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hi char,

first of all, i wanted to say "yay!" for you sticking with your diet. :D . but try not to think of it as that. just think of it as you being good to yourself and only giving your body the best! with every bite of crisp salad greens and scrumptious chicken, you're feeding your cells exactly what they need: healthy carbs, fats and proteins, and vitamins/minerals too!! keep it up, i'm proud of you! (and that's [I]not[/I] conditional. no matter what, i'm here cheering you on, okay? i want to be here for you whether you're having a good day or a not so good day :) )

sorry about this, but i'm going to have to rant...

argh!! i'm so mad at myself today! :mad: the day was going great, the weather was amaaaaaaazing, and then at dinner i fell into my old habits again... i do try to put only healthy things on my plate, and i do try to stop at one helping, but then the little voice in my head has to go and ruin everything!!! it just won't keep quiet, and i feel like i should be chained or handcuffed to my chair so that i won't get up and get something else. actually, they might need to bolt the chair to the ground so as to prevent my dragging it up to the food :rolleyes: . then after dinner, i had the urge to eat more. it's always after i overeat a little that i want to eat more. it's like i can't even think about food without wanting some, you know? and that's a really bad thing, cuz most of the time, i AM thinking about food. so i went to go get cookies and chocolate and now my teeth hurt and my stomach is yelling at me. *sigh*. i know i need to try harder. and i know i should stay positive, but sometimes i just don't want to. no, i take that back. i DO want to, but how do i make my actions and thoughts agree with what's in my heart? how can i do what's best for myself and my body? :( . it's so silly. here i am giving advice on how to avoid bingeing, but when it comes to myself, i just go for it. i'm walking up to get more food in the dining hall, or i'm walking to the store to buy food, and on my way, i'm thinking, you know you don't need this. you're not even hungry. you don't even LIKE the food. WHY ARE YOU GOING UP AND GETTING MORE?? WHY ARE YOU PUTTING IT IN YOUR MOUTH? but i ignore all of that, and it's like i'm almost eating to shut the thoughts up. but i just want to know what's wrong with me, and what is making me WANT to eat in the first place. it's soooo hard. especially here at school, where i feel no one really understands. and i keep up a pretty good pretense, always smiling, and being helpful. but inside, i'm all questions. and i feel so guilty. why am i not happy? content? i have so much. a good family, parents who love me, an amazing older sister, friends both here and at home who care about me, i'm in college--learning and being exposed to so much and have so many opportunities. so why do i constantly feel like i need to fill myself up? why am i never satisfied with myself? do i even KNOW what i want? :confused: . don't worry, i start therapy next week--my first appointment is wednesday. and i'm a bit scared. but at the same time, can't wait to get started. it's like a part of me doesn't want to let go of the bad habits, you know? but then every other part is dying to break free!! it's hard for me to just go on a diet. i mean, i do want to lose this excess weight. but last year i had trouble even then. i lost a lot of weight but still wasn't "satisfied", i look at pictures now and think, wow i looked great. yet at the time, i still thought i was "fat". actually, not fat but also not thin enough. it was getting to be a different form of bad habit. but now i wish i had it back. no, i don't--i just want to be normal again, whatever that means. because no matter how big or small we get, nothing will make us happy until we love ourselves inside and out. i know that now. do you think working on the "self-love" and getting that will get rid of the eating problem automatically? perhaps it's wishful thinking. but i just want to stop having these negative thoughts.

anyhow... thanks so much for your kind words:). yes, hitting the bed with your husband in it is definitely a bad idea :nono: hehe ;) . but everything i said before is true. and i'm so glad you've come into my life as well. we can do this. i'm keeping you in my thoughts and hopefully, i will remember your words next time i want to be irrational and overeat. don't you wish sometimes we didn't have to eat to live? then we could just banish all food from our lives and get over it. but i know that wouldn't really solve anything... we'd probably end up turning to something else.

okay, have a wonderful evening!

