way too much! Pretty soon, though, I WILL be overweight b/c the number on the scale is just flying colors. And not only that, but I’m extremely short too, which makes me look even fatter.

And you know what’s even worse? I’m such a dope. I’m now lying to myself. When I’m counting calories, and the numbers seem too high, I’ll round down. I’d tell myself, “Nah, this CAN’T be 800 calories. Let’s say it’s 500.” When in fact it IS 800!! And if I ate 13 slices of bread… I’ll put down 10 slices. “It’s only three less. Probably won’t make a difference anyway.” Wrong, again, Dumbo!! And there were times when I felt so guilty for doing so that I’ll exercise until I dropped. But obviously those 10 minutes of exercising is doing no good given I’m eating a trillion times more!!! If not that, then I would just stay up all night, pinch the fat on my stomach and cry myself to sleep.

And school has just been SO hectic lately. I have SO many upcoming tests, but I just can’t seem to concentrate. I know I NEED to pass, and I know I SO desperately NEED to study, but I can’t. I’ve been on page 1 for the past 5 days. (Pathetic, huh?) I don’t wanna fail anymore exams— I really, really, really don’t. But every time I pick up a book or something, I get so discouraged by one, it’s thickness, and two, the lack of time. I always think, “I’m gonna fail anyway, so why bother studying?”
“There’s not enough time left to study. What can I remember in two hours anyway?”
“This book is too thick, I’ll never finish it…” etc. Perhaps the reason why is because I know it’s true, but I don’t want to think like that, honest. But I can’t help it. And so, ultimately, I DON’T study. Instead, I go and grab a snack or something and that’s when all the trouble starts! And then when the day of the test comes, I either fail or do very poorly on it. :( I’ve had some people tell me to cheat. And I’m wondering to myself, “How the heck can I cheat when I can’t even see my neighbor’s paper?” I can’t cheat even if I WANTED to, haha. :rolleyes:

And thank you all for the birthday wishes. Although it wasn’t a happy one—I didn’t even get a party and hardly anyone remembered it. The new year just started out horribly.

And I don’t understand the “board intervention” thing. What does it mean for the board to intervene? And why is it surprising that the boards did not? Did I do something wrong? And Pam, why did you hope for that? Did you want me gone..? Sorry for throwing out questions, but I’m lost. :confused:

Demi: I’m so glad to hear that school is over for you. I can’t even imagine the relief you must be feeling right now. It’s finally over!!! So, what are your plans for the summer?

Aury: I was reading your posts, and you really frightened me when you said that you didn’t wanna go back. But I’m so glad to hear that you’ve decided to return. And William sounds like a swell guy and I’m so glad that you’ve met him.
And I’m fairly concerned about your kidneys. I hope they will be restored to its full capacity soon, even though you said that it isn’t likely— but I still hope for it! Your trip to the hospital must’ve been a fright. I’m so glad you’re back, though. Just take care of yourself, okay? And just keep eating, just keep eating, eating, eating! (Like Dorey, only she swims). And I’m sorry to hear about your unsympathetic friends. I wouldn’t call them selfish, though. In fact, I think they are saying the things they say and doing the things they do BECAUSE they care about you. I think they’re only trying to help, but are approaching things the wrong way. I strongly believe that they are criticizing you in attempt to trigger a change for the better—not to make you feel worse. After all, they ARE your friends. And I don’t believe they would want to hurt you intentionally.

Pam: Maybe I’m a bit too late to cheer you on, but I’m SO glad everything’s okay with your hubby!!! I bet he was just SO delighted— exhausted, yes—but nonetheless delighted to see you again and vice versa, of course! It’s so sweet that you two didn’t wanna be separated. He sounds like such a supportive and caring person given he was concerned about your privacy and whatnot. You’re just SO lucky to have someone who loves you so much and are bonded to in such a strong marriage!! And I’m sorry to hear you’re still sick. Hope you feel better soon!!
And you say that all your sister in law talks about is herself? Well, what about herself does she talk about? Maybe it’s something important she wants to tell you about? A problem, perhaps? Maybe a secret she wants to tell you, but keeps putting it off, and hence she just goes on and on about herself, instead? Sometimes when people have troubles, they tend to forget about others. Either that or they just want to talk about themselves. Maybe I’m thinking too much, but it’s just a thought.

