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[QUOTE=Rhadianze][COLOR=Indigo][FONT=georgia]Charlyssa, to sum me up, here is a section from a thread that I started:

[I]"I probably couldnt properly explain, no matter how hard I tried, the intensity of the hold food has over me. It's been my best friend and my worst enemy for years. And that to me, is pathetic. It's just food... its there to fuel us and keep us alive... not for an object of obsession.
As I said in my previous post... I have had problems since I was 15 with eating but after all the restriction and exercising for hours on end , I just couldnt keep up with it anymore and always ended up bingeing. Well, that's easy... I discovered purging... problem solved, right? Wrong. I HATED throwing up... it made my nose bleed, my skin blotchy and swollen, my teeth always ached the next day, my eyes looked and felt as if they would pop out of my head and my heart felt as though it was going to just take off it was beating so fast. (Oh, and the headaches I would get afterward would have me bedridden soon after.) So eventually, I quit that, too. (Well, except for the moments nowdays when I worry that my stomach or throat will tear open from the sheer volume of food I've consumed.)

Needless to say, though, one thing that has always remained thru these years is my unhealthy relationship with food. I should probably note that I also suffer from depression and anxiety and frequently get panic/anxiety attacks and am also Hypoglycemic (my doctor believes may well have been brought on from my sugar and carb loading and then restricting). These thigns seem to make the situation even worse as the depression makes me feel hopeless to begin with , which makes me want to eat and the panic and anxiety attacks are usually followed by food for comfort. Becaues of the Hypoglycemia, eating every few hours is a MUST, so I can 't just eat only when I feel hungry or else my blood sugar will drop and I will freak out. I swear I have tried EVERYTHING. I feel I don't have any hope left these days...My binges used to last a couple days at a time or so... maybe a week at most. Now it is a way of life. And many days I dont get any exercise anymore.

I have been in therapy for years, cognitive behavioral therapy didnt work, Anti-depressants and meal plans have not worked. Food journals are worthless because I usually just eat and eat and then can't remember all of it or, even worse, sometimes when I find myself binging its like I am on auto-pilot and don't even really notice I am eating until I am on my second jar of peanut butter or something (literally). And the type of foods really don't matter either... there have been times that I polished off tubs of protein powder when I had a lack of other things to eat and was feeling too sick to go to the store. I have the training and certifications to instruct fitness classes and train one-on-one with clients, so I posess the knowledge required to be healthy and stable with eating and exercise and I can't hold to it myself...
So thats just a bit about me. I feel worthless and hopeless and I know I am hurting my husband with my self-destructive habits and also run the risk of setting my 3 year old son up for eating problems later in life. Many days go by where, among other contradictive and confusing actions, I am preaching the importance of good food and habits, etc and then stopping at the store with him in the car for terrible binge foods or taking him to McDonalds and pigging out for both lunch and dinner some days. I just want this to go away... I don't want to end up in my thirties or fourties, extremely overweight. I am deathly afraid of going back, and possibly surpassing, the heaviest point I was ever at... I am not there now but I don't know what to do with myself... I am on my way back and it feels as though there is nothing for me to resort to to keep it at bay. [/I]

So yes, I am ... I battle it every day and am always in search of people who understand the struggles! [/FONT] [/COLOR][/QUOTE]

Hi R.

I am soooo sorry for all that you are suffering...and I can so very well relate to everything you've said. There are many similarities between us - the desperation we feel, the psychological pain, guilt, hopelessness (and I almost think that that's the worst of it) fear, and the hold that food has over us. I feel the same so I understand completely. Unlike you, however, I never purged...I just allowed the weight to keep piling on, to the point where I am now very obese. I'm so ashamed, angry and embarrassed!! Like you, I've tried therapy and got fact, I HATED it, never felt comfortable in the dozen visits, and it just added more stress to my already stressed life. I smoked more and ate more after the visits! The therapist was determined to stay rutted in my childhood, which was pointless. While I believe that my adult eating problems/patterns/thoughts were rooted in childhood (my mother used food/desserts as both reward and punishment) I was aware of it, so I didn't need the enlightening that therapy typically provides. I should point out, tho, that I don't BLAME - my mother couldn't and didn't know the long-term effects. At any rate, rehashing it all was pointless, because my mom's been gone since I was 24 (I'm 53) and obviously it's not as tho I can have a discussion with her about any any of it. In fact, the truth is, I'm glad she's not alive to see me now, for if she thought she was in ANY small way responsible, she'd be horrified. Also, I take full responsibility for what goes in my's not her fault. Conversely, I can't help but think that there's SOMETHING to what I go thru today, and what I experienced as a a child....

When I told my t. that I was terminationg therapy, she felt, of course, that it was a mistake...that I just hadn't "opened up" enough, and so we hadn't gotten to the bottom of it yet. I disagreed. During the sessions I opened up a vein and bled....VOMITED...all my thoughts and feelings, and cried the majority of the time. I left feeling like ----, sick to my stomach, and head pounding. Oh, yeah...I sooooooo needed to feel worse. Nothing she said, nor that we tried, helped, so...what was the point??? So, as I was getting up to leave that last time, she said I should think about hypnotherapy, that maybe it would help. I'd not heard of it, but have since googled/researched it a bit. I was afraid to have my mind tinkered with, and still am. But after realizing that it was perhaps my only hope...because I haven't been able to stop my eating habits, and because at my age, my weight is dangerous...and because I'd gained more since therapy.....and because I had now had some physical problems I had to have checked (because I'd gained, I was 6 months overdue to see my Dr. because I didn't want her to know) I made an appt to see her. While there, I asked her for a referral to see a hypnotherapist. It's a complicated and tedious process because my HMO doesn't have one in the network, so I've had to put it off a bit - my hub and I are in the process of closing on a house and moving (talk about stress) - but I am hoping this will be the solution. I'm thinking that whatever the reason is I can't seem to stop these destructive eating habits, is somewhere in my subconscious. I can I consciously KNOW what I'm doing is wrong, hurting my health, and desperately wanting to stop, yet for some reason I can't? Well, at any rate, it's my last hope before I throw up my hands in despair and check myself into a fat farm, that we really can't afford.

Because you sound like me in so many ways, I thought I'd tell you about hypnotherapy. Obviously I don't yet know if it'll help me, or you...but it's perhaps something to think about...because frankly, I don't know what's left.

I'm always here anytime you need to talk. I do a lot of that...the caring and support is wonderful. It helps to know that there are others who share our pain, and who can understand...sometimes even better than we, ourselves, can!!

Take care!

Char :wave:

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