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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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Aw gee, you see, I [I]would[/I] read, only... every time I pick up a book I get discouraged from its length…regardless of the subject. My eyes, they just get tired so quickly. Quickly, meaning after a couple of paragraphs, let alone one page. And then I get all dizzy and stuff. And I don’t know… I just get bored when I read, and when I get bored, I just want to sleep or… eat. It’s unlikely that I’ll be able to sit still with my face in a book without off and on snacking, you know? ;) And every time I read, I don’t think about the book ITSELF, but rather “ugh, how many more pages are left?” So basically, every 5 pages or so, I would hold the page with my fingers and try to estimate how much MORE I’ve gotta read or how much more time it’s gonna take me to finish. As if that weren’t wasting enough time already, on top of everything else, I’m a VERY slow reader. Heck, I’ve seen fifth graders whom can read faster than I! It’s almost impossible for me to just “skim” through anything, which is the most frustrating!! Skim--This word is almost nonexistent to me. I HAVE to read at the same pace in which someone were to speak it, ‘cause I need to “hear” the words before I can understand them, you know? And sometimes, I’ll be reading a sentence 5-6 times and STILL don’t get it. Or read one paragraph, drop the book, get back to it later and then completely forget what I have read beforehand and hence would have to start all over. But anyhow, to demonstrate exactly HOW slow of a reader I am—while stranded in GA on my way home from FL last week, I was reading The Great Gatsby (which btw I have already given upon, LOL), and it literally took me 8 hours to read 106 pages!!! Yup yup yup. :o A normal person would’ve been done with the book already--- Twice!!!! And me? I was barely 1/4th of the way through!!! Argggh. :mad:

You know, from reading all that you have posted, I’m starting to believe that you are one heck of a mother and companion!! The way you speak of your kids, your husband, and how others resemble your ‘adopted children’ and whatnot is just over-inspiring. It just makes me so happy and wonders... yet again, are you for REAL? ;)

I wish I could ignore other people’s comments, too. But I find that extremely difficult because it’s all I really get to hear. It’s like what I “live by” or something. I get comments like that all the time—from my parents, my friends, heck even from my teachers—which is why I despise them so (except for maybe two or three), but anyhow, speaking of teachers. You know, just last term, my teacher assigned a “do now” assignment, where all the problems were located on the board. Anyway, I couldn’t see the board, and I didn’t even bother trying ‘cause it hurts my eyes too much. Sooo, I decided to wait until my classmate was done so that then, I can get the questions from her and then catch-up. Wellll, it turns out, the FIRST time I don’t do a do-now right away, was the time she picked on me—well, I don’t blame her… I was just sitting there, but still! Anyway, she asked me whether if I was done or not. Me, being the honest person I am (;)) told her that I didn’t even start yet! (How stupid, I could have just lied). So then, she strolls to the front of the classroom, and announces to the WHOLE class… in her all-year-around-good-for-nothing-PMS-ing-attitude… that she was gonna give me a zero for class participation. And all I could do was cry and cry and cry. I was SO upset ‘cause she didn’t even let me explain… and then towards the end of class, I decided that I was NOT gonna hate her and rationally/calmly explain to her that I couldn’t see the board. And you know what? When I told her, she just snobbishly points to the board and says, “You can’t see THAT?? Well, that’s not MY problem, is it??” And that just made me cry more. I thought she might’ve understood considering she wore glasses herself, but I guess NOT. –scoffs- The one time I try to tell someone, and I get myself into a complete mess. Anyway, from then on, I hated her and refused to do any of her work, LOL. (But I still passed b/c it was only for a few weeks before I got a new teacher). Okay, that was a hideously long and pointless story—but I just HAD to rant, LOL.

Regarding sleeping more—well, I don’t necessarily go to bed LATE, it’s just I fall asleep late! I can spend hours and HOURS just thinking about nothing and tossing around, or crying, or listening to my parents, or listening to every little sound and being startled by it. I’m like Demi… I can’t fall asleep at night, and I can’t keep myself awake in the morning. I’m more of a night owl, I guess. Problem? Yes. Haha.