So, you’ve been doubting my telling the truth? I don’t believe it. I’m not lying about any of this, honest. Just because you can’t “conceive of such parents” doesn’t mean they don’t exist or I’m making things up…There’s just so much more I haven’t told you, and maybe if I did, it would clarify things a little bit more? I don’t know. Plus, it wouldn’t make sense for me to lie about something so stupid, and what reason would I have for it? If I intended to lie, I would’ve come up with something a bit more engaging than this, don’t you think? Why would I run around telling everyone I can’t see when I have the option of telling everyone I were a, say… pro-skater, instead?? Heck, I would’ve told y’all I was married with ten kids, have traveled to the moon six times, had telepathic powers, and is currently on the run for homicide! (Scared yet? :p) Moreover, I would have continued to lead y’all to believe I was Janice. ;)
I don’t think it was a hair-brained idea. I mean, it sounds simple enough, right? It’s also something I’ve never thought of or tried before. Plus, it’s about time I take ONE of your advice, heh? :D I’m just afraid that you’re gonna be mad at me when you see the results and then you’re gonna think I’m mocking you or something. But I promise you that I’ll try. One question, though. What if I don’t binge this week? What if I don’t binge because I’m being “monitored?” This is no offense to you, but I don’t binge when I’m being “watched.” And since I’ll be putting things down on paper and whatnot—well, I don’t know. I just can’t help but think that you’re gonna judge me, or laugh, or torment me or something. :(

And no, my dad doesn’t go all the way. He just enjoys touching and um…squeezing me in certain places. And shoving his hand up/down everything, you know what I mean. And sometimes, he attempts to take off an article of clothing but he never really succeeds in doing so. I don’t think he really intends to, either, not sure. The most he does is pull up my shirt halfway, or down my pants halfway so that it’ll reveal [I]some[/I] part of my body, but not all at once. But of course, I put it back on almost immediately after. There was only once when he saw well…everything. That was like hmm… last year or something. He barged in while I was showering. I was soooooooooo embarrassed, omg. But anyway, you’re probably not gonna believe this, but like, I’m not the one who’s naked—he is. Many times, he stands nude in front of me and tells me to well, suck ‘it’ and all… and he’ll like shove ‘it’ in my face and stuff. It’s rather disgusting if you ask me. But it’s nothing new. Does this make any sense to you?

When I said he has become more violent, well, I sorta just meant that in general. I mean, he gets mad really easily. And if something doesn’t go his way, then he’ll just go ballistic and start throwing things and hitting me, or whomever that isn’t listening to him. And no, not with wet noodles. ;)

My mom? Well, she’s at home. You see, we only have one bedroom, so basically everyone knows—everyone at home, anyway. She tells my dad to leave me alone sometimes, but that’s really all.

I know you’re confused as to why I wanna protect him. And I’ll try my best to explain this to you. But, you know— he’s my dad. I owe him a lot— for bringing me into this world in the first place, for giving me a place to live, etc etc. There’s no way I can turn him in. If I did, I won’t be able to live with myself. And I probably won’t, either. I would be inhuman and heartless. And I’ll die of guilt. Moreover, I would feel as if I was seeking vengeance or something—and I’m not that kinda person.

It’s only two more years for me. But if I told, it’ll be the REST of his life for him. I don’t have the heart to do that. I’d rather suffer myself than have him suffering for so long. I don’t care enough about myself to harm anyone else so much. I don’t want him to suffer because of ME. And I don’t want this publicized. I want my family to stay a family. I don’t want us all separated. And although I don’t like it the way it is now and I’m not happy—I think this is somehow better. And it’s the only life I know of, so it’ll be so horrific if I had to adjust to anything else. Two more years isn’t gonna kill me. Telling, on the other hand, would. Boy did that feel good, LOL.

I really wish you wouldn’t have bad feelings about yourself. Because honestly, I think you’re a great person and it’ll be a wonder if you thought the same, you know? So you’re the only one who’s responsible for how you feel, right? So wouldn’t it be great if you can somehow manipulate your feelings? And just because she talks of “her needs and wants” all the time, that doesn’t mean that yours aren’t important. Hence, it doesn’t mean you’re not important!!! What it means is that SHE thinks she’s more important than anyone else—or like you put it, self-centered. But she doesn’t HAVE to be correct, does she? In fact, I think she’s very much wrong. I’m assuming you’re gonna agree with me? :D How about just telling her that you’re not really interested in what she has to say. Or better yet—why don’t you interrupt HER once in a while so that she’ll have a taste of her own medicine? :angel:[/QUOTE]

Hiya Ms. Q, how do you do???

First and foremost, this was just a suggestion, to give it a try. I have no idea where this is going yet. This isn't even advice - I'm just curious to see what happens, that's all. There is no "right" or "wrong" in doing this. And you're not being "watched", in any sense of the word. And dear girl, I have no intention of making you feel bad, that I'm going to laugh, judge or torment you...are these the things I have been doing with you??? If so, I'm very, very sorry - these have never been my intent, for any reason, whatsoever. I told you that I care very, very much about such, I have no reason to be any of the forementioned!! I DO hope you'll forget there is any monitoring going on, that you will be accurate in saying what you eat every day....and no rounding off! :nono: However, should you choose not to binge for the entire week, and eat completely sensibly, that is up to you. As I've said, there is nothing right or wrong about this next week. I just only ask you to be honest. That's all. OK?? How about if we go from tomorrow thru next Sat., then you can post Sun or Mon. Or, you can post every night, if you want. The format is up to you!

