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Ironically enough, I will be working in the bakery section of a grocery store! When my brother heard he asked why everything I do relates to food- I didn't apply for that reason! lol I applied b.c the pay is great!!

While I am excited that it will be my bday, I'm actually getting really really stressed out about the parties (friends party and family party) and what I'm going to eat and how i've got so much to do in the next couple days. When my friends are over I always make an enormous effort to look "normal"- that is, eat what they eat, do what they do, etc. So I can't have a diet coke when they all have regular coke. We're having burgers, hot dogs and fries for dinner, and cupcakes instead of bday cake. The burgers I'm a-ok with, and I've had them before. I plan to not have fries or a drink, just the burger with dressings and maybe some pickles on the side. hopefully that'll be "normal" enough for them not to say anything...

Today I became super stressed about these cupcakes. I never do well making food for myself because I always try to find ways to minimize the cals or something. I used the applesauce, which seemed to work fine. But then when I tried filling the cups, I couldn't get 24 out of the batter (and the box says it'll make 24)!! And I knew that meant more calories per cupcake, so I scooped and refilled and moved around batter to make 23 cupcakes, at which point the batter was only about filled 1/4 of the cups. When I popped them in the oven, I was worried that they wouldn't rise to a good size and that my mom/dad/friends would comment on them and accuse me of something. So I tried my "muffin-rise trick"- When you first put them in the oven, turn the heat upfor a couple minutes, then turn it back down to regular temp- the initial blast of heat will make them rise quickly. After a couple minutes I began to smell burning. great. I look in the oven to find a couple tops burnt...I ended up salvaging the rest, and they actually turned out fine. When I was pouring jello over the cakes, I thought they might tast really weird b/c I've never heard of pouring jello over them (as the recipe says to). So then I got worried that again they would taste weird, on top on the burnt-ness of some.

In the end, I got my dad to try one and he liked them, so I frosted them with light coolwhip and decorated them carefully (well the first few I measured, the rest look better but aren't measured..guess which ones I'm eating..). On top of that mess, I promised my mom I would clean up the house a bit, cuz she couldnt last night. I'm just stressing baout my eating tomorrow (my friends party) and the morning after (its a sleepover). For breakfast we're having Eggo's, syrup/icecream/coolwhip and strawberries. I really want to have the coolwhip and strawberries, but I would prefer to measure my coolwhip and strawberries, and I cant so I'm going to have to approximate (which always kinda freaks me out).

Then my family party... I'm not having much during the day to eat so I;ll feel more comfy eating later. I've decided on 2-3 pieces of pizza (depending on how others eat...what do you think is more normal? 2 or 3?) and 1/14 of an angel food cake, iced with a whipped topping. My mom is making the cake (due to my cupcake fiasco) and she is going to put 14 sliced strawberries around the rim of the cake, so each strawberry is one slice of the cake.

I know its really bad, but lately I've been eating way less (1200-1500 Cals). I had to force myself to have lunch because I just wasnt hungry and didnt want to eat. I want to eat to hunger, so I can kind of re-develop the full and hungry signals that I previously ignored so well. But I find I'm not hungry at all after breakfast (even before it, sometimes). I don't know if I should force myself to have the food so the calories add up properly, or just eat small meals because I have to eat something? I know I've felt hunger, so I find it hard to believe that it's just a simple matter of not knowing what hunger feels like.

As much as I like my birthday, it's also a major stress period, because it's one meal after another that I can't do what I like (measure, count cals, etc). It's also very focused on ME, so I can't exactly just NOT have cake or something, like I could at my brother's party.

How are you doing!? Probably better than I am...how did yesterday night/tonight go? Hope you're doing great and are happy happy!!
Hugs
GG
[QUOTE=girlygirl11]Ironically enough, I will be working in the bakery section of a grocery store! When my brother heard he asked why everything I do relates to food- I didn't apply for that reason! lol I applied b.c the pay is great!!

While I am excited that it will be my bday, I'm actually getting really really stressed out about the parties (friends party and family party) and what I'm going to eat and how i've got so much to do in the next couple days. When my friends are over I always make an enormous effort to look "normal"- that is, eat what they eat, do what they do, etc. So I can't have a diet coke when they all have regular coke. We're having burgers, hot dogs and fries for dinner, and cupcakes instead of bday cake. The burgers I'm a-ok with, and I've had them before. I plan to not have fries or a drink, just the burger with dressings and maybe some pickles on the side. hopefully that'll be "normal" enough for them not to say anything...