~emma
[QUOTE=dilemma]hi char,

first of all, i wanted to say "yay!" for you sticking with your diet. :D . but try not to think of it as that. just think of it as you being good to yourself and only giving your body the best! with every bite of crisp salad greens and scrumptious chicken, you're feeding your cells exactly what they need: healthy carbs, fats and proteins, and vitamins/minerals too!! keep it up, i'm proud of you! (and that's [I]not[/I] conditional. no matter what, i'm here cheering you on, okay? i want to be here for you whether you're having a good day or a not so good day :) )

sorry about this, but i'm going to have to rant...

argh!! i'm so mad at myself today! :mad: the day was going great, the weather was amaaaaaaazing, and then at dinner i fell into my old habits again... i do try to put only healthy things on my plate, and i do try to stop at one helping, but then the little voice in my head has to go and ruin everything!!! it just won't keep quiet, and i feel like i should be chained or handcuffed to my chair so that i won't get up and get something else. actually, they might need to bolt the chair to the ground so as to prevent my dragging it up to the food :rolleyes: . then after dinner, i had the urge to eat more. it's always after i overeat a little that i want to eat more. it's like i can't even think about food without wanting some, you know? and that's a really bad thing, cuz most of the time, i AM thinking about food. so i went to go get cookies and chocolate and now my teeth hurt and my stomach is yelling at me. *sigh*. i know i need to try harder. and i know i should stay positive, but sometimes i just don't want to. no, i take that back. i DO want to, but how do i make my actions and thoughts agree with what's in my heart? how can i do what's best for myself and my body? :( . it's so silly. here i am giving advice on how to avoid bingeing, but when it comes to myself, i just go for it. i'm walking up to get more food in the dining hall, or i'm walking to the store to buy food, and on my way, i'm thinking, you know you don't need this. you're not even hungry. you don't even LIKE the food. WHY ARE YOU GOING UP AND GETTING MORE?? WHY ARE YOU PUTTING IT IN YOUR MOUTH? but i ignore all of that, and it's like i'm almost eating to shut the thoughts up. but i just want to know what's wrong with me, and what is making me WANT to eat in the first place. it's soooo hard. especially here at school, where i feel no one really understands. and i keep up a pretty good pretense, always smiling, and being helpful. but inside, i'm all questions. and i feel so guilty. why am i not happy? content? i have so much. a good family, parents who love me, an amazing older sister, friends both here and at home who care about me, i'm in college--learning and being exposed to so much and have so many opportunities. so why do i constantly feel like i need to fill myself up? why am i never satisfied with myself? do i even KNOW what i want? :confused: . don't worry, i start therapy next week--my first appointment is wednesday. and i'm a bit scared. but at the same time, can't wait to get started. it's like a part of me doesn't want to let go of the bad habits, you know? but then every other part is dying to break free!! it's hard for me to just go on a diet. i mean, i do want to lose this excess weight. but last year i had trouble even then. i lost a lot of weight but still wasn't "satisfied", i look at pictures now and think, wow i looked great. yet at the time, i still thought i was "fat". actually, not fat but also not thin enough. it was getting to be a different form of bad habit. but now i wish i had it back. no, i don't--i just want to be normal again, whatever that means. because no matter how big or small we get, nothing will make us happy until we love ourselves inside and out. i know that now. do you think working on the "self-love" and getting that will get rid of the eating problem automatically? perhaps it's wishful thinking. but i just want to stop having these negative thoughts.

anyhow... thanks so much for your kind words:). yes, hitting the bed with your husband in it is definitely a bad idea :nono: hehe ;) . but everything i said before is true. and i'm so glad you've come into my life as well. we can do this. i'm keeping you in my thoughts and hopefully, i will remember your words next time i want to be irrational and overeat. don't you wish sometimes we didn't have to eat to live? then we could just banish all food from our lives and get over it. but i know that wouldn't really solve anything... we'd probably end up turning to something else.

okay, have a wonderful evening!

~emma[/QUOTE]

Hi Ms Emma Dilemma
I somehow missed this post of yours - didn't mean to ignore it!! Well, here it is, Easter morning, my hubby is still sleeping ( he works swing shift at a casino where he's a slot technician. We live in NV - when you live in NV, that's what you do. You work in a casino. Ha! )

Anyhoo, my son just left to go spend some time with his gf, so the house is quiet, I'm sipping my coffee, and hoping you girls are having a wonderful Easter. I know Janice is with her fam in FL., but what about you, Em?? I hope you were able to go home and be with your fam, too. I would be soooo sad for you if you have to be alone in a dorm over Easter.

