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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board


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Newbie needs help
Aug 15, 2004
Hi everyone,
I'm totally new to this board, but I can totally relate to the things I am reading. I feel so lost, scared, confused, exhausted. Here is my story...thanks in advance to all of you who take the time to read this. When I graduated college 3 years ago I was overweight. I am only 5'0" and weighed 135 pounds. I decided to start a new healthy lifestyle changing my eating habits and starting to exercise. I slowly lost the weight and about a year later I was down at 100 pounds. I wasn't happy with this. I thought I should have more defined muscles and less bodyfat, plus what I had to do to maintain that weight was insane...rarely eating over 1200 calories and exercising 2 times per day or more. Over the next year I guess I slacked off on my routine because I have gained 5 pounds. I am totally disgusted with myself. All I see is my fat when I look at myself. I workout all the time and am constantly counting calories. I have anxiety about what I eat. I don't binge and purge, but if I have a food I consider to be bad for me I feel quilty for days and often try to do extra exercise to make up for it. I am driving myself, my family, and my fiance insane. I don't have a conversation without talking about food or my weight. I don't know how my food obsession happened and I don't know how my image of my body got so distorted. I am so unhappy with myself and just keep saying it will be better when I lose the 5 pounds. I have no idea where to turn to for help. It puts such a strain on my relationship with my fiance. He is so wonderful and trys to help...he found this site for me, but he doesn't understand and thinks I can control my feelings. I just want to be normal again. I want to eat healthy and exercise, but not over do it. I want to have a treat or a drink once in a while and not feel so guilty like I have ruined all my hardwork. I feel like I am going crazy inside. The routine I keep is exhausting. I have stopped enjoying my workouts and I often avoid situations (parties and hanging out with friends) because I am scared of the food, alcohol, or that I will miss my exercise class. I am so scared of gaining my weight back and getting fat again. I exercise 2-3 times per day and feel totally guilty when I take a day off. I also feel quilty when I go over my 1200 calorie range. The thought consumes me and now that I've seen the scale go up and some fat gain I am petrified. I feel like food and exercise control my life, but if I don't obey them I will gain weight. Can anyone give me some advice on ways to cope or overcome this? Has anyone had this problem and resolved it? I would appreciate any advice/comments you have. Thanks, dmw412
dmw,
Welcome to the boards. The best way to deal with your food disorder/obsession is to seek help. I am hoping that by you coming to these boards you see that things in your life concerning food and weight are not quite right.

Eating Disorders are much deeper than just food/exercise. I would suggest finding a therapist/counselor to talk with. I know this can seem scary and you are probably thinking "it is not that big of a deal", but from what you posted above it is. When you design your life around food and exercise and have a distorted image of yourself, then things are at a level where you could use a little help.

It only gets harder to deal with as the years go by. You are not alone in this and it is not something you will get over when you lose the 5 lbs you feel you need to.

Please think about getting some help. Read some of the other posts. Don't stay in this world one day longer than you have to. It is not fun!

~Dance





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