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[QUOTE=Quencher]Pam:
I don’t intentionally tear myself to shreds. I just… do it. I don’t see it as a way of putting myself down either. Just as a way of reminding everyone, and myself, of mere reality. The truth of who I really am, and what I’ve always been told I was, and therefore am. If everyone has always been telling me these things for so many, many years, there must be SOME truth in it, right? Or else, why say it? And as for believing you— I believe that you’re being honest and are nothing but a sincere person. I just can’t accept some things you say because you SEEM (not necessarily “are”)… hmm… wrong...? ([I]Ducks head under covers.[/I] Please don’t hurt me, LOL!) It’s just what you say is completely opposite of what others have said, and what I think is true. Which, is why I’m always “arguing” with you, you see? Am I making any sense? LOL. We're going in circles, aren't we?

But you’re wrong about my self-esteem being virtually nothing. I still have a bit left… somewhere!!!!! See, lemme prove it to you. Um, I like my dimples and I think they’re pretty, if only I had the nice face to go with it, though! I’m pretty good at folding origami and rollerblading, though not the best. I WAS a good singer. And I can count calories fairly well. See? The list is….errrrr…endless!!! :D

LOL, and thanks for the lesson on phone dialing. It has been a while since I’ve called someone. I wasn’t sure whether to read the number from left to right or right to left. Thanks for clearing that up.
Why is it that you can put it into words so well? I would’ve never thought of putting it that way. Like I said, I’m very juvenile for my age. But anyhoo, what if you don’t know exactly... what you’re applying for?
And hey, you didn’t update me on yourself!!! Don’t think you’re getting away that easily. :nono:

GG:
I object to your new rule! Sustained? I think I hear sustained. Okay, sustained. ;)
Anyway, like you, I feel that looks don’t really matter. (Except for myself, because I’m the exception because I am, so therefore, I am. But when it’s with others, looks don’t matter to me at all. I’ve spoken to people who are like a TRILLION pounds (or maybe a bit less and it has never bothered me. If they didn’t shower, though, or is carrying a bomb… then I’ll admit I’ll try to avoid the person. But I’m assuming y’all shower… and don’t carry bombs around??? And thanks for the advice RE the interview. My only problem is sitting in a room alone with someone… and just, TALKING to them, and staring into their eyes. And how ever will I get myself to stop fidgeting? LOL.[/QUOTE]



Hiya Quencheroony!!

OK, let me see if I have this straight: 1), You don't INTENTIONALLY tear yourself to shreds, you just do it. Hmmm. OK...2) You don't see it as a way of putting yourself down (you just do it, anyway!) 3) You see it as a way of reminding everyone (why?????????) and you, of "reality". YOUR reality...your perception of yourself, no matter how wrong you've been told you are.....for MONTHS now! And it wasn't all that long ago that we had a long discussion about things you have been told, as far back as you can remember, that are patently untrue. Sigh........but I do understand why you would believe it all, instead of the things I have told you...but if you keep repeating all these negatives, all you're doing is reinforcing them. And the more you do it, the more you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of staying in this rut, believing they are right (yeah, just like they're right that you don't need glasses!!) and therefore, never trying to break free from these emotional walls around you. Believe me, I've seen what they've done to you, Quench, and I CAN understand why you have many of the thoughts and feelings that you do...but you are old enough to check anything out that you want to. The net has a wealth of info about everything imaginable. You can even read things by psychiatrists, as to why adults are the way they are, and how soooo much of it stems from their childhood and upbringing. There is MUCH psychological damage done to a child by telling them any number of things. Such as: You're stupid! You're fat! I wish you were never born! You almost killed me giving birth to you! You're a -----/------/------! (swear words) Then besides emotional abuse, there is the physical abuse. These are incredibly damaging to the mind of a child. BUT!! They aren't impossible to overcome. By now you should know that much of what they've said isn't true. Anything else that you have doubts about, get on the net and find out the truth. I have told you soooo many times that you are very smart, and you ARE!! Dispel the myths and bury them - and may they RIP!! They don't define who you are, Ms. Quench. Find out the truth, as the truth will, most assuredly, set you free. :D No, I don't expect you to believe me about things I say - I wish you would, because I have no agenda, no reason for being anything other than honest with you...and I do understand why you'd believe others....that's why I say to find out the truth yourelf. I desperately want you to know the truth!