You know, you were talking about eating, and why do you eat when you're not hungry, know you shouldn't, etc. - I could have written that. That's exactly how it is for me, too - that's why they call it "compulsive" overeating. We are compelled to eat even tho we're not hungry. I'm glad you are starting therapy...I have been in therapy for about 3 months, but so far...and not to bum you or anything...but it's not doing a gosh darned thing for me AT ALL. I hope it will help YOU, tho...and if it does, you can explain to me how it helps, and why!!?? We compulsive overeaters have something inside us that says to 'just do it"...don't stop to think if you really need it, just do it because you WANT to, and think of nothing else except fulfilling the urge. I have no self-restraint. NONE!!!!!!!!! Because........I fell last night, and I fell hard......meaning, off the diet wagon. The ice cream SCREAMED at me from the freezer!!!! I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo angry at myself!!!! And I feel so bad, because now I feel like I've failed you girls, too. I feel that, because I'm old enough to be your mothers, that I should be setting a good example here...and I've wanted to help you girls more than I have even wanted to help myself. In fact, that maybe by helping you both, I could help myself, too. You girls are sooo young, you have long and happy lives ahead of you. I soooo hate seeing you both suffering like this at such a young age. I was a pudge as a teen, too, and it wasn't fun having friends who were ALL slim. I felt so....alone, and out of place. Even then I dieted, too, but NEVER could seem to get down to their sizes, usually about an 8, while I never made it past a 14 from a 16, tho I could stuff myself into a 12 if it ran big. :rolleyes: But I do remember how hard it was, when all my slim friends and I would go to the hangout after school (like a Mc Donalds-type place) and they would eat fries, cokes, even hamburgers or shakes, and I didn't dare. I have to say that, back then, I wasn't compulsive about eating...that has only been in recent years, and when I recognized that I had a MAJOR problem with food.

Maybe the reason you are a compulsive overeater is because of stress. It's not easy to be away from family, to have to be on your own, worry about tests and grades...so you turn to food as comfort. Food IS a comfort, unfortunately. It reminds us of home and mothers who cooked it. Even now, and even tho I have been motherless since I was 24...a LONG time ago....I still want the foods she used to cook, and have the ice cream that was always plentiful in the freezer. Sigh....

I wish I had the answers, but I don't. I do continue to feel that we just have to take it one meal at a time. To try to ignore that voice inside of us ( I have it, too) that urges us on, and that doesn't stop until we have silenced it with food. I do sooooo understand everything that you wrote. All we can do is keep trying, trying, and trying some more...never stop trying!! And maybe, who knows, some day we will be in control...and eat to live, and not live to eat. I want so desperately to find that day. I have to trust that's ahead somewhere, and that we will all get there.

Well, I hope you have a very Happy Easter!!! Write when you can , Ms Emma Dilemma, and you, too, Janice!!!

Hugs
Char
[QUOTE=Charlyssa]This is for both Janice and Dilemma -

I just want you both to know you have brought me joy, and have brightened my life. I just finished reading both your posts and I'm still smiling. I feel as tho I have added 2 more daughters. :) it's nearly 10 pm girls (where I live, anyway, which is NV) so I'm pooped...but, I promise I'll be back "on board" tomorrow to answer your posts. :yawn: Ooops, sorry for that. Old age!! Talk to you tomorrow!!

Hugs!!
Char :wave:[/QUOTE]Charlyssa, I have no words to describe you. Your words are beyond me. You are just fill of compliments. Like I said before, you are by far the kindest person I have ever met. Absolutely amazing. Thank you for that.
[quote]I should say right up front that I dare not tell you what you should be eating and how many calories. I'm just a mom, not a Dr. I would THINK 1500 calories might be about right for a teen, especially if you're active, heck, maybe even a bit more. I wish I could remember what I read somewhere about how to calculate this according to your weight...but I don't, sorry!! If you lost weight before, tho, just do what you did then. Just nothing drastic, because you don't want to get sick. Maybe the best thing to do is just eat less of everything you would normally eat. I've heard that if you are "full" when you leave the table, you have eaten too much. And no snacks. Or soda pop, unless it's diet. Sometimes simple changes like that are all you need to do...and no desserts, of course. GASP!!!