Today I became super stressed about these cupcakes. I never do well making food for myself because I always try to find ways to minimize the cals or something. I used the applesauce, which seemed to work fine. But then when I tried filling the cups, I couldn't get 24 out of the batter (and the box says it'll make 24)!! And I knew that meant more calories per cupcake, so I scooped and refilled and moved around batter to make 23 cupcakes, at which point the batter was only about filled 1/4 of the cups. When I popped them in the oven, I was worried that they wouldn't rise to a good size and that my mom/dad/friends would comment on them and accuse me of something. So I tried my "muffin-rise trick"- When you first put them in the oven, turn the heat upfor a couple minutes, then turn it back down to regular temp- the initial blast of heat will make them rise quickly. After a couple minutes I began to smell burning. great. I look in the oven to find a couple tops burnt...I ended up salvaging the rest, and they actually turned out fine. When I was pouring jello over the cakes, I thought they might tast really weird b/c I've never heard of pouring jello over them (as the recipe says to). So then I got worried that again they would taste weird, on top on the burnt-ness of some.

In the end, I got my dad to try one and he liked them, so I frosted them with light coolwhip and decorated them carefully (well the first few I measured, the rest look better but aren't measured..guess which ones I'm eating..). On top of that mess, I promised my mom I would clean up the house a bit, cuz she couldnt last night. I'm just stressing baout my eating tomorrow (my friends party) and the morning after (its a sleepover). For breakfast we're having Eggo's, syrup/icecream/coolwhip and strawberries. I really want to have the coolwhip and strawberries, but I would prefer to measure my coolwhip and strawberries, and I cant so I'm going to have to approximate (which always kinda freaks me out).

Then my family party... I'm not having much during the day to eat so I;ll feel more comfy eating later. I've decided on 2-3 pieces of pizza (depending on how others eat...what do you think is more normal? 2 or 3?) and 1/14 of an angel food cake, iced with a whipped topping. My mom is making the cake (due to my cupcake fiasco) and she is going to put 14 sliced strawberries around the rim of the cake, so each strawberry is one slice of the cake.

I know its really bad, but lately I've been eating way less (1200-1500 Cals). I had to force myself to have lunch because I just wasnt hungry and didnt want to eat. I want to eat to hunger, so I can kind of re-develop the full and hungry signals that I previously ignored so well. But I find I'm not hungry at all after breakfast (even before it, sometimes). I don't know if I should force myself to have the food so the calories add up properly, or just eat small meals because I have to eat something? I know I've felt hunger, so I find it hard to believe that it's just a simple matter of not knowing what hunger feels like.

As much as I like my birthday, it's also a major stress period, because it's one meal after another that I can't do what I like (measure, count cals, etc). It's also very focused on ME, so I can't exactly just NOT have cake or something, like I could at my brother's party.

How are you doing!? Probably better than I am...how did yesterday night/tonight go? Hope you're doing great and are happy happy!!
Hugs
GG[/QUOTE]


Hi gg!

Awww, sweetie, I soooo hate to see you so stressed!!! OK, remember what we talked about before, those 2 weeks you're going to be at your friend's cottage? To just try to enjoy it and deal with "the scale" LOL when you get home? Well, this is ony 3 days, right? It's your birthday!! PLEASE just enjoy it all!! OK, OK, I know that is easier said than done - but think of it as a 3 day test for your 2 week vacation. You know, think of it as an experiment!! LOL OK, let's get serious now :) I have another idea - who among your invited friends is the one closest to your height and weight? Ok, watch what she eats and take your cues from her. She took 2 pieces of pizza? YOU take 2 pieces. Ooops! I just reread your post and you said you more or less do that - but there's nothing wrong with that! As for the hamburger, how about mustard onion and pickle - all 3 have virtually no calories, so you can have a few fries if you want so you can look "normal". And you can have a regular coke - if it's in a can, they're not going to know how much you drank out of it, right? Or, if it's poured in glasses, pour your diet coke in a glass while they're not looking. LOL You probably know and have thought of more tricks than I have by now. :D As for the breakfast, lite Cool Whip and strawberries are hardly any calories. Did you say that you used the applesauce in the cupcakes instead of oil? So just think how many calories you saved there! If you did use applesauce, your dad didn't notice, right? You really can't tell the difference as I have done this sooooo many times.

