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Sorry to have given you all such a fright..
You see, I got on a scale a few weeks back and found out that I had gained 15 pounds since I started bingeing (Another five since I last weighed myself). And I was just so upset because I thought that I have lost something, but I didnít. So I decided that that was the last straw. And that if no one could really help me, then I was gonna discipline myself. So Iíve been hurting myself... Every time I wanted to eat, I would inflict pain. Basically, I wanted to put myself into the most pain but least harmfully and undetectably, you know? Moreover, I wanted to isolate myself from everyone else and put myself in the hot seat to incriminate myself silly. Hence I concluded that I didnít deserve to be happy, and that I deserved the pain for being ever so feeble and moronic. And I convinced myself that I didnít even deserve to speak with any of you until I have changed my ways. So every time I wanted to come to the boards, Iíd refrained from it. Iíd pace back and forth and intentionally drive myself to anguish. I wanted so much to come here and post my heart out, but I didnít allow myself to. I wanted to see myself suffer. I thought this mightíve workedóThat maybe if I took away something I really looked forward to every day, then I mightíve been able to get my act back together to get what I wanted. Sorta like ďif [I]p[/I], then [I]q[/I],Ē you know? But that didnít work because I knew that I couldíve gotten [I]q[/I] regardless of what I was doing. And surprisingly, after a few weeks, I actually became accustomed to not coming here; therefore it wasnít a punishment anymore, so I decided to come back. Food is just too powerfulÖ But I didnít stop to think that you guys mightíve been worried or anything and Iím sorry about that. I didnít really think you would be.

But in spite of this, instead of reducing my calorie intake, my attempts to improve has actually INCREASED it, and Iím bingeing more frequent than ever. And I wouldnít stop until I was entirely stuffed, had an aching stomach, was nauseous, couldnít move, and until there was absolutely no way I couldíve eaten anything else. And then, as I began to feel better and my stomach relieved a bit, which was almost immediately after, Iíll start again, which is utterly disgusting. Iíve never seen myself eat so much before. And itís almost as if Iíve forgotten how it is to feel ďhungry.Ē Oh yeah, and Pam, it IS possible to gain a pound in one meal. 3500 calories equals one pound. 3500? Thatís like nothing to meósadly. I can literally feel my pants getting tighter and tighter day by dayÖ and every time I swallow something I can feel it piling up in my stomach. And I feel like the whole world is watching and observing. At school, many people comment about my ďflubberĒ and just two days ago, my dad felt around my waist and he told me that he was certain I was gonna be a fat [email protected] when I grow older. And he mentioned at I had a fat a$$-- again. Arggghh!!! And when he left the room, I felt my waist as well, the way he was feeling it so that Iíll have a better sense of how much fat he had felt. And itís trueÖI have huge tires running around my waist and I hate it!! Then I looked in the mirroróyep, thatís one chunk of fat hanging from my behind, all right! :mad: And that just got me so upset, and the more upset I got, the more I ate, and the more I ate, the more upset I got. Yet, the less I ate, the more urges I got TO eat, and the more urges to got TO eat, the more I ate, and well, you get the point. I mean, Iím not even overweightÖIím just mounted in FAT!!! And I just eat way too much! Pretty soon, though, I WILL be overweight b/c the number on the scale is just flying colors. And not only that, but Iím extremely short too, which makes me look even fatter.

And you know whatís even worse? Iím such a dope. Iím now lying to myself. When Iím counting calories, and the numbers seem too high, Iíll round down. Iíd tell myself, ďNah, this CANíT be 800 calories. Letís say itís 500.Ē When in fact it IS 800!! And if I ate 13 slices of breadÖ Iíll put down 10 slices. ďItís only three less. Probably wonít make a difference anyway.Ē Wrong, again, Dumbo!! And there were times when I felt so guilty for doing so that Iíll exercise until I dropped. But obviously those 10 minutes of exercising is doing no good given Iím eating a trillion times more!!! If not that, then I would just stay up all night, pinch the fat on my stomach and cry myself to sleep.

