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[QUOTE=Charlyssa]Hi GG!!!

I answered your post yesterday but the Boards went down while I was trying to "post reply" - I saved it (by "cutting"), but couldn't ever get back. Gave up, and then forgot that when I sign off, I lose what I "cut"...which I found out later when I tried to "paste". It was such a long post, too!! Oh, well.....

Well, even if there isn't MUCH to tell, I still care about you and want to know how things are going. I am a worry wart, and if someone isn't talking much, I get concerned and wonder if everything is OK. And now Quench has been gone for a while, and I am REALLY worrying about her, as she has a very rough situation at home.

Actually, my having no appetite during the day goes beyond that, into...I DARE not eat anything that will make me sick. I can't even have boiled eggs, much less, anything else with fat in it, as it will llay in my stomach for hours undigested, then make me terribly nauseous. And if you have ever gone thru nausea, you know how awful it is. So, I don't dare eat more than I know I can tolerate. I know it's a very strange condition, and it has even puzzled Doctors. I have had sooooooo many tests, and all they can come up with is that it's because of the gall bladder surgery 30 years ago. They say we really do need every organ in our body, except maybe the appendix - back in the day when I had mine removed, they felt it was really a useless organ. But I have read in recent years - and maybe because of people like me!!! - that the gall bladder is there for a reason, and it DOES have something to do with the digestion of fats. Soooooo, there isn't much I can do, and I have basically been told what I already had figured out, that I need to stay away from anything that makes me sick. Being that I have my "breakfast" toward mid afternoon, I really feel quite full, and remain so until around 9pm, by which time I've developed an appetite, and can eat some things that I probably shouldn't, of course. As for my lat-night ice cream....hmmmm......I can honestly say it really isn't about hunger at all - it's a craving, a want, a need, a must-have, and all kinds of disgusting things like that. THAAT is the habit??? I really must break, but of which, so far, has been oh so painfully impossible to accomplish. I guess that IS what makes this an eating disorder, I suppose. Food should only be a NEED when one is hungry - it shouldn't be an addiction, which is certainly how I've come to think of it. See? And now you know why I hate discussing myself - I feel soooo many negatives about it.

I do so understand how you feel about counting calories and watching your weight. How could I possiblt blame you??????? If I did that I wouldn't be where I'm at today. I actually think you are doing pretty well! I think you handled your birthday weekend like most anyone would, and I'm glad you were able to enjoy what you ate, and not let it ruin the celebrations. I just know you will do wonderfully when you are having the 2 week stay with your friend!
Hope you've been having a terrific weekend!!

HUGS!!!!!!!!!
Charly :wave:[/QUOTE]

Hey Charrrrr,

I cant say I've ever had the baords go down on me or anything, but I've had some weirdness lol.

Dont worry when I dont really talk much about me...really, its more a case of there's nothing new to report, so I would just assume whatever was my most recent state is my current. I WILL tell ya if any new things come up. For example, right now, I'm trying to speed up my metabolism by eating more (not like overeating, just what i really should be- 2200-2400 rather than 1500-1700 Cals per day). This'll be better cuz if my metab is used to more, I'll be able to handle going out and things more (like when with friends etc)

As much as Im happy you understand, I have to kinda disagree. To me, and to basically everyone around me, eating normally, even at a slender weight, means NOT counting calories, being worried about losing/gaining and weighing myself. Thats what Im working towards...because as much as it kind of makes sense to others, really, the whole point of being "normal" is to not be worried AT ALL about weight, calories, food etc. And though I did eat well DURING my party, I still dont think that my ED was completely taken care of..in many ways it DID ruin my party...I had to prepare a menu with my mom, and order certain pizza, the cake HAD to be done a certain way, the cupcakes- well you know how those were just crazy, etc. If I was more normal, and my ED didnt ruin anything, then my mom couldve surprised me completely with all my fav foods and cakes and things..and my friends and I couldve gone OUT to dinner, etc. Its not ALL like it seems!!:D

Another thing (no no Im not mad about it all, just giving my 2 cents) - eating (even normally) doesnt always mean eating food for just energy. A LOT of ppl (that are at healthy weights) eat based on cravings, the presence of a particular food, even a "need" for it. Look at the stereotype for most women- chocolate...many women would say chocolate isnt a craving its a NEED. Like people NEED coffee...and people who are like that dont have EDs right??