Re the job...you asked what if you don't know what you're applying for...I think you need to give me an example. Do you mean like, seeing a poster in a shop window, "Help wanted"? Well, you go in and ask to speak to the owner or mangager, introduce yourself, and sa that you are inquiring about the "help wanted" sign in the window. At that point THEY will tell YOU the position they have open. If they don't tell you what the job entails, then you ask him or her. This usually opens up dialog about the job, they will probably tell you what it pays, the hours, etc., they may ask you to fill out an application - maybe/maybe not. And don't worry about fidgeting Quench. You are not a sophisticated 30 year old and you aren't expected to be anything other than a nervous 16 year old eager to make a good impression. As both GG and I have told you, the more you do this the more practiced you will get and the easier the process will be, because you'll know better what is expected of you, you'll be more poised. more confident, etc. The worst that can happen is that, for whatever reason, they won't hire you. SO FREAKIN' WHAT!! Just jump back in the saddle and trot down to the next job opening! :D Very few times to people get hired on the spot. You can understand why they'd want to talk to several kids before they make a final decision, right? That's just the way it is. So don't let it bother you - just get out there and try, and keep trying. OK? Sooner or later you'll find something as long as you keep a smile on your face and a positive attitude, and KEEP TRYING!!!!!!

And BTW, yes, I shower - every day, sometimes twice a day, and I also wear deoderant. LOL If we go out somewhere I wear makeup and fix my shoulder-length curly hair nice. OK? :D Oh, and I'm OK, and thank you for inquiring!! :D


HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Char :wave:
[QUOTE=Quencher]Pam: CONTINUE... PART III. :D

RE “taking answers from another thread.” That’s not what I meant. I actually said another “messageboard.” ;) In which case, you’ll have NO way of reading any of the negatives, whatsoever. :D But anyway, if you don’t want to, that’s okay.

You asked my about my eating. Do you REALLY want to know? I think you’ll regret that you had asked. All I can say is that I’ve given in. I give up. This past week, I've gained 6 pounds. That's RIGHT, 6 pounds in 7 days!!! And don’t wish to try anymore. It’s gone WAY too out of hand, and there’s absolutely nothing I, myself, can do about it. I say this because even AS I’m bingeing, I tell myself not to, but I still do. Even when I KNOW I can’t “possibly” shove another cracker down my throat, I still do. I even analyze to myself before eating!!!
“Man, I’m STUFFED. I don’t think I can eat anymore!!” So...
“Do I NEED this?—no.”
“Do I WANT this?—no.”
“Is it worth it?—no.”
“Does it even TASTE good? –no.”
“Shouldn’t I be trying to beat this ED?—Yes.”
“Should I have it anyway?—Sure, why not?”
MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH!!!!!! ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! :mad: :mad: :mad:!!!!!!!! WHY DO I DO THIS?!?!?!?!!!!!!!! WHY??????? I’m so mad at myself, I’m in tears right now!!!!!!!!! Pam, this ISN’T how I want to spend my summer!!!!!!! Summertime’s suppose to be FUN, stress-free!! I don’t want to spend EVERY SINGLE MINUTE of the day worrying over food, exercising (haha, I'm even too lazy for that now), and then bingeing, and then feeling guilty afterwards, and then crying my heart out in the end!!!!!!!! Don't I put up with enough ALREADY??? Why am I always being punished??? What did I do to have deserved all this?? Maybe I was naughty in a previous life? Or, maybe… I was born a little devil like my parents say!!!!! They MUST be right because it's SO obvious to me that SOMEBODY hates me out there!! And that a higher being, if any, despises me very very much-- definitely not on MY side. It’s not supposed to be this way!!! Wahhhhhh!!!

I want so much to stop, but I CAN’T!!! And let’s face it—if there’s going to be ANY progress, whatsoever, I’d need more assistance than I’m getting now—MUCH more. I’d need to be refined and under surveillance at all times, no kidding, LOL. I NEED discipline. And since beating MYSELF doesn’t work, I want someone else to. Heck, I wish that my dad would beat the crap out of me like he always does, and ORDER me to stop eating. I wish he’d tie me down on a chair and duct tape my mouth, and then wack me every time I want to eat. That’ll do the trick, for sure!! Too bad he doesn’t do favors...