Sweetie, I believe you will do just fine. I want you to just enjoy your birthday celebrations and deal with "the scale" Mon. Even if you gain one lb (and I would be amazed!) what is one lb?? Even 2?? You are NOT going to magically sprout a big sign that says "I GAINED 2 POUNDS!!!!!!" No one will notice, least of all you. I do understand why you are getting a bit frazzled about the things that need to be done by tomorrow - so just concentrate on the chores and forget about food. You will be so busy burning off calories doing chores that you can "afford" to splurge some on your birthday!!

No, I am not happy, because I'm too worried about YOU!!!! :D On Mon. I want to hear that you had a terrific weekend and just enjoyed every minute...because that's the way it should be!!! And again, happy birthday!!!

Hugs!!!!!
Char :wave: Oh, and I did chuckle a bit about working in a bakery!! ;)
[QUOTE=girlygirl11]Hiya char!
Yes, your ice cream is an addiction, but really, how badly do you WANT to give it up? Im positive that the more you want to give it up, the more ways you'll find you'll be able to! I understand about not wanting to fill up- I dont like being full at ALL, let alone overly so. I was surprised at the time at which you eat- Im scared to eat past 830 (for a snack!) let alone 1 am! But everyone likes their own thing...so why dont you push dinner back MORE...like to 12 30 ish..that way you wont be hungry for your ice cream (as much). OR why dont you go to bed at 12 00!!! That way you wont be able to eat ice cream (and dont let yourself get up to get it!! Lock the door!!) Remember you ARENT hopeless...that's just an excuse!

So I went to the party yesterday...it was fun. A little hard, because the food wasnt...regular food lol...they had tons of sides (like rice dishes, pasta salads, potato salads, caesar, etc), porketta, and mac and cheese. I took a reasonable, normal amount of pasta, potato, caesar salad, meat, nachos and veggies. I thought it was pretty good. An hour or so later, I was still hungry! So my mom and I split some more nachos (with lots of CHEESE..eee). Then they brought out cake and fruit and desserts (and the chocolate-raspberry cupcakes I had made for them!) I had a small square of cake (just plain white cake and icing) and some berries. Then an hour later, i was still a tad hungry (or a feeling that i mightve mistook as hunger) and I had a cupcake...I think overall I did well...when i asked my mom if I ate too much (as I believe i mightve) she said "NO - you could have MORE if you wanted to!" which made me feel better. But I still worry! Anyways that's over and done with...so no more worried for a while (at least till I hit the cottage again). Im proud that I could eat the dinner regularly, but I think I could skip dessert next time!!:D

Aur- Oreos ARE good! They're just like char described...2 chocolate wafers with a vanilla frosting inside..and just like chary said..had you found them, you might not be in this mess! :D But even so..how are you doing? Eating plenty i hope ;)! Hows the recovery ratio? Im hoping the recovery side is rising quickly!! Have you talked to the girls yet? I know the nurses are rele strict on those wards...hopefully you'll be able to read this soon! Keep up the great work!
xox
gg[/QUOTE]


Hiya GG!!!

See, this is just the problem!! I want to give up my ice cream as bad as I want to be slim!!!! They are even Steven!! Neck in neck! Except...obviously...the ice cream always has a slight edge. But see, that's what makes this addiction so difficult...just like any other addiction. If I could give it up so easily, I wouldn't have an addiction.....huh??? Well, I think you know what I mean. LOL

Oh..no!! I don't eat dinner at 1am - that's when I have the icecream. Dinner is anytime between 9-10pm, generally. Sometimes later, but that's because it's gotten crazier with everything having to do with buying the house, the move, etc. My hub works second shift so he doesn't get home til about 12:30am, so this is why we're on a later schedule. Well, it may SEEM that when I say I'm hopeless it's an excuse, but it really isn't, to me, anyway. Because I really believe it's true...whether it is or isn't...if that makes sense?

What is porketta? Never heard of it. It sounds like you did very well at the party. I just knew you would! I'm curious about something that you said again in this post...why do you often ask your mom if you've eaten too much, was your eating OK, etc? I wonder because...she can't know how your tummy feels??? Also, I think by now, you have the hang of "visuals" of what you have had, and are, eating. I think it's time to trust your own instincts. Besides, being that you have had, and are in recovery from, anorexia...something tells me you'd never allow yourself to eat too much!! So I just wonder about these things, is all. Anyway, glad you had a great time, and I just know you will do well at the cottage. Trust yourself!! From what you have been saying these many weeks, I think it's time you did!!

HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Charly :wave:





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