My youngens are a son, 29, and a daughter, 26...and I don't look old enough to have kids that old. I usually lie about their ages.
[/quote]1500? I go far beyond that!! :eek: Worst of all, I'm not active at all. I participate in absolutely no sports, and when I do, it's only for a few minutes at a time. I honestly cannot recall my eating habits during the summer that had caused me to lose weight. I just exercised an awful lot. And I was never bored or anything, so I really had no reason to eat more than I needed to. I don't know, I just felt like I was just on a row and high-spirited at the time. How I wish I can find that again. Soda I have no problem with, but it's the snacks that get to me. I can't get my hands off sweets-- candy, cookies, and the sort. It's yummy, haha.
[quote]We had chicken last night, actually. My hub ate the dumplings, I didn't. Just chicken, cottage cheese and slad for me. Diets are not fun, and I soooo fear I will not be able to stand it much longer!!!![/quote]Chickens are our friends, too. :) But don't fear that you might not be able to stand it much longer! I know you will. We ALL know you will. You're on the right track and you're heading in the right direction, which means, you will, absolutely positively succeed sometime in the future. I guess these things just takes TIME. If only we can fast-forward without aging, huh?
[quote]
argh!! i'm so mad at myself today! the day was going great, the weather was amaaaaaaazing, and then at dinner i fell into my old habits again... i do try to put only healthy things on my plate, and i do try to stop at one helping, but then the little voice in my head has to go and ruin everything!!! it just won't keep quiet, and i feel like i should be chained or handcuffed to my chair so that i won't get up and get something else. actually, they might need to bolt the chair to the ground so as to prevent my dragging it up to the food . then after dinner, i had the urge to eat more. it's always after i overeat a little that i want to eat more. it's like i can't even think about food without wanting some, you know? and that's a really bad thing, cuz most of the time, i AM thinking about food. so i went to go get cookies and chocolate and now my teeth hurt and my stomach is yelling at me. *sigh*. i know i need to try harder. and i know i should stay positive, but sometimes i just don't want to. no, i take that back. i DO want to, but how do i make my actions and thoughts agree with what's in my heart? how can i do what's best for myself and my body? . it's so silly. here i am giving advice on how to avoid bingeing, but when it comes to myself, i just go for it. i'm walking up to get more food in the dining hall, or i'm walking to the store to buy food, and on my way, i'm thinking, you know you don't need this. you're not even hungry. you don't even LIKE the food. WHY ARE YOU GOING UP AND GETTING MORE?? WHY ARE YOU PUTTING IT IN YOUR MOUTH? but i ignore all of that, and it's like i'm almost eating to shut the thoughts up. but i just want to know what's wrong with me, and what is making me WANT to eat in the first place. it's soooo hard. especially here at school, where i feel no one really understands. and i keep up a pretty good pretense, always smiling, and being helpful. but inside, i'm all questions. and i feel so guilty. why am i not happy? content? i have so much. a good family, parents who love me, an amazing older sister, friends both here and at home who care about me, i'm in college--learning and being exposed to so much and have so many opportunities. so why do i constantly feel like i need to fill myself up? why am i never satisfied with myself? do i even KNOW what i want? . don't worry, i start therapy next week--my first appointment is wednesday. and i'm a bit scared. but at the same time, can't wait to get started. it's like a part of me doesn't want to let go of the bad habits, you know? but then every other part is dying to break free!! it's hard for me to just go on a diet. i mean, i do want to lose this excess weight. but last year i had trouble even then. i lost a lot of weight but still wasn't "satisfied", i look at pictures now and think, wow i looked great. yet at the time, i still thought i was "fat". actually, not fat but also not thin enough. it was getting to be a different form of bad habit. but now i wish i had it back. no, i don't--i just want to be normal again, whatever that means. because no matter how big or small we get, nothing will make us happy until we love ourselves inside and out. i know that now. do you think working on the "self-love" and getting that will get rid of the eating problem automatically? perhaps it's wishful thinking. but i just want to stop having these negative thoughts. [/quote]Emma- my goodness. You must be my long lost twin somewhere-- only you're five years older. ;) But anyway, I can relate to everything you said. Everything. Your monologe has sadden me and touched me greatly. Don't be mad at yourself. It's okay. Just get up, and try again. It's no use to get angry at yourself 'cause that'll only make you feel worse and that can't be healthy now, can it? [quote]thanks for your advice. and don't starve yourself!! . anyhow, if only i could limit myself to one plate. and read above about the eating slowly thing. maybe if i tell myself i'm just doing it for fun. hmm... why don't we do that? you, me, and char. let's tell ourselves that just for this next week, we're going to try and eat as slowly as possible just for the heck of it. and at the end of each meal or snack, if we've really eaten as slowly as possible--i'm talking 22 chews per bite and a 5 second pause between to sip water--we'll give ourselves something (a dollar, a sticker, a hug). then at the end of the week, we can treat ourselves to something bigger--like a massage or a hot tub. (haha... i only wish i could get either of those). but you know what i mean, right? if we think of it as a game, it might not be as torturous. [/quote]Wow, some game, haha. I'll be surprised if I didn't quit after the first round. It's like the opposite Hungry Hungry Hippos.
[QUOTE=Aurora]Hello peeps, :wave: ,
I am not really understanding how you all keep saying you are proud of me. For what, I'm the idiot who starved herself to the point of emaciation. Who suddenly decided to chicken out before I got to my ideal look.
Char-broiled HAhahahahahahah, I love it! Anyway Pampompom in answer to your question my darling husband finds it a struggle to cope with me sometimes. He gets so sad and scared that he will lose me. I use food as a weapon too when I am irritable eg, 'Well if you hadn't said that maybe I would have eaten something but now I just can't bear to.' So as you see I am an evil b***h from hell. I feel like I spend my whole life apologising for being so grumpy all the time. My husband spends the whole time teliing me it doesn't matter. But it does matter, and if I am truthful then I am only getting help because of him. Which may not make it easy in the long run as I think you really need to want it yourself.
Anyway, yes if I ask a question about you then I do want to see your answer. You can't come and dish out all this advice and be the one helping everyone else. Thats how your life is currently, you came on here so you could have your say too! ;)
So ok its not going that well for you at the moment. So we need to think how to tackle it differently. Ok so I have some questions but don't answer if you don't want to. Do you binge on specific foods, like the ice cream that you mentioned previously? The reason I ask is that there is a theory that if binge eaters can bear to surround themselves with lots of junk food but also lots of fresh fruit, then after a couple of weeks they start to crave the more healthy stuff. They did a really big study into it. The idea is to really stock up your cupboards. Then you start to see you don't have to finish that last ice cream tub, or bar of chocolate, because there is always more there. Too much even for you to binge it all. I don't know if it makes sense, maybe you could search the net to see if you can read up the theory. I read it in a book a while back, so I'll try to remember the name of it.
Quenchbench - Charcoal is right. I believe in self-fulfiling prophecies. But even if you don't, you cant be expected to support your parents when you get older. You will be having a family of your own and your money will be needed to buy yourself and your family a home and whatever else you require.
Em, I really think you should get some more sleep sweetie. Glad you like the myths of the english, more coming soon....
Hope you are all ok
Big hugs from H xoxoxo :bouncing:[/QUOTE]