Re what Demi said about eating healthier—I think she’s absolutely right. :D It is possible to reduce your intake of ice cream to every other day—or every two days? That doesn’t sound too impossible. Yeah, I know it’s a habit and all… but the best way, imo, to break a habit would be to take it sloooow. And hence, and little less each week, until you can finally break free! (Sounds great, don’t it?) But anyhow, Why don’t you try to mix in healthy foods with the things you’ll normally eat that isn’t healthy. When you eat ice-cream for example, cut a few slices of bananas/strawberries or other fruits into it… It’s still ice-cream, however, at the same time, you’re getting more of the healthy stuff. And plus, the fruits would help full you up a little more.

I think what you would consider a “diet” isn’t what your sister-in-law would consider a diet because she is so USED to the eating habit that she doesn’t consider it a “diet.” Get it?

I know exactly what position you are in now… regarding school and whatnot. (Maybe not exactly, but something like it). The term ends April 29th, and like ALL my teachers, they decide to LOAD us with work the last two weeks, haha. I have oh SO many things to do… and although some are group projects and whatnot, I’M always the one doing all the work so, either way, it’s more work.

For some reason, I can’t learn a little of everything—I want to know ALL I possibly can about everything. And I HAVE to go in chronological order—It’s not like me to skip from one page to another or anything. But thanks for the advice. My AP World exam in on May 5th. :eek: I’m SOOOO scared. I don’t think I’ve ever been so worried about an exam before. :(

P.S. I didn’t edit this post. Hence it’s extremely LONG, sorry about that, haha. That’s what happens when I don’t edit. :D :D
[QUOTE=dilemma]charry berry pamerry:)

oy oy oy!! so many papers to write... i have about 45-50 pages of writing due this week, and i'm soooo stressing now. and that means mainly one thing... my urges to eat are stronger than ever, and my will to resist are at their weakest yet. *sigh*. what to do, what to do??????? i feel like such a failure when i give into these desires and say--what the hay, forget this getting better hoopla, i just want to EAT!!!!!!! and then i feel my flesh sticking together as the days get warmer, where it never did before, and i think, if only i weren't getting bigger... and i think, i just have to eat NORMALLY and i'll be fine. and then i see how much more difficult it is to cross my legs or something simple like that, and i think--what am i doing to myself? and i feel hotter than i should, as i love being cold, and think, well, it's cuz i'm carrying around 50 excess lbs of baggage--who wouldn't get tired and sweaty and uncomfortable? *sigh* it's as if both motivations are sooooo strong, and yet, it only results in me fulfilling one and attempting to do so with the other by feeling badly about myself.

garrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....... i'm sorry to have worried you! i've just been so busy lately with finals coming up and all and term papers, and a show i was involved with and so i failed to post a hello. i am, as you guessed, definitely ready to be done with the semester. but then i'm sad, as all my friends who are graduating will be leaving soon. and who knows if/when i'll see them again?? :(. and it's such a paradox. on the one hand, all the papers i'm writing this week are of so much interest to me and i wish i could spend weeks on them, but i only have a few days, but at the same time, i'm having such difficulty concentrating, that i just wish they were done and over with. i just need to get over this obsession with thinking about food. it's driving me up the wall!!!! i can't read or write two words without thinking about it.

*sigh* i suppose that's what the meds are for... but i can't help thinking that if only i were motivated enough, i could go without a problem. i mean, why can't i just focus on something else for a change? before i used to be able to transfer my intense focusing onto another topic, in fact, i rarely focused on food. now it's like my only choice, even though i'd rather focus on schoolwork, as that is more important at this point in my life. i just feel like meds are the shortcut and i need to learn the long way out, just so it's more permanent... does that make sense? and i feel as if the doc was just trying to fit me into a category to find the appropriate med for me. and he was trying to determine if the depressive episodes were related to the bingeing episodes at all or if they were entirely separate, as apparently, most persons suffering from depression experience a loss of, rather than increase in, appetite. i guess i kind of do too... like when i'm in those moods, i don't really feel like doing much of ANYTHING, including eating, but then something in the back of my mind tells me that i have to eat. as if EATING is going to be more productive than doing nothing at all. perhaps i've just used it as an excuse to not do other things for so long that when i do feel like doing nothing, it's the only way to relieve my guilt of not doing anything. because in this twisted form of logic, i'm not NOT doing anything if i'm eating. did that
make any sense whatsoever?

anyhow. i should be getting back to my paper... guess what the topic is? family values and their impact (if any) on the development of anorexia.

yes. i have managed to enmesh this obsession with food, EDs, etc. into every aspect of my life... well, nearly every aspect anyway.

well, i hope you're having a happy day!!!

take cares,

Hiya Emmi!!

