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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board


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hey all,
i'm new here, just joined about a week ago, and have been reading all of your wonderful posts :) . for the past 8 months or so, i've been binging pretty heavily, trying to stop, of course, but with success only a few days in a row before failing again. each time i go for a couple days without, i think, yes, it's over, but then something will go wrong and there we go again. i just went to see a social worker this morning, and will be set up with a therapist in about two weeks. my question is how helpful/effective is therapy? and is it better to be totally honest about everything or what? i don't know whether i'm going to get a male or female, or even which one i'd prefer. i'm just afraid that no matter who i end up with, they won't really understand what i'm going through. this is the first time i'm admitting this, but before i started binging, i was anorexic for a little over a year. though at the time i couldn't see that, cuz i was never skinny enough to qualify, nor did i restrict too heavily. but i realize that i'd count every calorie, plan every meal, write down everything i ate, never, ever go above 1000, but no matter how loose my pants got, and even though a strapless dress i wore to a dance nearly fell off of me, my body didn't look small enough. i loved going to bed hungry, and i would almost always dream about food, enough to convince myself i was full in the morning. my roommates would tell me how skinny i was, and friends and family commented too, but that only made me more determined to stay that way and lose more. then i got depressed and turned to food. but i would only binge about once a week, and the rest of the days i would eat very little. but when school started up again, i was stressed about a million and one things, and i just gave up on everything and turned head on to food. and now, needless to say, i've outgrown nearly every pair of pants i own (even the "fat" ones :eek: ), and am desperate to stop this compulsive eating. i wish i had the willpower back that i used to and just not eat, though i know that's unhealthy too. the problem is, a little part of me doesn't want to give up binging:mad:. why am i so screwed up?? :confused: part of me is just disgusted by my body, and the other part of me wants to know [I]why[/I] i have this insatiable urge to eat, eat, and eat some more. do you think a therapist will help me with that? ultimately, i'm the one making the decisions, right? i've bought sooo many books on eating disorders and "steps to overcoming..." but nothing can help until i kick myself and just accept the fact that i have the final say, right? i mean, why is it that i can be so rational in everything, but when it comes to food, i have no power? garr.... i just want to be "normal" again. anyway, sorry for ranting so long and complaining about a problem i created for myself :( ... thanks for reading... if you have anything to say or any thoughts on therapy or otherwise, i'd love to hear it...





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