Quench, I think it took a lot of courage to discuss this at length, about your Dad. I'm pretty speechless, however, for someone who gabs a lot and always seems to have a lot to say to everyone. But I must confess, I have no idea what to say to you about all of this. I only can say...that I have feelings of revulsion right now, and so I need to step back a bit from this
and just......I don't know, Quench. Just try to get over and accept that you have chosen to accept this, I guess. I some ways I understand how you feel, I really do...but the adult...the mother in REALLY struggling. I could argue everything statement you've made, but I know it won't help. So just keep posting to us, Quench. Remember that we care about you ohhhhh so much, OK??

I chuckled at your suggestion to interrupt her - oooh the temptation has been strong. Because I believe that sometimes people need a taste of their own medicine to understand how it feels. BUT, I just couldn't do that. I'm not going to stoop to that level...even if it's what she deserves. :D Nor, of course, could I tell her that what she says doesn't interest me.....tho I HAVE been tempted on occasion to noisily yawn. HAHAHAHAHHA!!! I'm being VERY bad right now and must beat myself with the wet noodles. I deserve it!! But you're sooo sweet to try to help - and you have, actually - just by making me feel a bit worthy!!

I hope you have a great day at school tomorrow...and don't for get you OTHER assignment!!

Char/pam :wave:
I’m sorry if I have offended you or anything. I believe you when you say that you wouldn’t do any of that stuff, however, I’m just afraid that I’m gonna disappoint you somehow. And that you might think I wasn’t taking you seriously or something. And although you say that there’s no right or wrong way in doing this, I can’t help but think that well—say, if the calorie count was too high you might go, “What is she—crazy??” or if it were too low, you might go, “That’s not considered bingeing. What is she talking about?” or if it were normal, then you might not believe me. And as for the reason for turning to food, I can’t exactly come up with any. And so, already I can picture myself answering, “Because it was breakfast time, therefore, I had to eat.” And I worry that that isn’t good enough of an explanation and that you might think that I was mocking you and being ignorant, and hence you might torment me or whatever. But you certainly haven’t done so prior… or have you? ;) Joking! I apologize if I made it sound that way. Anyway, I think I’ll post everything at once at the end of the week—you know to make everyone’s life easier. Lemme see. It’s 9pm here, and so FAR, I have no intentions to binge. I guess your “monitoring” might actually prevent me from bingeing. :p But perhaps its better to forget I’m being “monitored” so that I can just be myself and do what I normally do, but it’s hard ‘cause I’m concern as to what y’all might think and stuff. And as for being honest—that I can do. :D

Lady Grey:
Hello, there and welcome! You've made some excellent points and suggestions which are all true. It is certainly important to keep the healthy foods in mind, but there's something about healthy foods. They're just not has tempting as, for example, a chocolate bar or a scoop of ice cream, yah know? But nonetheless, still important--absolutely. I'm delighted to hear that you've successfully overcome, or is currently overcoming this. Goes to show that it IS possible. Keep up the good work![/QUOTE]

Hi, my little Quench -

Sweetie pie, you are making waaaay more of this eating/logging when & why thing than you should be. I didn't want this to be difficult or put stress on you, and if I am, then we'll just poop can the whole thing. You have enough pressure now with school and school work - maybe we should just wait until school's over? Or, we don't have to do this at all if it's going to upset you in any way. Sooooo not my intent!!! And I didn't want you to have to figure out anything for yourself, nor worry about it. Just write down exactly what you eat, when, and what you were doing/thinking right before you ate. That's it, nothing more nothing less, and to just be totally honest about it. This isn't about making you feel bad in ANY way - if anything, it's to HELP you!!! MAYBE!!! I don't know yet, it was just an idea of mine, only because I care about you, and because I know you've been VERY upset with yourself. I can't stress enough that this isn't to make you feel bad in any way, not to mock you, not to accuse you of not being accurate in what you write (and if you're NOT accurate, this whole things a waste of time, right??) and not to "MONITOR" you. YOU are monitoring yourself, if anything. As I said, this isn't a test, sweetie, it's not to make you feel bad, embarrass you,
and most CERTAINLY not to torment you. What kind of an ogre would I be?? And of course, there will be at least 3 times a day when it's meal time, so of course, you'll say what you ate, and because it was...breakfast, lunch, or dinnertime. But, as I've said, if you'd rather wait until you're done with school, then that's fine. Or, if you don't want to do this at all, that's fine, too. YOU decide, OK?? It was only a silly idea of mine, and only meant to MAYBE help, and ONLY!! because I care about you, Quencherama!!!!!!

Hope you're having a GREAT day!!!!!!!!!!


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