Where do I start??? OK, I DO feel your pain. As someome who feels sooooo much like you do soooooo often. It's hell, sweetie, and I know. But I have an idea - because you are sooooo stressed right now with school work, I say, what the heck, give into your urges to eat. Someone you know (me) is giving you permission, and right now, I really think that's what you need. I am ALWAYS torn about food - one side of my brain says, "NO!!! Don't do it!!" and the other side says, "But you KNOW I won't let you rest until you go eat!!!" That's why we have EDs Em...because this is always what we go thru...until we learn how NOT to let the SMART side of our brains RULE!!! So, for now, and because you have enough stress with your reports, etc., and you are very much under the gun, I What's a few more days of this going to matter?? If it's really making you nuts, all this TRYING not to think about it, you are wasting enormous amounts of energy and time obssessing. How 'bout this? Get yourself the food you are craving, but also get some fruit, yougurt, whatever, that is healthy. Sometimes just KNOWING you have the choice may help you to, at least occasionally, choose more wisely. Another thought - make a caloric food a reward. Every however many pages you decide to complete, have your treat, and not until. At least you know it's there waiting for you when you're done - isn't that better than constantly thinking about it when you're trying to work? Do whatever you need to do now, Em, until you get thru these last days. Spend your summer rethinking what you're doing, how to change it, losing weight - whatever - you don't need to do any of this now, because NOW, you need to put all your focus on the tasks at hand, right??
Sweetie, do NOT feel bad about taking meds. For most people, all they are, and/or were ever meant to be IS a temporary fix. This is why they like people to also have therapy, too. I am hoping you will continue with therapy, and as you go thru it, hopefully you will find your way out of the ED, and I honestly think that the combo of meds & therapy will help you a lot. You have some obesessive tendencies re food - a med that is designed for people with depression/anxiety/obsession - ask the shrink, there must be something. Don't feel bad about this, Em. I used to - it's one of the MAIN reasons why I waited so long to do something about all my issues. I kept thinking, "You're stronger than this! You can lick all by yourself. You don't need to pay someone to find answers that SHOULD be within you!!!" Well....BS! I didn't have the answers, and I still don't but I keep trying. I'm definitely leaning toward hypnotherapy. Have you read my previous posts after I saw my therapist last Mon? Heck, this may even be what you need, too. But Em, please don't NOT try meds. They may help you a lot. And I swear you don't feel stupid-drugged. In fact, sometimes I think I have more clarity of thought than I ever did before, or at least in the past 2-3 years, anyway. Do I ever write like I'm 'fogged'? Also, and for your info Ms. Em, people who are depressed often DO turn to food as a comfort and I am one of them - it can go either way. I don't think there's any such thing as a stereotypical depressed person - I didn't have all the fatigue they talk about either - again, the opposite, I never wanted to go to bed! And yes, of course your shrink is going to try to figure out the right med for you - that's what they're supposed to do - that's why they get the big bucks. :D

And EVERYTHING you say makes sense, Em, because you and I are so much alike. I've often thought, after reading something you wrote, "I could have written that - that's exactly how I feel."

I do understand how you feel about leaving school and wondering if/when you'll see them again. Make sure to exchange emails and addresses, and that will help you to feel like you still have ties to them. And you never know how often you may be seeing them - if they are good friendships, they will endure. But no more worrying about that now, either. You have plenty to deal with right now - so, as I said, give in to the urges when you need to, or try my suggestions, so that you'll at least feel a bit more in control of when and what you eat. I know you're busy, but I just hope I won't lose touch with you. All of you have become so important to me!! But, if for whatever reason you decide tp stop posting here, I will understand, I certainly don't want to add to your pressure!! You're a wonderful girl and I have soooooo enjoyed knowing you, and I wanted you to know that, from the bottom of my heart. All of you girls have helped me so much!! I am very worried about Quench, tho...and if you've been reading my posts to Aur, you'll understand why.