Also, a while back you were saying that you felt stupid on this board b/c you were overweight and everyone else was thin, thus making it seem like everyone but you had a problem. There is a post, called "Anyone overweight and bulimic?" (WHICH YOU RESPONDED TO!!) that has a few people with your exact concerns (diff disorder, same principles). My favourite advice was given by a member named Charlyssa- ever hear of her? Well, you should look into the advice she gave on that thread- its so true, completely brilliant, and applies perfectly to you and your thoughts! :D

My weekends been pretty good, but pretty much uneventful! Hope your weekend is great! Happy 4th of July!

GG
[QUOTE=Quencher]Pam:
Of course I understand, silly! I know very well that you have a life outside of these Boards. Everyone does.

You did all those things for your kids—really????? No kidding? Wow, that’s amazing. They don’t even do that on TV, LOL! What a great mother you are. I’m sure both of your kids love you very much.

Re the meds, well, I'm sure at some point my parents fed me medicine, I can't remember it, though. They haven't done so in a long, long time obviously. The last I checked, whenever I had a fever, my dad would ask "So when are you gonna die?" And whenever I had a cough, "You brought this upon yourself, didn't you? You sick bast*rd??" Hence, I don't even bother telling them anymore.

At one point, I stopped the exercising ‘cause I didn’t “care” anymore, and I gained 6 pounds in 7 days. Because of this, I recommenced. I can’t seem to cut down on the exercising now. When I don’t binge, I take the opportunity to exercise in event OF a binge. And when I DO binge, my mindset is, “every calorie counts,” and I will exercise until I collapse to burn calories—whether it’s three, six, nine, or nine HUNDRED calories at a time. Plus, it’s like a punishment in a way. “THIS is what you get for bingeing, you fool!” It’s a cycle. I diet, binge, diet, binge, diet, and binge. And these exercise sessions are QUITE tiring, I might add.

Okay, now you’re confusing ME, LOL! In post #122 you said, “…you say you're not fat…” So, that would mean you thought I said I wasn’t fat.
Then in post #123, you said, “You say things about yourself that just aren't true...like, that you're fat!” This, on the other hand, suggests that you thought I said I WAS fat. You just contradicted yourself. :D But anyway, to clear things up, I never said I wasn’t fat. I said I WAS fat, but not overweight.

I have been trying to diet for months and keep failing.” Well, the point system will help motivate you, and hopefully everyone else too!! It’ll be one of the many benefits. And a little competition can’t hurt. Think of it like this, “would you want a bunch of 16 year olds beating you in a game?? What a shame THAT would be!” So therefore, you would keep trying and trying—not JUST to diet, but to win also. Then again, a successful diet would mean you've won. That’s how I see it anyway. I just hope that you're not just saying you'll try it and then just forget about it afterwards.

I DARE you to find ONE thing about myself that isn't true, in these threads!!”
Easy, the fact that you’re hopeless. That took exactly three seconds. Any other challenges?

EDIT:
Oh, yeah, I'd like to add something RE "I don't know if it will get easier with time - it never did before...but then, while dieting, I always disallowed ice cream and desserts and chips, etc., etc., while on the diet. The cravings for "bad" foods never stopped, which is, obviously, the reason the weight piled back on."

I know you addressed it to Aury, but I'd like to comment on it also. Hope you don't mind?

