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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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I know people break away from their ED's, and recover. I also know it takes a long time to do so. It just feels like this c**p is never gonna end - hence the title. I'm beginning to question whether I even began to recover, or was I just failing in what I wanted most - to lose? And making out to everyone else that I was trying so hard?! If I'm honest, I don't feel like I tried at all.....which is maybe why i'm where I am right now. I don't know where I am with it, and I dread to think where I would be without it. I need it so so much, but the thought of living with this for the rest of my life is just too depressing to think about. I'm confused.
I feel almost like I'm starving just to get to a point where I was before, I thought I could handle that, i think I've been under some kind of illusion that I could almost choose the aspects of my illness that I'd keep, and had gotten rid of the others, like purging, for good. It just seems to be all or nothing. My weight dropped again, and I'm not gonna pretend that I wasn't happy about seeing the number go down on the scale, cause I was........but I can't help but wonder where all of this ends - more to the point when??
I know the way my mind works, and I know the way losing weight affects me.......which is why I'm sad when I feel myself slipping and I know that the rest of my life - my relationship and my career will go with it. I can see that happening just thinking about it, but it doesnt even make a difference now because i want this too much. I know that what I should do is pick up the phone and call my therapist and tell her I'm struggling right now, but there's something in me thats too stubborn and would never admit to needing or even dream about asking for the help. Food is on my mind constantly again, and I sit there and cry because I know I'm hungry but can't let myself eat. Nothing is the right thing to eat - and I'm scared of how I feel after I eat. I am capable of feeding myself, so why can't I do it right? My head feels in such a mess. One minute I'm thinking I don't wanna do this anymore - but I do, and the next I'm planning my excuses not to eat or to get rid of it. I think I even lie to myself, It's not a case of not wanting to do it anymore, because I think I do and I'm scared of not doing it - maybe thats the problem? Maybe I'm scared because I don't know how not to do it. I don't know.....Is any of this making any sense to anybody???!! I feel like I'm going crazy. Anyway, I'm gonna take advantage of the fact I'm tired, and try get some sleep.

I hope that everyone is well, take care everyone

Ali xxx

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