And school has just been SO hectic lately. I have SO many upcoming tests, but I just canít seem to concentrate. I know I NEED to pass, and I know I SO desperately NEED to study, but I canít. Iíve been on page 1 for the past 5 days. (Pathetic, huh?) I donít wanna fail anymore examsó I really, really, really donít. But every time I pick up a book or something, I get so discouraged by one, itís thickness, and two, the lack of time. I always think, ďIím gonna fail anyway, so why bother studying?Ē
ďThereís not enough time left to study. What can I remember in two hours anyway?Ē
ďThis book is too thick, Iíll never finish itÖĒ etc. Perhaps the reason why is because I know itís true, but I donít want to think like that, honest. But I canít help it. And so, ultimately, I DONíT study. Instead, I go and grab a snack or something and thatís when all the trouble starts! And then when the day of the test comes, I either fail or do very poorly on it. :( Iíve had some people tell me to cheat. And Iím wondering to myself, ďHow the heck can I cheat when I canít even see my neighborís paper?Ē I canít cheat even if I WANTED to, haha. :rolleyes:

And thank you all for the birthday wishes. Although it wasnít a happy oneóI didnít even get a party and hardly anyone remembered it. The new year just started out horribly.

And I donít understand the ďboard interventionĒ thing. What does it mean for the board to intervene? And why is it surprising that the boards did not? Did I do something wrong? And Pam, why did you hope for that? Did you want me gone..? Sorry for throwing out questions, but Iím lost. :confused:

Demi: Iím so glad to hear that school is over for you. I canít even imagine the relief you must be feeling right now. Itís finally over!!! So, what are your plans for the summer?

Aury: I was reading your posts, and you really frightened me when you said that you didnít wanna go back. But Iím so glad to hear that youíve decided to return. And William sounds like a swell guy and Iím so glad that youíve met him.
And Iím fairly concerned about your kidneys. I hope they will be restored to its full capacity soon, even though you said that it isnít likelyó but I still hope for it! Your trip to the hospital mustíve been a fright. Iím so glad youíre back, though. Just take care of yourself, okay? And just keep eating, just keep eating, eating, eating! (Like Dorey, only she swims). And Iím sorry to hear about your unsympathetic friends. I wouldnít call them selfish, though. In fact, I think they are saying the things they say and doing the things they do BECAUSE they care about you. I think theyíre only trying to help, but are approaching things the wrong way. I strongly believe that they are criticizing you in attempt to trigger a change for the betterónot to make you feel worse. After all, they ARE your friends. And I donít believe they would want to hurt you intentionally.

Pam: Maybe Iím a bit too late to cheer you on, but Iím SO glad everythingís okay with your hubby!!! I bet he was just SO delightedó exhausted, yesóbut nonetheless delighted to see you again and vice versa, of course! Itís so sweet that you two didnít wanna be separated. He sounds like such a supportive and caring person given he was concerned about your privacy and whatnot. Youíre just SO lucky to have someone who loves you so much and are bonded to in such a strong marriage!! And Iím sorry to hear youíre still sick. Hope you feel better soon!!
And you say that all your sister in law talks about is herself? Well, what about herself does she talk about? Maybe itís something important she wants to tell you about? A problem, perhaps? Maybe a secret she wants to tell you, but keeps putting it off, and hence she just goes on and on about herself, instead? Sometimes when people have troubles, they tend to forget about others. Either that or they just want to talk about themselves. Maybe Iím thinking too much, but itís just a thought.

So, youíve been doubting my telling the truth? I donít believe it. Iím not lying about any of this, honest. Just because you canít ďconceive of such parentsĒ doesnít mean they donít exist or Iím making things upÖThereís just so much more I havenít told you, and maybe if I did, it would clarify things a little bit more? I donít know. Plus, it wouldnít make sense for me to lie about something so stupid, and what reason would I have for it? If I intended to lie, I wouldíve come up with something a bit more engaging than this, donít you think? Why would I run around telling everyone I canít see when I have the option of telling everyone I were a, sayÖ pro-skater, instead?? Heck, I wouldíve told yíall I was married with ten kids, have traveled to the moon six times, had telepathic powers, and is currently on the run for homicide! (Scared yet? :p) Moreover, I would have continued to lead yíall to believe I was Janice. ;)
[QUOTE=Quencher]Pam:
Alrighty. Youíve got yourself a deal. Starting on Monday, Iíll write down everything, okay? And then at the end of the week, Iíll post the results. Iím almost certain though that even then, I wonít be able to figure out why, but weíll see how it goes.