Anyway, I’ll answer your other thread tomorrow because I need to wake up early tomorrow because I have to go back to my stupid school to sign up to retake a stupid test because I did so poorly on the stupid test the first time around, and therefore I have to take over the stupid, stupid, stupid, STUPID TEST!!! Am I making sense? LOL! ARGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If I weren’t so dumb, then I wouldn’t have to go back tomorrow in the FIRST PLACE????!!!!! But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I just haddddddddd to be so stupid!!!!!! ARGHHHHH. Don’t mind me. I’m a BIT on the nutty side tonight!!! So, so, SOOOOOOOOOOOO frustrated!!!! ... and sleepy, too!![/QUOTE]


My poor little Quenchacutie, it is sooooooo not fair for you to have to suffer like this, and I wish there were some way I could help you. I feel so bad because you DON'T deserve this ed on top of everything else you suffer. No, you're not being punished for being bad in another life or anything else. This ed had just got a hold of you, the same it does to everyone else, and it doesn't let go easily. Could you talk to your mom? Maybe sometime when your dad isn't home? You DO need to tell someone so they can help you, like with just about anything else, until you're 18, at which time, I sooo hope you will explore ways of getting help on your own. Your ed, I really don't know what to say or how to help, because I don't have those thoughts or feeling...just as I've told Aur before, because I can't understand hers, either. I can't understand looking in the mirror and thinking you look "fat" when you are emaciated. Nor can I understand eating the way you have described and eating until I've made myself sick, and yet, continuing to eat. All I DO know is that they say re eating disorders, is that it's really not about the food - but something deeper, something psychological...and when you find out what that is, it's supposed to either help, or you can BE helped by therapy. WEEEEEEELL!!!!!! Not so with me, any of it! I have figured out where the problem comes from, and that didn't help. I went thru therapy and THAT didn't help. I don't yet know what the answer is for me......much less yours....but i wish I did!! Then neither of us would have to be so miserable and we would be happy and our cravings, binges, whatever...would be a non-issue!! I did mention a theory I have about yours, tho, and I can't help but wonder if that might be at least part of the problem. But honey, just know that you can'r "eat" away the problem. All the food in the world put in your mouth won't solve anything. And that's all I really know to tell you..that's all I know, period. Not much, aaay?? I wish I could take it all away for you, hug you and hold you and tell you "everything will be OK", just like you said in a previous post. If only it were that simple!! But at least know I'm here for you anytime you need to vent and "sob" in the post.

I know you don't want to spend your summer this way!! This is why I had been encouraging you to try to find a job, or go do ANYTHING that will keep you busy, so that you're not obsessed with food. That's actually what I think happened to Miss Emma Dilemma. I think she got away from all her stress with school, she's probably working and very busy, and her ed isn't much of a problem now, or maybe it's no problem at all! At least that's what I hope for her...it's what I have to believe, I guess, because I have been very worried about her. Anyhoo, so, this is why I have hoped that you would try to look for a job, and why I've been coaching you about how to talk to people on the phone. I KNOW you would be happier to be working and busy....so PLEASE, just TRY to call these places, OK? And keep walking around the neighborhood looking for signs in windows...or look in those cheep neighborhood flyers in the help wanted section. I just kow that something is out there for you!!! But you won't find it if you DON'T LOOK!!!!!!! :D

So, did you take the stupid, stupid, stupid, STUPID (did I forget a stupid??) test?? I will pray that you did well!!!

HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Charly :wave:
Hey Aur! It's great that youre moving to the ED ward finally! You've been there before right? I found it SO intimidating..the hardest part was on bedrest for 3 wks..and knowing I;ll have to go eat with everyone..I was worried they wouldnt think I was THAT sick..that and I was just plain scared of associating with them lol! I know waht you mean about the empty feeling. I sometimes now even get the longing for it..I feel hungry, but I look at myself and dont see skin and bones..so I wonder why I should feed myself! The best thing for me to do, to get over these thoughts, is to just try my very best to ignore them. I stay away from mirrors (at one point, when I first came home from the hospital, I covered ALL my mirrors with paper so I didnt see myself!), and I dont look or prod at my tummy. I occupy myself with other things..lately it's been this board, but in the hospital my mom brought my knitting, friendship bracelts to make, books/magazines to read, stained glass window kits, hatching kits, etc. Get your hubby to bring you some art kits from an arts store...trust me it'll definately help pass the time! and please try not to think about the number they want you to eventually gain to. Do it by week...you know you look horrible at this weight right? You know you could really use some weight on your too-tiny frame...just keep telling yourself this, and do it by the pound. Make your goal to gain one pound by Thursday (or whatever day). When you do, reward yourself with a new magazine or book or a visit to your hub..anything. Then, make another goal for the next pound..and dont look back...when you DO look back, just remember how horrible you looked..and how much better you WILL look!!!!!! Don't think about the overall goal..just think about baby steps!!! Think about the gorgeous super expensive dress you'll buy yourself when you DO reach your target weight...and how gorgeous you'll look in it (Kids sizes dont have nice dresses..)!!!!!