You don't diet by disallowing yourself certain foods. You don't diet by separating good foods from bad foods. "Dieting" in this manner is called depriving yourself of the foods you love. And deprivation leads to overeating, and ultimately giving into cravings. Because the more you deprive yourself of something, the more you'd want it. So it's OKAY to have "bad foods" while dieting, as long as it's in moderation. It's...um... well... it's no wonder you were never able to keep the weight off!!!! When the diet fails, you don't blame the "diet," but you blame yourself instead!!!! Hating yourself and hating your body will not make you slimmer. If it did, well, everyone would be slimmer!!! You see, it's not so much WHAT you eat that causes weight gain, but rather when and how much. And although eating right IS a factor... it's not the main one. The main one is how your body PHYSICALLY feels after eating. The fact that you're not stuffed after eating, and the fact that you were hungry to begin with BEFORE you ate, lol. Which means, YOU CAN HAVE YOUR ICECREAM! But you can only have your ice cream if, and only if, you are hungry... and your BODY is craving for it... and not your mind. You only "MUST" need your ice cream when you are hungry, and at no other time. So no more, "I MUST have my icecream," you hear? ;) Don't set a time in the day when you should have this or that. Wait till you're physically hungry before you have it, and STOP when you're physically satisfied-- NOT when you're emotionally. Does that make any sense?
Look at me talking as if I've just met you, LOL! : But sometimes I have to forget who I'm talking to in order to avoid beating around the bush because I know I tend to "go easy" on people who I have stronger and longer relationships with... due to fear of upsetting that persona and hence losing that relationship, and well, there's nothing I can tell you about apprehension that you don't already know, so I'll shut up now.



Hiya Quench!!

OK, sigh......looks like we have to argue again. :) Your 5th paragraph, I think you have this a bit wrong, sweetie - YOU are the one that is contradicting yourself. You have said you are not fat...but you most CERTAINLY have referred to yourself as fat previously. In fact, when I first "met" you, on my very first thread, I remember you saying you were were fat! Maybe that's just how you FEEL sometimes, I don't know. This is why I was confused as to whether you were/are actually fat or not. Okeydokey? :D And I completely give up re overweight isn't fat, fat isn't overweight, etc. :confused: I think I have too much on my mind these days!!

Sweetie, I HAVE been trying and trying for a LONG time to diet, and ther is absolutely nothing that has motivated me - not my weight, not my ugly fat, not what the scale says, not my embarrassment over my weight, not my embarrassment to even be seen in public....if none of this has done it, well, I don't know what will. The truth is, at least for now, the point system will do nothing more than constantly remind me of what a failure I am. I'm sorry. This is why I say, and truly believe, that I am "hopeless" - I have seen no evidence to the contrary, in YEARS now. So, you need to find something else! :D

Of course I don't mind, silly! You are free to comment on anything, anywhere! I will say that what you have said, re dieting and deprivation, is most definitely a newer way of looking at things. You must remember my age!! decades ago diets DID mean deprivation - you must stay away from all fattening things. Back then, no one thought of the future as far as dieting - just the here and now. No one ever said how to KEEP the weight off. No one talked about changing eating habits PERMANENTLY. Now, don't misunderstand - this is not an excuse. I am simply stating that for most of my life, up until the past...decade?? or so, this is the way it was, and what I got used to. You know what you said about exercising, that it's a way to punish yourself for bingeing?? Welp! That's exactly the way feel about a diet. I have gained so much weight that I DESERVE to suffer - and what better way than to not eat ANY of the foods I like?? OK, that is part of it, but not all - the other problem is that I just can't do portion control. If I can't have what I what, then I won't eat it at ALL!! It's not only maybe a bit of stubbornness LOL but also, well, I just CAN"T!!!!!!!!! I don't do MODERATION!!! Better to not have it at all! See??? Hopeless!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will have this engraved on my tombstone - "Here lies Charlyssa. She was hopeless. And she's lying here as proof of that."!!!! Anyway, I can't fault a single thing you have said..IN THEORY...because I have heard this many times before in recent years. I have tried, OOHHHH how I have tried. Am I starving to death when I have my ice cream? NO! I WANT ice cream - I NEED my ice cream. I LOVE my ice cream!!!! The problem is...it's an addiction. If I COULD stop, I would. Yes, I well understand what I SHOULD do, but so far, I haven't been able to. Have you been able to stop bingeing? Have you tried this yourself? If it were so easy to do, would you even be here? Would I?? Would Dilemma have been here? I will again say that everything you have said is true, and the way it SHOULD be. It's the getting there.......and I'm just not there, quite apparently. So this is why I hate myself, because IT is stronger than ME.

You never have to fear what you tell me, nor feel our friendship is at risk. I appreciate that you, and any/everyone, takes the time to try to help me. It's just that...that...I'm...I'm.................HOPELESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Besides, I certainly tell you off plenty!! LOL We all do that, I think, because we care about each other, and we all know each other's struggles, even tho they may be different...in many ways they are the same. Or so I think...but I could be wrong..... :D

HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Charly :wave:





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