Re you sister in law. Well, hmm. Is it possible to not feel the way you do? LikeÖ not feel insignificant or unimportant? I mean, itís clear that you know this isnít YOUR fault. So, why canít you justóblame HER? Itís not you who is insignificant/unimportantÖ it is her and her personality that is making you feel this way. Hence, itís not true, right? :D

Oh gee, I WISH I had friends to help me with studying and whatnot. It's just a shame that I haven't any. I lost all my friends after elementary school. :rolleyes:

Re when I said that he doesnít think itís ďwrong.Ē I meant likeó itís not wrong [I]enough[/I]. Like, itís so minor that itís not really ďwrong," which is why I put the qutotation marks. Get it?

Hmm lemme see. Well, this sorta started around 6/7th grade or soÖ back when I started to ďdevelop.Ē But anyway, when he did anything then, Iíd just say ďgo away,Ē give him a little shove, and shriek Ďcause heíll always catch me by surprise and whatnot.

Nowadays, he does it more frequently, at [I]least[/I] 3 times a weekÖand more violently, tooó most of the time when Iím in bed. I donít shove him away anymore, nor do I cryÖ as much. I can only flinch, shriek, and if Iím in bedóhuddle to my blankie. :o

I have no intentions on wasting any more energy on him. And surprisingly, Iím not afraid. I only become paranoid when he passes by or comes close to me Ďcause I KNOW heís gonna do something. So, in a way now, Iím always ready for it.

My feelings. Hmm. I donít really know, nor do I care anymore. Iíve acknowledged the fact that he is the person that he is and that heíll never change. So therefore, I just let him do whatever he wants. He does what he has to do, and then thatís the end. Plus, only two more years to endure and Iíll be out of the house, right? So, why publicize the whole thing [I]now[/I], only to make the REST of HIS life miserable??

Youíre wondering how I can take it so calmly? Well, like I said, Iím very much accustomed to it. Itís been four years already? If I were STILL horrified, well, I think Iíll be insane by now, and probably dead too. ;) So, I just have to take it calmly, you know? To prevent insanity. Plus, Iím used to this sort of treatment. Itís sorta like how I am with the glasses thing. I mean, if I was to worry every day and every night and constantly think about it 24/7, then my whole life would revolve around it. Heck, Iíll go lunatic, would I not? Itíll be a wonder if I didnít. So, Iíd rather push it aside and only allow it to emerge once in a while, you know?

I suppose youíre right regarding giving specifics and whatnot. BUT, thereís also the factor of IP address tracking. (Thatís the number that identifies you on the web while you surf). And although you canít find out someoneís home address or anything with that numberó being me, Iím still a wee bit paranoid. I'm almost certain, tho, that I'm not gonna be able to hold back in the near future, haha. If you haven't already noticed, I'm quite a chatterbox.[/QUOTE]



Hiya Ms. Q -

Hey, I think that that's terrific that you're willing to give my hair-brained idea a try. Well, and maybe you're right - that you won't be able to figure out all the whys - but, maybe between all of us who post here we'll be able to detect a pattern, if there are triggers, what they are, etc. The whole point to ALL of us being on this board is to share and to MAYBE try to find some answers, not only for ourselves, but for others, as well. So, I think it's wonderful that you're willing to give this a shot. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right??? :)

So, it is your dad. Oh, Quench, oh Quench, oh Quench......the rage I feel right now....I honestly can't remember the last time I've been so enraged. OK, first, let's just talk realistically for a moment. I am assuming that he...er..."goes all the way"? If so, are you, or he, using protection?? Because of all you have, and are, suffering, you don't want to add a pregnancy to it. I can't even believe I'm having this conversation with you, but, this is a reality, and therefore, something that needs to be considered.