You say youre 50-50 on recovering...how is that ratio compared to a month ago? Is this hospitalization taught you anything new? Made you think differently at all? I hope it has!!! i hope you realize that your life is so worth living, a vacation with your hub is so worth taking, and that you cant enjoy that if youre 85lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for your kind words! i hope you arent putting yourself down...anyting you say to me also applies to you!!! :p

The hospital is no fun, but just think about all the things in life youre missing out if you prolong this, and if you continue with your ED..What does it REALLY give you? Not happiness...and you know im right! No lying here! Ive done this all too !! :P

I hope everything goes well for you, and that that ratio keeps leaning on the "recovery" side. Tell me how it goes.. xoxoxo
gg
[QUOTE=Quencher]Pam:
Of course I understand, silly! I know very well that you have a life outside of these Boards. Everyone does.

You did all those things for your kids—really????? No kidding? Wow, that’s amazing. They don’t even do that on TV, LOL! What a great mother you are. I’m sure both of your kids love you very much.

Re the meds, well, I'm sure at some point my parents fed me medicine, I can't remember it, though. They haven't done so in a long, long time obviously. The last I checked, whenever I had a fever, my dad would ask "So when are you gonna die?" And whenever I had a cough, "You brought this upon yourself, didn't you? You sick bast*rd??" Hence, I don't even bother telling them anymore.

At one point, I stopped the exercising ‘cause I didn’t “care” anymore, and I gained 6 pounds in 7 days. Because of this, I recommenced. I can’t seem to cut down on the exercising now. When I don’t binge, I take the opportunity to exercise in event OF a binge. And when I DO binge, my mindset is, “every calorie counts,” and I will exercise until I collapse to burn calories—whether it’s three, six, nine, or nine HUNDRED calories at a time. Plus, it’s like a punishment in a way. “THIS is what you get for bingeing, you fool!” It’s a cycle. I diet, binge, diet, binge, diet, and binge. And these exercise sessions are QUITE tiring, I might add.

Okay, now you’re confusing ME, LOL! In post #122 you said, “…you say you're not fat…” So, that would mean you thought I said I wasn’t fat.
Then in post #123, you said, “You say things about yourself that just aren't true...like, that you're fat!” This, on the other hand, suggests that you thought I said I WAS fat. You just contradicted yourself. :D But anyway, to clear things up, I never said I wasn’t fat. I said I WAS fat, but not overweight.

I have been trying to diet for months and keep failing.” Well, the point system will help motivate you, and hopefully everyone else too!! It’ll be one of the many benefits. And a little competition can’t hurt. Think of it like this, “would you want a bunch of 16 year olds beating you in a game?? What a shame THAT would be!” So therefore, you would keep trying and trying—not JUST to diet, but to win also. Then again, a successful diet would mean you've won. That’s how I see it anyway. I just hope that you're not just saying you'll try it and then just forget about it afterwards.

I DARE you to find ONE thing about myself that isn't true, in these threads!!”
Easy, the fact that you’re hopeless. That took exactly three seconds. Any other challenges?

EDIT:
Oh, yeah, I'd like to add something RE "I don't know if it will get easier with time - it never did before...but then, while dieting, I always disallowed ice cream and desserts and chips, etc., etc., while on the diet. The cravings for "bad" foods never stopped, which is, obviously, the reason the weight piled back on."

I know you addressed it to Aury, but I'd like to comment on it also. Hope you don't mind?