Write anytime, sweetie - just know I'll always be here anytime you need me, OK?? Now get at those papers!! :D

Charry/pammery :wave:
[QUOTE=dilemma]char-ismatic pami:

hey you, just a short post tonight... why am i up so late, you ask? well, i was working on those papers... well the anorexia one. it's mostly about what role the family plays in the development of anorexia. [B][COLOR=Purple]rory[/COLOR][/B], thanks for your offer of being a case study... i just might take you up on that--you won't mind if i scroll through some of your old posts to pick up examples and such, would you? i promise to refer to you by a pseudonym of your pseudonym, if only because it would be helpful in protecting the privacy of this site as well. :). how funny. but it's quite interesting the things i'm reading about. definitely more than enough to fill this 15 page paper.

anyhow. i was doing okay today. then i just felt the need to eat chocolate. i don't know why, except that it was there. and i felt bad too, because it was my roommates. but we're so open about sharing our food... and yet, i always feel like i'm doing more taking than giving. *sigh* i guess that's what happens when you eat compulsively. then i feel the need to replace it, and so buy more, but then i end up eating most of that too. what to do, what to do? but the year's almost over and i will soon be in the relative safety of my sister's apartment, and without so much work.

i am hoping that this summer, without the pressures of schoolwork for the first time in a LONG time, i will be able to heal a bit without outside help. i know you think it's a bad idea, but i just don't have the resources (money) to get help, and if i'm busy with work, i won't have the time to go. don't worry, though, i won't be entirely without help. i'm planning on experimenting with a bit of self-therapy... it's still in the works, but i'm pretty excited about it... perhaps i'll explain later, if it actually works out okay:). but i realized that i have gone nearly 21 months straight with school/academic pressures (i took summer classes last year). and that beginning with last year's school year, binges have been more prevalent, about 8 months into it, about the time i'd normally begin to have a break from school pressures. and thus it may have been the reason it only got worse when i didn't give myself any time off from school pressures. i know it will take more than one summer to get over this problem, esp. since i'm not really free from stress until mid-june. but still, it's hopeful!

okay, this is definitely not making any sense. your husband is going in for treatment? or has he already? sorry if i've gotten the dates mixed up. i hope that goes well for him! and i know you're strong enough to support him. but know that we're here to support you!! and please don't worry so much about me!! hopefully none of my disappearances in the future will be unplanned. i will try my best to leave notes (however short) to let you know i'm okay. of course if i go a week's or more time without, there may be some trouble... or it may just be a good sign!! though i hate to think i'd be happy and free without sharing it with you all too.

anyhow. i'm glad to hear you're taking up exercise? i'm so proud . look at me beam

okay, it's really getting late, and i hope to get up at a reasonable hour to write write write tomorrow.

take careful care

hehe... i guess it wasn't so short after all:)[/QUOTE]

Hiya Ms. Em-phatic Dilemmaruni !

I like that....Char-ismatic...Cute! So once again you've been burning the midnight oil, mmm? Now see, in a much previous post, I asked you if all the pressures of school could be causing/contributing to your food issues, and I thought you said that you didn't believe they had. Well, sure seems like this is, indeed, at least part of what's been going on! I've always thought you to be mostly a stress eater, or, at least that's one of your triggers.

Re the therapist treating thy self, well, I reckon you know that adage about it. (it really is about doctors, tho, but it still applies :) ) Course, it's your decision, kiddo, and maybe it'll work out fine. But if it doesn't, there are resources to help. I think I mentioned checking with the County Mental Health dept. Some people don't pay anything, or, if they have a bit of income, the fee is on a sliding scale based on income. I just don'r want you to go without help if you really need it. BTW, did you read my previous post? Couldn't tell if you did. I know you're busy, tho, so it's quite all right if you didn't.

My hub is at the airport as I type awaiting a 9am flight to San Diego. Tomorrow he has surg. for a deviated septum. If all goes well he'll be home Thurs. It's just sooooo hard and soooo scary that he's away, but it was ever so much worse thru the cancer. If only they would hurry up and build the VA hospital here!! So, I'm quite tense, worried, etc - bad enough I can't be with him for the surgery, but I also worry about him flying, too. It still scares me and I may never fly again.

Anyhoo, you take care, Em, and write when you can. I always am here any time you need to vent. I care about you ever so much - I do all my girls!!

Char-treuse/pam :wave:

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