So, apparently you have made your choice to tolerate and accept what he's doing. I guess you don't need to wonder what I think of that - but I also know that there's nothing more I, nor anyone else, can say to change your mind. Only you can decide you should do. I only wish I could understand why it's more important to protect him, and for you to be more concerned with how miserable HIS life would be if you told someone. I guess this is a silly question, but....what about YOUR life?? And your suffering? I'm terrified about something else you said, that he's become more "violent". I don't exactly know what you mean by that, but if he is truly hurting you, what if this violence escalates? And I have just one more thing for you to think very carefully about - I know you feel it's best to be passive...maybe it's because you're afraid, and that would be understandable. But my fear is that...in being passive, do you think that he has taken that as a sign that you accept this? And I ask that, not because I am in ANY WAY blaming YOU...but because I fear that by being passive, he may feel that this gives him permission to do this more often, and be more violent. So, my obvious concern is....what is next over the next "2 years"??? Things have continued to worsen, & so, my terror is in the unknown. If you think of nothing else, PLEASE think about that. And one final question - where is your mother when this is happening???

Re my sil, see? I told you that you were very wise. You are ohhhh so right. I should not allow her to make me feel the way she does. And, in fact, she isn't even responsible for how I "feel" - only I am. But when something has gone on for years, and you have felt beaten down, and you are repeatedly shown that YOU aren't important, and only the OTHER person's wants and needs are important, it's pretty difficult to NOT have bad feelings about yourself...........you know, Quench????

Well, I'm off for now. I hope you are having a good day and getting lots of schoolwork done!!!

Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Char/pam :wave:
Aury:
Itís excellent that you were able to eat a bowl of cereal on your free day! You seeóyouíre getting somewhere! Just try to lay off the diet pills and laxatives next time. ;) Are they flush able? If you get rid of them, then you wonít have access to them anymore and hence not be able to take them, you know? Hey, I knowówhy not play a little Ďgameí with William? Whoever gains the most weight first wins!!! How does that sound? :D Yeah, Iím beginning to sound a bit impractical, but it makes logical sense. Of course, Iím all talk, right? What do I know? Iím only trying to help.

And I'm assuming that your parents have come already?? How'd it go?? Details, please. :)

Pam:
I donít think it was a hair-brained idea. I mean, it sounds simple enough, right? Itís also something Iíve never thought of or tried before. Plus, itís about time I take ONE of your advice, heh? :D Iím just afraid that youíre gonna be mad at me when you see the results and then youíre gonna think Iím mocking you or something. But I promise you that Iíll try. One question, though. What if I donít binge this week? What if I donít binge because Iím being ďmonitored?Ē This is no offense to you, but I donít binge when Iím being ďwatched.Ē And since Iíll be putting things down on paper and whatnotówell, I donít know. I just canít help but think that youíre gonna judge me, or laugh, or torment me or something. :(

And no, my dad doesnít go all the way. He just enjoys touching and umÖsqueezing me in certain places. And shoving his hand up/down everything, you know what I mean. And sometimes, he attempts to take off an article of clothing but he never really succeeds in doing so. I donít think he really intends to, either, not sure. The most he does is pull up my shirt halfway, or down my pants halfway so that itíll reveal [I]some[/I] part of my body, but not all at once. But of course, I put it back on almost immediately after. There was only once when he saw wellÖeverything. That was like hmmÖ last year or something. He barged in while I was showering. I was soooooooooo embarrassed, omg. But anyway, youíre probably not gonna believe this, but like, Iím not the one whoís nakedóhe is. Many times, he stands nude in front of me and tells me to well, suck Ďití and allÖ and heíll like shove Ďití in my face and stuff. Itís rather disgusting if you ask me. But itís nothing new. Does this make any sense to you?

