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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board


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Hi.
I am a complete newbie. I am full of fear, questions and confusions. I dont know if I have and eating disorder. Reading, it sounds like I do, I sometimes think I do......but I am so normal. I could use a little direction and help. So I guess this is for me, Step 1.
I never had an issue with food until last year (except for the teenage *angst thing*, but nothing serious). Ever, I always thought I had a great body, good shape, etc. I was 5'8 about 145 lbs. Normal, not skinny, but normal.
Then for some strange reason a few comments (non-hurtful ones) seemed to have triggered something off in my brain. And I went on the Atkins diet. I have no idea why. I dropped down to 121 lbs. Everyone was shocked at my tininess, etc.
Slowly since I had no idea how to maintain at that weight, I gained and sat at 135 lbs. Currently I have not weighed myself in a while, but I was 132, I KNOW I have lost inches (from weight training) and I am firmer, solid and with fairly good definition. But its not good enough......I gross me out. I do not look like I have a problem, I hope I do not.

Now for the last 3 months specifically-that this thought of I have a problem has been in my mind ( 9 previous to it), I have been doing the following behavior. Please bear in mind this is really hard to admit or type, because it makes it real. And I feel so disgusting.
~I make it my business to know the size, weight, grams , calorie content in everything I eat. I try to not go over 1500 cals.
~I work out cardio for an hour a day, and weight lift for an hour a day. Almost every day, but I do take a rest day, and feel guilty as all he.ll, and end up over eating-purging and hating myself
~I have seen some weight loss not alot, but it is getting there, but it is NOT enough.
~I have taken to eating food, well chewing food (alone NEVER in fromt of anyone would I do this) a desert, etc, then spitting it out. And I am proud of myself for that 'second of self control'
~I Exercise like a Demon. I have seen fat loss (inches) on good days
~Constantly thinkning about food, planning my next meal 9all under the pretence of it being healthy...meal timings , you know every 3 hours, etc
~Always bringing the office snacks, like brownies, Danishes, cookies, cakes (never anything healthy) and I never have one for myself. I always say I ate it on the way back. So people thing I eat then
~ 6 times in the last week, I find my self getting back into vomitting after my meals. Not a regular meal~mentally I can handle that, but when I have BAD foods, they have got to go (I used to vomit after my meals as a teenager, but miracuously stopped)
~I restrict, I binge (not an actual binge never over say 600 cals, or 2500 cals during the day in total) and when I am doing it it is like I have an out of body experience. I can NOT stop, I try and talk myself out of it whilst walking to the frige, or where, but it doesnot matter, even when I am eating my food, I tell myself to STOP, but I dont.
~I think I had a *mini-binge* or binge behaviour. I had 5 LARGE bowls of cereal with tonnes of brown sugar on top, then about 3 cookies, this is after dinner (I was not hungry, CRAVING god knows what, something to fill the empty void ~ WHAT VOID???), this when I new there would be no one there, so I could be alone. During the whole time I hated myelf, felt disgusting ~ told myself to stop....and did not
~I went straight into the washroom to vomit. It felt good to get RID of it, but then someone else came in and I had to STOP, That scared me, so I left for a bit, went back in and still could not continue my *purge*. So I took laxatives.
~Before someone walked in on me (a previous occasion) and thought I was for real sick and offered me gravol, which I had to take and finish again....I was panicking (and still am from last nite)
~ I decided this morning to eAT wheat I want, so I can put myslf on a strict clean diet for the next 2 weeks, and all day I have gone over board. I now I should not, but I can not stop, and I hate me when I do it, I panick, I freak out.
~I take diuretics everyday, and planned (and did ) today to double the dose to rid the last 2 days behaviour.
Breakfast to day :1 pancake (tons of butter and syrup ~yummay real maple syrup), scrambled eggs, a sausage, croissant and grapefruit. I had a couple bites of everything and then stopped and said she had to get to work and was *Full*. Truly and should of been satisfied. But something told me to go eat more, fill it up, try it, I will feel better, toimmorrow I will not be having these treats again....so I continued eating even tho I am NOT hungry or even want it.
1 hour later I go to get my coffee, and a bagel. eats half ~ notices me, and I throw the rest away. Same with another croissant, some one sees me eating it, and I throw it away.
~A friend brought me dessert, so I eat and spit, eat and spit, to get the flavour texture and not have to go and vomit.
~I skipped lunch, because I was full from all the junk. Then a coworker brings me A brownie, I eat it, it is not very good.....But I want something, so I get a hot chocolate and a brownie, and another eat them. Go bac for another. sTOP, and throw it away. 1 hour later I eat bran cereal. and more bran, and take a laxative tea......
Somedays, Ieat so well and cleanly, but that is ALLL that is on my mind EVER. Food, food type, recipes, calories, fat grams, things to make for others....FOOD I am not allowed to eat, I can eat, I must get to this ideal....What is the ideal?
So in a nutshell, am I loosing my mind...is this normal, stupid question I know its not.
I dont know what to do. I know I am going back to my old routine tommorrow, restrict to 1500 cas, cardio, weights, and obsess, diuretic in the morning, and look like the perfect happy person, but this is eating alive, I want to get a grip on it before it worse. Or maybe this is all in my head.

Advice and opions please, and I am so sorry for this being so long winded.





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