You don't diet by disallowing yourself certain foods. You don't diet by separating good foods from bad foods. "Dieting" in this manner is called depriving yourself of the foods you love. And deprivation leads to overeating, and ultimately giving into cravings. Because the more you deprive yourself of something, the more you'd want it. So it's OKAY to have "bad foods" while dieting, as long as it's in moderation. It's...um... well... it's no wonder you were never able to keep the weight off!!!! When the diet fails, you don't blame the "diet," but you blame yourself instead!!!! Hating yourself and hating your body will not make you slimmer. If it did, well, everyone would be slimmer!!! You see, it's not so much WHAT you eat that causes weight gain, but rather when and how much. And although eating right IS a factor... it's not the main one. The main one is how your body PHYSICALLY feels after eating. The fact that you're not stuffed after eating, and the fact that you were hungry to begin with BEFORE you ate, lol. Which means, YOU CAN HAVE YOUR ICECREAM! But you can only have your ice cream if, and only if, you are hungry... and your BODY is craving for it... and not your mind. You only "MUST" need your ice cream when you are hungry, and at no other time. So no more, "I MUST have my icecream," you hear? ;) Don't set a time in the day when you should have this or that. Wait till you're physically hungry before you have it, and STOP when you're physically satisfied-- NOT when you're emotionally. Does that make any sense?
Look at me talking as if I've just met you, LOL! : But sometimes I have to forget who I'm talking to in order to avoid beating around the bush because I know I tend to "go easy" on people who I have stronger and longer relationships with... due to fear of upsetting that persona and hence losing that relationship, and well, there's nothing I can tell you about apprehension that you don't already know, so I'll shut up now.



Hiya Quench!!

OK, sigh......looks like we have to argue again. :) Your 5th paragraph, I think you have this a bit wrong, sweetie - YOU are the one that is contradicting yourself. You have said you are not fat...but you most CERTAINLY have referred to yourself as fat previously. In fact, when I first "met" you, on my very first thread, I remember you saying you were were fat! Maybe that's just how you FEEL sometimes, I don't know. This is why I was confused as to whether you were/are actually fat or not. Okeydokey? :D And I completely give up re overweight isn't fat, fat isn't overweight, etc. :confused: I think I have too much on my mind these days!!

Sweetie, I HAVE been trying and trying for a LONG time to diet, and ther is absolutely nothing that has motivated me - not my weight, not my ugly fat, not what the scale says, not my embarrassment over my weight, not my embarrassment to even be seen in public....if none of this has done it, well, I don't know what will. The truth is, at least for now, the point system will do nothing more than constantly remind me of what a failure I am. I'm sorry. This is why I say, and truly believe, that I am "hopeless" - I have seen no evidence to the contrary, in YEARS now. So, you need to find something else! :D

Of course I don't mind, silly! You are free to comment on anything, anywhere! I will say that what you have said, re dieting and deprivation, is most definitely a newer way of looking at things. You must remember my age!! decades ago diets DID mean deprivation - you must stay away from all fattening things. Back then, no one thought of the future as far as dieting - just the here and now. No one ever said how to KEEP the weight off. No one talked about changing eating habits PERMANENTLY. Now, don't misunderstand - this is not an excuse. I am simply stating that for most of my life, up until the past...decade?? or so, this is the way it was, and what I got used to. You know what you said about exercising, that it's a way to punish yourself for bingeing?? Welp! That's exactly the way feel about a diet. I have gained so much weight that I DESERVE to suffer - and what better way than to not eat ANY of the foods I like?? OK, that is part of it, but not all - the other problem is that I just can't do portion control. If I can't have what I what, then I won't eat it at ALL!! It's not only maybe a bit of stubbornness LOL but also, well, I just CAN"T!!!!!!!!! I don't do MODERATION!!! Better to not have it at all! See??? Hopeless!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will have this engraved on my tombstone - "Here lies Charlyssa. She was hopeless. And she's lying here as proof of that."!!!! Anyway, I can't fault a single thing you have said..IN THEORY...because I have heard this many times before in recent years. I have tried, OOHHHH how I have tried. Am I starving to death when I have my ice cream? NO! I WANT ice cream - I NEED my ice cream. I LOVE my ice cream!!!! The problem is...it's an addiction. If I COULD stop, I would. Yes, I well understand what I SHOULD do, but so far, I haven't been able to. Have you been able to stop bingeing? Have you tried this yourself? If it were so easy to do, would you even be here? Would I?? Would Dilemma have been here? I will again say that everything you have said is true, and the way it SHOULD be. It's the getting there.......and I'm just not there, quite apparently. So this is why I hate myself, because IT is stronger than ME.

You never have to fear what you tell me, nor feel our friendship is at risk. I appreciate that you, and any/everyone, takes the time to try to help me. It's just that...that...I'm...I'm.................HOPELESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Besides, I certainly tell you off plenty!! LOL We all do that, I think, because we care about each other, and we all know each other's struggles, even tho they may be different...in many ways they are the same. Or so I think...but I could be wrong..... :D

HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Charly :wave:





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