When I said he has become more violent, well, I sorta just meant that in general. I mean, he gets mad really easily. And if something doesnít go his way, then heíll just go ballistic and start throwing things and hitting me, or whomever that isnít listening to him. And no, not with wet noodles. ;)

My mom? Well, sheís at home. You see, we only have one bedroom, so basically everyone knowsóeveryone at home, anyway. She tells my dad to leave me alone sometimes, but thatís really all.

I know youíre confused as to why I wanna protect him. And Iíll try my best to explain this to you. But, you knowó heís my dad. I owe him a lotó for bringing me into this world in the first place, for giving me a place to live, etc etc. Thereís no way I can turn him in. If I did, I wonít be able to live with myself. And I probably wonít, either. I would be inhuman and heartless. And Iíll die of guilt. Moreover, I would feel as if I was seeking vengeance or somethingóand Iím not that kinda person.

Itís only two more years for me. But if I told, itíll be the REST of his life for him. I donít have the heart to do that. Iíd rather suffer myself than have him suffering for so long. I donít care enough about myself to harm anyone else so much. I donít want him to suffer because of ME. And I donít want this publicized. I want my family to stay a family. I donít want us all separated. And although I donít like it the way it is now and Iím not happyóI think this is somehow better. And itís the only life I know of, so itíll be so horrific if I had to adjust to anything else. Two more years isnít gonna kill me. Telling, on the other hand, would. Boy did that feel good, LOL.

I really wish you wouldnít have bad feelings about yourself. Because honestly, I think youíre a great person and itíll be a wonder if you thought the same, you know? So youíre the only one whoís responsible for how you feel, right? So wouldnít it be great if you can somehow manipulate your feelings? And just because she talks of ďher needs and wantsĒ all the time, that doesnít mean that yours arenít important. Hence, it doesnít mean youíre not important!!! What it means is that SHE thinks sheís more important than anyone elseóor like you put it, self-centered. But she doesnít HAVE to be correct, does she? In fact, I think sheís very much wrong. Iím assuming youíre gonna agree with me? :D How about just telling her that youíre not really interested in what she has to say. Or better yetówhy donít you interrupt HER once in a while so that sheíll have a taste of her own medicine? :angel:
Pam:
I donít think it was a hair-brained idea. I mean, it sounds simple enough, right? Itís also something Iíve never thought of or tried before. Plus, itís about time I take ONE of your advice, heh? :D Iím just afraid that youíre gonna be mad at me when you see the results and then youíre gonna think Iím mocking you or something. But I promise you that Iíll try. One question, though. What if I donít binge this week? What if I donít binge because Iím being ďmonitored?Ē This is no offense to you, but I donít binge when Iím being ďwatched.Ē And since Iíll be putting things down on paper and whatnotówell, I donít know. I just canít help but think that youíre gonna judge me, or laugh, or torment me or something. :(

And no, my dad doesnít go all the way. He just enjoys touching and umÖsqueezing me in certain places. And shoving his hand up/down everything, you know what I mean. And sometimes, he attempts to take off an article of clothing but he never really succeeds in doing so. I donít think he really intends to, either, not sure. The most he does is pull up my shirt halfway, or down my pants halfway so that itíll reveal [I]some[/I] part of my body, but not all at once. But of course, I put it back on almost immediately after. There was only once when he saw wellÖeverything. That was like hmmÖ last year or something. He barged in while I was showering. I was soooooooooo embarrassed, omg. But anyway, youíre probably not gonna believe this, but like, Iím not the one whoís nakedóhe is. Many times, he stands nude in front of me and tells me to well, suck Ďití and allÖ and heíll like shove Ďití in my face and stuff. Itís rather disgusting if you ask me. But itís nothing new. Does this make any sense to you?

When I said he has become more violent, well, I sorta just meant that in general. I mean, he gets mad really easily. And if something doesnít go his way, then heíll just go ballistic and start throwing things and hitting me, or whomever that isnít listening to him. And no, not with wet noodles. ;)

My mom? Well, sheís at home. You see, we only have one bedroom, so basically everyone knowsóeveryone at home, anyway. She tells my dad to leave me alone sometimes, but thatís really all.