Hiya Aury!!!

Before I forget, I wanted to tell you something you said in a post about 2 back. It was your response to what I had said about you "running, screaming out the door". In the response post, you said that you did have some thoughts about "upping and leaving", but at first I misread that - I thought you said you had thoughts about "upping and heaving"...I actually stopped to reread and then chuckled a bit.....I am so WICKED....because upping and heaving, of course, could have fit as well. I do hope you see a bit of humor in that...I am NOT making fun, please understand...I just hope you understand what I'm trying to say about the puns!!!!!

And I love Pampompom...and do I detect a bit of hidden meaning in that? For when I think of pom poms, I think of cheering, and I do try to cheer people on a bit, because we all do need it so much. And you are VERY courageous - you did not "chicken out" - it was courage that caused you go into recovery, to try to stop the inevitable, had you continued on this path. And what is this word "idiot"?????? WHO is the person who says we should not be do down on ourselves????? Because then I'm an idiot, too, for allowing what has happened to my grotesque body. We have ED's - we are intelligent people who somehow meandered on a bit of a self-destructive path, we are/were lost, need to find our way back....and recognize that even intelligent people lose their way sometimes.

Oh MYYYYY, I am at a loss for words re your hub, and all you said re food as a weapon. It was difficult to read, my dear, but at least I'm certain that while that was an amazing admission, I know you know that..........I know you know.

Thank you soooo much for your concern and interest in me, and your thoughts about fruit, etc. Actually, I do love fruit, veggies, too - a bit od a dychotomy, hmmm? I have lots of these on hand and I eat them because I must...but I also love potatoes, rice dishes, pasta, steak, fried chicken, etc, etc. The biggest problem is that I am soooo hungry by night, so I eat too much...and night is the worst time to be ravenous, of course. And then because I'm up late, and because I adore ice cream....well, I do fill the bowl with it......it is more of a habit, I think, but such a pleasurable one. Every day I say I will NOT eat ice cream....but by night......the resolve fades to oblivion. Yes, there are other better options in the fridge....I just don't CRAVE them. And I can't keep ice cream out of the house, because I have a very thin hub who enjoys it, but never gains. GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!! And when I have been on diets in the past, and stick with lean things and fruits a veggies, weeks of being on the diet, the horrible craving for all that I shouldn't eat NEVER subsides. It is why I am fat, and why this is an ED. GRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is why I am in awe of you...awesome Aura......AWErora!!!! And I must also tell you that I'm sooooo enjoying getting to know you. You have made strides to beat your ED, and by so doing, you inspire me. It's 10am here, so hopefully you have made it thru another day with terrific success!!!!!!!!

Hugs!!!!!!!!
Char/pamarama





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