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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board


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[QUOTE=dilemma]hey miss Pamerella:
i'm so sorry you're down in the dumps... don't feel bad about the Linda thing not working out. it's not your fault in anyway. it's no ones. the relationship just isn't working and it's time to move on, or change it somehow. after all, going around in circles isn't going to help anyone, least of all, you. the most important one. :).

i too was down today... if you read my post to rory earlier, i just had to cry. i don't know.. it's been aWHILE since crying alone--esp. in response to my inner turmoil... meaning, i cried alone when my grandmother passed away two years ago, and last year, when there was a tragic accident at school, but because of my inner feelings? not since childhood, when i'd cry myself to sleep. i usually find some way to avoid it... EATING, most notably. i just hate feeling that emptiness and sadness and pain... no, an aching. so i stuff the feelings down. *sigh*. why can't i just deal with the pain like i did when i was little? cry when it hurt, and get on with it? you know what? even back then, i used to use food as an 'escape'. but it wasn't for emotional reasons. i would complain of hunger every time i had to practice piano... because that was the only 'legit' excuse i could use as a break. somehow i still managed to stay skinny when i was young, always being in the 10% range for weight for my age (avg being 50%)... basically, VERY underweight. i think it was cuz i used to eat soooooooo slowly, and didn't really have an interest in food all that much, except that i could use it to avoid doing things i wasn't interested in. even now, even knowing that i'm struggling with emotional eating, my mom told me today--so if you want to eat anything, just go out and get it. and she ALWAYS says stuff like that. i guess it's part of being a mother--making sure your kids are fed and healthy. but i guess it's only an issue because i HAVE a problem. if only i were normal, the comment wouldn't mean anything. i'd just say okay and move on. now i dwell on it. thinking, well, if my mom says to get food when i want to that means it's okay, right? but rationally, i KNOW it's not. esp. if it's not for PHYSICAL hunger. *sigh*. and at the same time, she's definitely noticed the weight gain--who wouldn't notice a 40lb gain in less than a year?! *sigh*. the worst is that all my friends and classmates have not mentioned a thing about my weight. i guess it's taboo these days, but still. i just KNOW they're thinking it, and that totally influences the way i eat. in one sense, i don't want to eat too much in front of them, for fear of them thinking, well, THAT's why you're so fat. but in another sense, i don't want to just eat salad either, for fear they think, "oh, she's DIETING. ugh." or worse, "that's ALL you're eating?!" which makes me (again, irrationally) think i SHOULD be eating more--why am i such a freak about pleasing others?!?!:mad: and so i binge.

i'm sorry, i keep burdening you with my worries, and you have so many of your own. i do hope your day has ended better, and that your session tomorrow with linda goes well.

best,
~emmmms[/QUOTE]


Hiya Ms Emmi!!

I'm soooooooooooo sorry that it's taken me so long to answer your post!! I've no excuses - it's inexcusable.

I'm sooooooo sorry you had such a bad day, too, and I feel horribly guilty I didn't respond, so I will now....Well, Em, now that you're in therapy, too, I am very much hoping that all those things you mentioned - emptiness, sadness pain...will need to come to the surface. You can't keep them buried, and I know you know that. You are supposed to spew like a volcano when you are with your therapist, so that she can help you try to figure out why you're having these feeling, and from where they've come...and when, etc., etc. It is said that we compulsive overeaters are using food to make our pain feel better - but it's only a temporary fix...and besides, the problems are still there, launching us into yet another binge. I know how VERY difficult it is to tell our T's our innermost secrets, but it's a necessary thing if we are to get the help we need. I already think you are on the right track, and that you can be helped. I really do!! Don't judge anything by stubborn old me!! I'm just one of those weirdos who can't seem to get the hang of this thing, but I know you will.

I do so understand what you mean about your mom suggesting you eat, and your feelings about that. She doesn't know about this eating disorder, Em, and how tortured you are about it. Yes, we mothers do this re food - I still ask my son if he wants something to eat, not sure when he last ate, etc. Anyway, yes, you know it's not REALLY ok to get food because your mom says so, unless, of course, you really are hungry, so you are quite rational in your thinking.

As for your friends not saying anything about your weight gain, well, it would be awful if they did - very hurtful and inappropriate. But, you know me - I still think you need an ally, someone there to talk to when you are feeling so bad. And you really do need to enlist the help of your friends - if they are friends, they will understand and support you. And what is on your plate is NO ONE's business but yours. If you don't want them to know you're on a diet, and all you're having is a salad, so what? In this day and age, when people are ever so much more food- carb- and diet-conscious, I doubt they'd give it a second thought, anyway. If anything were ever mentioned, just say you aren't that hungry - no big deal, right?

Well, yes, so we binge, because we don't yet know another way or how exactly to stop. Maybe there is hope re hypnotherapy - did you read my other post re therapy yesterday? Gosh, wouldn't that be WONDERFUL if magically I would never overeat or eat the wrong foods again, because I REALLY didn't want to!!! Honestly, I can't even imagine that!!! Maybe you should ask your therapist what she thinks, as a possible solution for you, too. If you do it, I'll definitely do it. Should we make a pact?? :D

I sooo hope you are feeling better. I do miss hearing from you when you don't post in a while. Please let us know everything is OK.....OK???

HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Char/pam :wave:





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