I know youíre confused as to why I wanna protect him. And Iíll try my best to explain this to you. But, you knowó heís my dad. I owe him a lotó for bringing me into this world in the first place, for giving me a place to live, etc etc. Thereís no way I can turn him in. If I did, I wonít be able to live with myself. And I probably wonít, either. I would be inhuman and heartless. And Iíll die of guilt. Moreover, I would feel as if I was seeking vengeance or somethingóand Iím not that kinda person.

Itís only two more years for me. But if I told, itíll be the REST of his life for him. I donít have the heart to do that. Iíd rather suffer myself than have him suffering for so long. I donít care enough about myself to harm anyone else so much. I donít want him to suffer because of ME. And I donít want this publicized. I want my family to stay a family. I donít want us all separated. And although I donít like it the way it is now and Iím not happyóI think this is somehow better. And itís the only life I know of, so itíll be so horrific if I had to adjust to anything else. Two more years isnít gonna kill me. Telling, on the other hand, would. Boy did that feel good, LOL.

I really wish you wouldnít have bad feelings about yourself. Because honestly, I think youíre a great person and itíll be a wonder if you thought the same, you know? So youíre the only one whoís responsible for how you feel, right? So wouldnít it be great if you can somehow manipulate your feelings? And just because she talks of ďher needs and wantsĒ all the time, that doesnít mean that yours arenít important. Hence, it doesnít mean youíre not important!!! What it means is that SHE thinks sheís more important than anyone elseóor like you put it, self-centered. But she doesnít HAVE to be correct, does she? In fact, I think sheís very much wrong. Iím assuming youíre gonna agree with me? :D How about just telling her that youíre not really interested in what she has to say. Or better yetówhy donít you interrupt HER once in a while so that sheíll have a taste of her own medicine? :angel:[/QUOTE]


Hiya Ms. Q, how do you do???

First and foremost, this was just a suggestion, to give it a try. I have no idea where this is going yet. This isn't even advice - I'm just curious to see what happens, that's all. There is no "right" or "wrong" in doing this. And you're not being "watched", in any sense of the word. And dear girl, I have no intention of making you feel bad, that I'm going to laugh, judge or torment you...are these the things I have been doing with you??? If so, I'm very, very sorry - these have never been my intent, for any reason, whatsoever. I told you that I care very, very much about you...as such, I have no reason to be any of the forementioned!! I DO hope you'll forget there is any monitoring going on, that you will be accurate in saying what you eat every day....and no rounding off! :nono: However, should you choose not to binge for the entire week, and eat completely sensibly, that is up to you. As I've said, there is nothing right or wrong about this next week. I just only ask you to be honest. That's all. OK?? How about if we go from tomorrow thru next Sat., then you can post Sun or Mon. Or, you can post every night, if you want. The format is up to you!

Quench, I think it took a lot of courage to discuss this at length, about your Dad. I'm pretty speechless, however, for someone who gabs a lot and always seems to have a lot to say to everyone. But I must confess, I have no idea what to say to you about all of this. I only can say...that I have feelings of revulsion right now, and so I need to step back a bit from this
and just......I don't know, Quench. Just try to get over and accept that you have chosen to accept this, I guess. I some ways I understand how you feel, I really do...but the adult...the mother in me......is REALLY struggling. I could argue everything statement you've made, but I know it won't help. So just keep posting to us, Quench. Remember that we care about you ohhhhh so much, OK??

I chuckled at your suggestion to interrupt her - oooh the temptation has been strong. Because I believe that sometimes people need a taste of their own medicine to understand how it feels. BUT, I just couldn't do that. I'm not going to stoop to that level...even if it's what she deserves. :D Nor, of course, could I tell her that what she says doesn't interest me.....tho I HAVE been tempted on occasion to noisily yawn. HAHAHAHAHHA!!! I'm being VERY bad right now and must beat myself with the wet noodles. I deserve it!! But you're sooo sweet to try to help - and you have, actually - just by making me feel a bit worthy!!

I hope you have a great day at school tomorrow...and don't for get you OTHER assignment!!

HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Char/pam :wave:





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