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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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I feel completely hopless when it comes to battling my bulimia. I stopped once for years, but I am back at it full swing, every day. It is something I do when I am stressed, but also, a habbit, and a food addiction. And I honestly do think bulimia Is a food addiction for a lot of much as I HATE being bulimia...I love the food I get to eat when I binge...but hate myself afterwards everytime I purge. It is also making my boyfriends life completely stressful and I have tried to explain it to him, but he doesn't know what to do, (He doesn't understand that trying to keep me out of the bathroom doesn't help, because if I DON'T throw up after a binge, I will get physically sick anyways on my own because I have eaten so much I look 8 months pregnant and a person can't hold all of that food and fluid inside of them)
I love him dearly and want to get over this ***** because my life is falling apart more and more each day, but I am ADDICTED TO FOOD> :wave:
I know exactly how you feel!Im in the same boat wanting to get better because its taken over my life but at the same time terrified of letting go of the addiction!Its a viscious circle and i sometimes wonder if i do really want to recover because i havent put any effort that way lately,i'd rather just be left alone with my bulimia.I've lost friends because i cant be bothered to face them any more and i know im getting worse,really bad with the purging thing just now too.
Take care and keep on fighting
All right, I really need to vent and somehow this post invited me to do so... anyway...

I wish I had a success story, but I don't. I've had food issues on and off my whole life, but now at the age of 23 I have lost control for real. I eat and then automatically head to the bathroom. Hardly anything stays on my stomach. I obsessively count calories and *was* addicted to the scale, until my husband threw it out. All day everyday I think about what I want to eat. My clothes barely fit anymore, all fall off of me and I feel even dumpier then I did when I was teetering on the line of being overweight.

Almost everyone in my life knows I have "eating issues," but everyone turns a blind eye and no one takes it seriously - not even my psychiatrist or therapist, they both just tell me to start eating healthy. I take that as an invitation to keep getting worse, since no one pays it any attention, why should I? After every meal at night with my husband, I disappear off to the bathroom and if he hasn't heard me heaving or coughing then he's deaf. But, even still, he's afraid to confront me. Or doesn't want to confront me. Or doesn't care to confront me. I've even confessed to a good friend who battled with food isses with the hopes of someone helping me. She just forces me to sit and eat everything on my plate at meals now and if I don't, she gets mad... how wrong she is there... it just all comes right back up anyway. No one seems to care about the emotional turmoil I am in or the physical damage I am doing under the surface of my skin. But, I suppose that doesn't matter. No one can help me, but myself.

Everyday I disgust myself even more... I don't *like* sitting in the bathroom with vomit splashed on me, snot hanging out of my nose, my eyes stinging, and my body shaky and dizzy. But, I can't stop. Is it about control? Is it self-esteem? Is it an addiction? Is it a cry for help? Probably all of the above and much, much more. All I know is that one day I thought it was just a bad habit I had, and now today, bulimia has its death grip on me.

Anyway, sorry for all of that. But, I just thought I'd share my story. I know there are success stories out there and I hope to hear them.
Hi there,

Wonderingwhy - I also know exactly how you feel. Believe me I've been where you are today, and if you want to hear a success story to lift your spirits by giving you hope, I have one. :)

I have been battling eating disorders since the age of 13 or 14, suffered from depression for much of my childhood, and started self-injury when I was 11.

I've had so many lows I don't even care to remember. During 2002, when I was 16 and 17, I was at my worst. My anorexia had turned into bulimia, I was severely depressed, I cut myself just for the sake of feeling physical pain and I was so weak and tired because of my low weight I was fainting. I would cry at anything, my schoolwork suffered and I frequently thought about suicide. I was in therapy and on anti depressants but no matter what I did, I just never felt any better.

Until the last year or so (since I've left school) I must have been one of the shyest kids in the school. I could never speak up in class. I wouldn't talk to anyone but my closest friends. My anxiety was off the roof. I would post here almost every day. It was the only place I felt comfortable talking about these "personal" issues. I had so little confidence in myself and thought so little about the person I was, I never gave myself a chance to get better. I HATED myself. I hated who I was and I hated what I looked like. I was convinced that no one could ever love me and that I would die lonely and ugly. :( They were such horrible times.

I didn't just "one day" decide I was going to get better. I know these issues didn't develop overnight and they weren't going to go away overnight either. I had to give myself time.

With the support of my therapist and even some of my teachers, I gradually began to eat better and get more involved again with extra curricular activities, mainly including sport (I've always been very athletic, I really enjoy it). I turned my exercise plans to lose weight into plans focused namely on keeping fit for soccer. I studied, studied, studied and ended up getting excellent grades for the year (I was always careful not to let them slip too much anyway as it meant so much to me to be successful).

Finally I began to realise that I WAS worth something. That for all the bad things about me, there were equal amounts of good things. I don't consider myself beautiful, but I no longer detest myself and think I'm the ugliest human being that ever walked the planet.

I'm not hiding the fact, however, that giving up the bulimia was an easy thing to do. There have been many times during the past two or so years when I have resorted back to those behaviors, but mostly they were really short lived. There was a time last year when I began to feel as depressed as I ever was and it didn't go away, but this time I wasn't so scared to confide in someone. I talked to my mother, who I have become amazingly close with since first diagnosed with these mental illnesses. I then talked to my doctor who increased my dose of the anti depressant I am still taking this day. I also went to see another therapist, this time at the adult mental health clinic as I am no longer under 18. I couldn't continue with the therapy due to work commitments, however, I did begin to feel a lot better just knowing that there was someone out there who knew what I was going through, who was going to be there to support me.

I'm so much healthier now both emotionally and physically, although for the past few weeks I have been feeling a lot "lower" than I know I should. But I'm working on that too. :)

So... I guess that's my story, or part of it anyway. It's a success story, which is what you wanted to hear.

I wish you the very best in your own recoveries, all three of you. I know that one day there is every chance that you will be the one's here sharing their success stories with other members who are in the place that you are now. I wish you the world of luck. Stay strong and you will make it. I know it can be done now, because I've done it.

If you're serious about recovery, then PLEASE seek medical attention. It's a difficult thing to overcome, but with professional help, you CAN do it!

Take care!
i use to make myself throw up about twice each day~ always after my meal~ i love to eat..but i want to lose weight! did that for about a little bit less than a year~ if i eat..i feel really guilty.. Just thought that it's not the way to lose weight~ i guess it's also because i start to black out constantly and sometimes i threw up red stuff (at first i always convince myself that it's because i ate something that's red..i still don't know if it is or not..but it's just scary)~ I start eating a bit..counting the calories..trying to eat as little as possible and eating veggies and fruits and water. IT IS i'm on diet pill too to suppress my wanting of food. It works.. i still feel guilty about in-taking of food..seriously! ~and i hate blacking's scary although it's just for a second or two~ the longest black out i had was probably around 15 second~ it's scary..especially if you just walkin somewhere like on the road of downtown..~ of course i don't think i have this serious problem of bulimia (or is wut i did considered bulimia?) ~ that's why i can actually stop myself~ and also..i have an older sister who was effected by me..and start it. too~ i feel really bad >.<

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